It Still Hurts, Part 1

I get teased for taking multiple trips to the grocery store each week.  I make up a lot of excuses as to why.  For example, needing fresh bread, forgetting to get milk or picking up fresh vegetables.  But the hidden truth is that I do all of this because my neck and arm still hurt.  


In March of 2024, I had my second major surgery at Johns Hopkins to sever one of the muscles causing excruciating pain down my left arm.  Thoracic Outlet Syndrome (TOS) is not for the faint of heart.  And even after 2 years of rehabilitation and recovery, I still feel the effects.


I will never forget sitting in my doctors office 4 months post-operation explaining to my doctor that my left arm was still causing me shooting and throbbing pain.  He explained that I will only ever become 80% healed.  The other 20% is nerve damage that I’ll suffer for the rest of my life.


So yes, I take multiple trips a week to the grocery store.  But mainly because pushing a heavy shopping cart and lifting grocery bags is still painful.  Also, I do not like long car rides because the position of sitting in the seat causes shooting pain down my arm.  And I sit on my couch in a straight forward upright position to watch television.  I do this because it is the only way I can tolerate the pain that twisting my neck sideways or upward causes.  

Am I grateful for the 80%?  With all my heart, yes.  But do I still suffer daily from the 20%?  Absolutely.


I try not to talk about the pain that TOS causes me anymore.  Instead, I tolerate it and I adjust my life accordingly to live and manage it.  When it hurts, I stretch my arm and shoulder like my physical therapist showed me.  I change pillows regularly to sleep with less pain.  And, I started taking private lessons for activities that help strengthen my arms to support my neck and shoulder.


Still, I remain encouraged and grateful for the good days and pain-free moments.  And, I add a little spice to my life by wearing my high heels to go buy bread!  Because, when it’s all said and done, I do my best to be present while still silently struggling with TOS 2 years later.

Love Note: With all my heart, I genuinely request that due to the content written, please seek the guidance of professional help should you feel you need it.

The Courage To "Roar"

 

One of my friends is passionate about saving the lives of innocent animals.  She has been working diligently on a project to help end animal poaching.  It is an honor for me to be a witness to her hard work and dedication.  

To me, this project is a huge undertaking.  At strictly face value, when I look at her, I see a beautiful petite young lady.  However, on the inside, she is strong, fierce and brave.  Through her hard work and dedication, I can see that helping animals transforms her into a leader.  

In one of our recent conversations, my friend said, "You'll never know if you have the courage to be a lion if you don't try to roar".  

She explained to me that being courageous is important for her.  Her mindset about who she is as a person is everything when it comes to facing and working through challenges.  For instance, if a cat only ever tries to "meow" then it will always be perceived as a soft, small and cuddly animal.  On the contrary, a cat who has the courage to "roar" is a reflection of a strong, fierce and brave lion.  Therefore, their outer-most self is now a seamless reflection of the courage they possess.  

At the end of our conversation, my friend said that, through her eyes, I am a lion.  She stated that high heeled shoes have given me the courage to "roar".  While some people may see them as a superficial means in which to be beautiful, I wear them to represent confidence and empowerment.  

As my friend and I reflect on ourselves, I encourage others to do the same.  Ask yourself, "Do I have the courage to "roar"?  What gives me motivation, boosts my confidence and transforms me into a lion?"  Some people I know are runners and as soon as they slide their feet into their sneakers, they are ready to face challenges with strength and purpose.  Other people love to travel the world because this gives them excitement and hope.  And yet for others, sitting behind the wheel of their dream sports car makes them feel serene and stress-free.  

This cat and lion metaphor was a powerful way for me to reflect on my courageous mentality.  For so many years, I refused to look at myself in the mirror, let alone try to speak positive truth into my daily life.  But I appreciate my friend's perspective and want to try and lean into my inner lion a little bit more.  And I hope today, that you will take a moment to remember that you too possess the courage to "roar".  

Love Note: With all my heart, I genuinely request that due to the content written, please seek the guidance of professional help should you feel you need it.

Why High Heels?

 

Arguably, I feel as if there should not be a limit on the amount of shoes I buy!  Much to my husbands dismay, I also think there should be a line item in our budget for “special shoes”!  Shall we call it an obsession?  No!  But it is definitely a fun hobby where my feet, outfits and mental well-being benefit.  Since companies make shoes in various styles, colors, shapes and sizes, I am never fearful of an inevitable end to my shoe collection.  


To me, what I wear on my feet does not represent just fun and beauty, it also hold a much deeper meaning.  This is because shoes are a symbol to remind me to put one foot in front of the other, even when life wants me to stand still and not move at all.  Being a bipolar disorder survivor, I face highs and lows associated with this mental illness.  And each time I slide my feet into my high heels, I am encouraged to take one step at a time to get through each moment of the day.  

But, you may ask yourself, "Why shoes"?  And my response is as follows:

The unhealthy lows of bipolar disorder tell my brain that it is best to stay in bed.  However, when I can overcome the depression and slide my feet out of bed and onto the floor, I immediately wear slippers.  I cover my feet to surround them with encouragement to begin my day.  On days that I am well enough, my slippers turn into a shoe that will take me outside.  And those shoes are usually high heels encouraging me to be confident as I step foot outside the confines of my comfort zone and into the world of many unknowns.  

Some days are easier than others to get out of bed.  Often times, my feet only make their way into slippers.  But on several occasions, I am able to slide my feet into high heels and make my way outside of my house.  If I simply get of bed and do stay-at-home self care, or I venture outside the comfort of my home, I remain encouraged.  I offer myself grace on the rough days and shoes add a confidence boost to the healthy days.  

For me, shoes are a reminder that with one foot in front of the other, I can always move forward no matter what life throws in my direction.  Whether it is with one simple pair of shoes or a different shoe for every occasion, I know that an illness cannot hold me back.  So with each step I take, I remain filled with hope.  And I place one foot in front of the other as I move through life one moment at a time in my high heels. 

 

Love Note: With all my heart, I genuinely request that due to the content written, please seek the guidance of professional help should you feel you need it.