One day recently my husband and I were talking. I was
telling him about a situation at work where I was not sure I handled it
appropriately. So he looked at me and said, “Honey, I fell in love
(thirteen years ago) with a strong, opinionated, outspoken woman. But
after your mental health hit the fan, there was no more of that person
anymore”. So his answer made me think, even with my high heels on, am I
still afraid to cross the line?
I second guess myself a lot. This happens at home and at
work. So then the question becomes, was I always like this because it is
who I am? Or is it because of the mental illness?
At the young age of seven, my father was diagnosed with cancer and
was given six months to live. So, I matured and grew up quickly always on
edge with my father’s health status. His cancer went in and out of
remission and he fought for his life for fifteen long years.
Being the youngest of four kids, at a very young age, I learned
how to stand up for myself. I was always a go-getter and excelled in many
things. For example, I was a second degree black belt in taekwondo
martial arts by the time I was ten years old. I swam year around most of
my youth and I played volleyball in high school all while maintaining honors
society throughout my school years.
I worked hard in my family’s business, never receiving any
monetary hand-outs. Rather, I swept the floors and cleaned the counters
at our family business to earn a little spending money. I worked summer
jobs in high school at banks, took internships in college and as soon as I
graduated, I was not only accepted into graduate school but I also had a full-time
job lined up for myself.
In my second semester senior year of college, I worked hard to
achieve a 4.0 grade point average (GPA). I graduated from undergrad with
a 3.4 GPA and wore a high honors hood at graduation. Three years later, I
graduated top in my class from graduate school with a 4.0 GPA while excelling
at three jobs (at the same time) and living in San Francisco, California.
Therefore, I grew up a strong-willed independent young lady.
I worked hard, I played hard and I was very successful in all that I did.
And in reflecting on this, it made me a well-rounded person.
This takes my story to seven years ago, when my mental health took
a turn for the worst. My diagnosis was
changed from Major Depression to Bipolar Disorder and I was extremely
ill. As I have spoken about in previous blogs, I was not functioning and
I could not take care of myself without help. It was as if my life
stopped, my brain went numb, and I hit re-set on my mental status.
It has taken me these past seven years to re-build myself
(including my self-esteem and confidence) back up again. And, as they
say, “the struggle is real”. Having Bipolar Disorder makes me second
guess my decisions, it has an impact on my general instincts as a person and it
takes a toll on the confidence I have in my abilities.
With every decision I make, there is a possibility for failure,
defeat or making the choice for the wrong reasons. I am afraid and scared
now that I will do something wrong. I do not think for myself like I used
to, I do not trust my instincts and I do not trust myself to make the right
choices. My illness plants seeds of stress, worry and anxiety in my mind
that leaves me feeling useless and unworthy.
I make a choice and then I second guess myself. I re-think
decisions once the choice has already been made. I am pessimistic
where I used to think that the glass was always half full.
However, I find it extremely important to put on my high heels
every day! They signify my confidence even when I feel it is
lacking. They show my inner spirit even when the flame isn't burning so
brightly. And they make me feel beautiful even on the darkest of
days.
So I keep trying every day, I put on my heels and I pick my head
off my pillow. And I think one day I will be the confident woman again
that my husband fell in love with. Until then, I hope he stays patient
with me and keeps being positive. He picks me up when I am feeling down
and he reminds me that if I keep trying, my confidence will keep building and I
will be the Stacy that I once was yet again (and maybe even a better version of
her)!
