Maybe If I Don't Do It...

 

It is both interesting and unique to have a brain that tells you what not to do rather than encouraging you to do something instead.  For example:

"Maybe if I don't go outside of my house..."

"Maybe if I don't go on a trip..."

"Maybe if I don't go out with a friend..."

Maybe, just maybe, if I don't do anything other than my normal day-to-day routine, I will stay comfortable within the confines of my own environment.  Because, this is where I feel peaceful and safe.  Therefore, I have less anxiety and minimal opportunity for mental and emotional challenges.  

Dinner with a friend sounds like an enjoyable experience.  So, I make plans.  And then I try to find every excuse possible to cancel my plans.  However, this is not because I do not want to see my friend.  But rather, I am more calm, confident and secure at my house.  And the feeling of psychological safety far outweighs any uplifting feelings of the plans I intended to have.  

It is hard to explain the relief in canceled plans without understanding my anxiety, depression and mania.  Something as simple as clothes shopping at a mall can spiral into an overwhelmed, over-stimulated situation.  And this can abruptly offer an unfortunate opportunity for me to have a manic episode.  Therefore, my brain is completely comfortable with a "maybe if I don't do it..." mentality.  This is the part of my life that says "staying home is safer than leaving it".  

However, I work on this all the time, because I know how important it is to make and keep plans.  Also, I know that I can find peace in discomfort because there can be psychological growth in the unknown.  Sometimes, it is healthy for me to process the fear and then pursue the activity.  

I also take great pride in my relationships.  And therefore, I feel a sense of security when I am around certain people that I know and love.  And when that respect is reciprocated, there is a gentle peace and grace that lies in the opportunity to spend time with them.   

Finally, I make sure that I have a safety plan in place incase anything makes me uncomfortable.  For instance, my husband is always aware of my current location.  My best friend's phone number is saved in my "favorites".  And, if I need a break, my car is a safe place to sit and regroup.

I find encouragement in making plans but get discouraged when my brain tells me to cancel them.  However, when I keep my scheduled arrangements, I make sure to have a safety plan in place.  This offers me physical support when I might be in psychological distress.  And, as always, putting on my high heels gives me a confidence boost to put one foot in front of the other and move beyond my comfort zone.

Love Note: With all my heart, I genuinely request that due to the content written, please seek the guidance of professional help should you feel you need it.

A New Roof

 

Recently, we had a new roof installed on our house.  The very first conversation I had was with the Project Manager.  I clearly stated, "With all due respect, I want you to know that I plan on micromanaging this entire roof re-build".  He looked at me without hesitation and said, "I would not expect anything less.  The roof covers your house.  It protects you and your family.  I want you to work with me today to make sure it is done correctly."  

Over a long period of time, we started to notice that our current roof began to have multiple problems.  For example, we saw that the plywood had holes which opened directly into the attic.  Also, it became a game that after every snow or rain storm, we would walk around the house and play, "pick up shingles that fell on the ground".  We found that the shingles were disintegrating, and there were roofing particles in the gutters and on the yard.  We finally reached the point where we were very concerned that we would have leaks and water damage.  And, we knew that it would only get worse.  

In my conversation with the Project Manager, he was right in that the roof is the top foundation of the house.  This is because it covers all the framework that supports our house.  And most importantly, without the roof, there is no home for us to live in.  

When working through how we were going to afford the new roof, my husband said, "Food, water and shelter for our family are priorities.  And without a reliable roof, I do not feel confident in sheltering us."  So, we diligently worked through a plan on how to make this project successful.  

In looking back, I can honestly say that I took my roof for granted.  I never thought about how important it was to have a roof on my house to protect my family from all the elements.  And now that it is replaced, it holds so much more meaning to me.  This is because I now feel an elevated level of blessings in my life.  

Therefore, I feel strongly that I am blessed for my family to not only have food and water, but also adequate shelter.  Today, I wear my high heels as a reminder of all these blessings that I have in my life.  I am grateful to have a new roof to support the foundation of my house.  Since the the structure is now reliable, it is a safe home for my family. 

Love Note: With all my heart, I genuinely request that due to the content written, please seek the guidance of professional help should you feel you need it.

Wildflowers, Butterflies And Rainbows

 

As a young child, I often had a difficult time falling asleep.  My brain would wonder in circles trying to figure out how to process the events from the day.  And I would spiral into a never-ending cycle of thoughts.  

The nights that I could not fall asleep, it felt as if my brain was going for a run on a treadmill.  As it cycled around and around, I would not be able to get off this hypothetical treadmill.  And when I would finally sleep, I did not feel well-rested the next day.  

As a witness to my struggles and in an effort to help, my brother made me a CD.  It was filled with 45 minutes of ocean waves, and I would listen to it before going to bed.  Sometimes listening to the waves would guide my mind into a calmer place and help me to fall asleep.  

I also found imagery to be helpful.  As I lay my head on my pillow, I felt it was important to have positive images in my mind.  This helped me to focus my brain on happy, gentle thoughts as I tried to fall asleep.  For example, I would close my eyes and imagine a field of wildflowers.  Flying above the flowers were always butterflies.  And high in the sky was a rainbow.  I would imagine myself in the field walking slowly through the flowers as the butterflies fluttered their wings gently overhead.  And the sunshine illuminated the rainbow.  

In addition to this imagery, over the years I have learned other strategies to help me fall asleep.  I use various cell phone apps that have gentle calming sounds of rain, waves and lullabies to help relax my brain.  I have also tried meditation, yoga and tai chi before tucking myself into bed.    

When I crave sleep but my mind will not let me rest, these various techniques help keep me calm as I lay my head on my pillow.  The inability to fall asleep can be very discouraging.  Without sleep, the next day can be long.  However, every night I try to fill my mind with wildflowers, butterflies and rainbows.  

Love Note: With all my heart, I genuinely request that due to the content written, please seek the guidance of professional help should you feel you need it.