The Spoon Theory

I just want to clarify that I am no expert on theories.  However, I think that some theories can be very helpful.  For instance, the “spoon theory”.  To me, it is a metaphor to help people understand the challenges of Chronic Fatigue Syndrome.  

Last November, I had a follow-up appointment with the Long Covid Clinic.  The doctors evaluated my Long Covid symptoms including chronic fatigue, brain fog and anxiety.  They were glad that I was continuing to follow up with my Primary Care doctor and my psychiatrist to help address these health concerns.  

However, it seemed there was not much anyone could do to guide me through the chronic fatigue.  And, I feel very misunderstood by others when I explain the number of naps I take, and how important sleeping at night is to me.  The constant exhaustion is a helpless feeling because I am always playing a game of catch-up on sleep, yet I still feel tired.  

When I brought this to the attention of the Long Covid Clinic doctor, he explained the spoon theory to me.  He wanted me to better understand my limits as it related to my physical and mental energy throughout the day and week.  His interpretation of this theory as it related to my story was the guidance that I needed to put the chronic fatigue that I deal with into perspective.  

He said that every person wakes up in the morning with 20 spoons, the spoons representing energy.  A person such as myself gets ready for the day by brushing my teeth and washing my face.  By doing this, I have just used 2 of my spoons.  Then, I make lunches, take my daughter to school, do the dishes and fold laundry.  Lets just say that by doing these activities, I have used 8 more of my spoons.  Therefore, by 10am, I have already used half my spoons.  And I still have the rest of the day to get through.  

It is now noon, and my body is ready to take a nap.  An hour nap can replace, lets just say, 5 spoons.  This gives me 15 spoons to support my mental and physical health through the remainder of the day.  Adversely, when I have a full day of activities, I might miss my nap.  Therefore, I am out of spoons earlier in the day so I need to push through to bedtime.  This is why I try to nap during the day and sleep at night to help replenish my spoons.  

The explanation of this theory put Chronic Fatigue Syndrome into perspective for me.  And I use it to explain to others why I need to take naps.  And when I am not resting, you are likely to see me around town with my special shoes on, wide-eyed and ready to go for the day!  

Love Note: With all my heart, I genuinely request that due to the content written, please seek the guidance of professional help should you feel you need it.

I Am Not Complacent

 

I have been through a lot.  The ups and downs of life have taken a toll on me.  But I keep showing up, and I do not give up.  And deep within my soul, at the very core of my being, is a never-ending hope that keeps me moving forward.  This hope is for my health, my future and for better days to come. 

Each health struggle feels like a setback.  There are days when the depression from the bipolar disorder tells my brain that I should not get out of bed.  Anxiety walks my mind through every "what if" scenario.  However throughout the struggle, I remain hopeful.  

Part of my motivation comes from the simple fact that I am not complacent.  I strive for more, better and brighter days to come.  I look forward to being healthy even though my body shows signs of illness.  Yet, I know that I did not make it this far just to exist in this world.  I refuse to simply meet life halfway when I can be "all in".  

By holding on to this deep level of hope, I realize that I do not just want to simply be a part of this world.  But rather, I want to take up space within in it.  I want more than just to survive every day.  I want to thrive through every moment.  I reflect on how far I have come and now I want more.  

And the only way that I see having more is to remain hopeful.  My never-ending deeply rooted hope gives me the perseverance I need to push through the migraines, the anxiety, the chronic fatigue, the bipolar mania and depression.  And in my soul, I know that I can succeed in everything that I do.  

I will not settle for simply surviving.  Instead, I will put on my high heels and I will walk my path with pride.  I put a smile on my face not because I have to.  But rather, I smile because I know that I shine bright with every hopeful moment that I live through.  

Love Note: With all my heart, I genuinely request that due to the content written, please seek the guidance of professional help should you feel you need it.

When The Impossible Keeps Going

 

A year ago, we changed my bipolar medications.  A year ago, the medication changes made my mental health worse.  A year ago, darkness fell upon me.  A year ago, I checked myself into a psychiatric hospital.  

Reflecting back on the past is hard sometimes because it can bring up trauma.  It can remind me of pain and struggling.  And it can bring back emotions that I keep deep down inside.  

However, reflecting on the past can also encourage me to remember the positives as well.  It reminds me of never-ending hope and unconditional self-love.  And, looking back is a good way for me to remember how strong I really am through every aspect of my life.  

There is a very powerful mental health grammatical metaphor that goes like this, "An author uses a semicolon when they could have ended a sentence with a period, but chose to keep writing.  In life, it means that your story is not over yet".  

Maybe my story is a reminder that I am what happens when the impossible keeps going.  When life told me to stop, I decided to add a "semicolon" to my story instead of a "period" to my life.  And because of that pause, I was able to seek professional help when I needed it the most.  

It is hard sometimes.  It is hard to wear shoes, especially ones that have heels.  This is because the shoes symbolize confidence, self-love and pride.  And they remind me to be encouraged when my brain tells me I am not worthy.  And sometimes, it is hard to see the positive when the negative lingers around me. 

But, I know that my story could have been impossible.  Because it might have turned out much different than the path I chose to take.  Yet when I look into the mirror, I see a woman who kept going through the darkness.  And I am proud to be a witness to what the impossible looks like when she keeps moving forward.  

Love Note: With all my heart, I genuinely request that due to the content written, please seek the guidance of professional help should you feel you need it.