When The Impossible Keeps Going

 

A year ago, we changed my bipolar medications.  A year ago, the medication changes made my mental health worse.  A year ago, darkness fell upon me.  A year ago, I checked myself into a psychiatric hospital.  

Reflecting back on the past is hard sometimes because it can bring up trauma.  It can remind me of pain and struggling.  And it can bring back emotions that I keep deep down inside.  

However, reflecting on the past can also encourage me to remember the positives as well.  It reminds me of never-ending hope and unconditional self-love.  And, looking back is a good way for me to remember how strong I really am through every aspect of my life.  

There is a very powerful mental health grammatical metaphor that goes like this, "An author uses a semicolon when they could have ended a sentence with a period, but chose to keep writing.  In life, it means that your story is not over yet".  

Maybe my story is a reminder that I am what happens when the impossible keeps going.  When life told me to stop, I decided to add a "semicolon" to my story instead of a "period" to my life.  And because of that pause, I was able to seek professional help when I needed it the most.  

It is hard sometimes.  It is hard to wear shoes, especially ones that have heels.  This is because the shoes symbolize confidence, self-love and pride.  And they remind me to be encouraged when my brain tells me I am not worthy.  And sometimes, it is hard to see the positive when the negative lingers around me. 

But, I know that my story could have been impossible.  Because it might have turned out much different than the path I chose to take.  Yet when I look into the mirror, I see a woman who kept going through the darkness.  And I am proud to be a witness to what the impossible looks like when she keeps moving forward.  

Love Note: With all my heart, I genuinely request that due to the content written, please seek the guidance of professional help should you feel you need it.

Don't Follow In My Footsteps

 

I read something recently that stated, "I hope my child will follow in my footsteps".  This quote is very honorable in many ways.  Yet, I tend to feel a bit differently about my daughter.  This is because I want her to create her own path with her own footsteps.  I will hold her hand along the way, but I do not want her to follow me.

So to my daughter I say to you, "Don't follow in my footsteps, my child.  Create your own path".  I will always support you, and I will always love you.  With every step you take, I will guide you with all my heart, knowledge and wisdom.  And while I walk beside you, I know you will find your own way in this world. 

I will hold your hand, my little one.  I will create space for you to be yourself.  I will do my best to never put out the fire in your soul.  And I will help you grow through your own journey in life.  When problems arise, I will be by your side to help you through them.  I will never leave you because I will always be with you.  And I know that you will continue to blossom.  I cannot wait to watch you show the world the way in which you glow!  

I want you to know that I look forward to watching you slide your feet into your own high heeled shoes.  And I am excited to continue to go through life with you by my side.  My precious daughter, be courageous, and be a brave warrior as you walk your own path.  Go forward steadfastly showing the world everything wonderful that you have to offer.  

-Words by Rebecca

Brave girl, 

Walk your own path.

You don't have to fill anyone else's shoes.  

You were never meant to become a copy of someone else. 

You were created with your own dreams,

your own gifts, 

your own beautiful way of seeing the world. 

Be kind.

Be curious. 

Be true to your heart. 

And if the road you choose looks different

from everyone around you,

walk it anyway. 

Because the world does't need another 

version of someone else.

It needs you.

Love Note: With all my heart, I genuinely request that due to the content written, please seek the guidance of professional help should you feel you need it.

Maybe If I Don't Do It...

 

It is both interesting and unique to have a brain that tells you what not to do rather than encouraging you to do something instead.  For example:

"Maybe if I don't go outside of my house..."

"Maybe if I don't go on a trip..."

"Maybe if I don't go out with a friend..."

Maybe, just maybe, if I don't do anything other than my normal day-to-day routine, I will stay comfortable within the confines of my own environment.  Because, this is where I feel peaceful and safe.  Therefore, I have less anxiety and minimal opportunity for mental and emotional challenges.  

Dinner with a friend sounds like an enjoyable experience.  So, I make plans.  And then I try to find every excuse possible to cancel my plans.  However, this is not because I do not want to see my friend.  But rather, I am more calm, confident and secure at my house.  And the feeling of psychological safety far outweighs any uplifting feelings of the plans I intended to have.  

It is hard to explain the relief in canceled plans without understanding my anxiety, depression and mania.  Something as simple as clothes shopping at a mall can spiral into an overwhelmed, over-stimulated situation.  And this can abruptly offer an unfortunate opportunity for me to have a manic episode.  Therefore, my brain is completely comfortable with a "maybe if I don't do it..." mentality.  This is the part of my life that says "staying home is safer than leaving it".  

However, I work on this all the time, because I know how important it is to make and keep plans.  Also, I know that I can find peace in discomfort because there can be psychological growth in the unknown.  Sometimes, it is healthy for me to process the fear and then pursue the activity.  

I also take great pride in my relationships.  And therefore, I feel a sense of security when I am around certain people that I know and love.  And when that respect is reciprocated, there is a gentle peace and grace that lies in the opportunity to spend time with them.   

Finally, I make sure that I have a safety plan in place incase anything makes me uncomfortable.  For instance, my husband is always aware of my current location.  My best friend's phone number is saved in my "favorites".  And, if I need a break, my car is a safe place to sit and regroup.

I find encouragement in making plans but get discouraged when my brain tells me to cancel them.  However, when I keep my scheduled arrangements, I make sure to have a safety plan in place.  This offers me physical support when I might be in psychological distress.  And, as always, putting on my high heels gives me a confidence boost to put one foot in front of the other and move beyond my comfort zone.

Love Note: With all my heart, I genuinely request that due to the content written, please seek the guidance of professional help should you feel you need it.