Wildflowers, Butterflies And Rainbows

 

As a young child, I often had a difficult time falling asleep.  My brain would wonder in circles trying to figure out how to process the events from the day.  And I would spiral into a never-ending cycle of thoughts.  

The nights that I could not fall asleep, it felt as if my brain was going for a run on a treadmill.  As it cycled around and around, I would not be able to get off this hypothetical treadmill.  And when I would finally sleep, I did not feel well-rested the next day.  

As a witness to my struggles and in an effort to help, my brother made me a CD.  It was filled with 45 minutes of ocean waves, and I would listen to it before going to bed.  Sometimes listening to the waves would guide my mind into a calmer place and help me to fall asleep.  

I also found imagery to be helpful.  As I lay my head on my pillow, I felt it was important to have positive images in my mind.  This helped me to focus my brain on happy, gentle thoughts as I tried to fall asleep.  For example, I would close my eyes and imagine a field of wildflowers.  Flying above the flowers were always butterflies.  And high in the sky was a rainbow.  I would imagine myself in the field walking slowly through the flowers as the butterflies fluttered their wings gently overhead.  And the sunshine illuminated the rainbow.  

In addition to this imagery, over the years I have learned other strategies to help me fall asleep.  I use various cell phone apps that have gentle calming sounds of rain, waves and lullabies to help relax my brain.  I have also tried meditation, yoga and tai chi before tucking myself into bed.    

When I crave sleep but my mind will not let me rest, these various techniques help keep me calm as I lay my head on my pillow.  The inability to fall asleep can be very discouraging.  Without sleep, the next day can be long.  However, every night I try to fill my mind with wildflowers, butterflies and rainbows.  

Love Note: With all my heart, I genuinely request that due to the content written, please seek the guidance of professional help should you feel you need it.

It Still Hurts, Part 2

I was recently asked, "When do you plan on going back to work?"  To which I replied, “My health reminds me that unfortunately I am not ready yet”.  Because, the truth is, it still hurts.  I am both mentally and physically still struggling with my health.  


In 2012, I was formally diagnosed with Bipolar Disorder.  I was initially told I had Major Depression, but manic episodes quickly changed the diagnosis.  Living my life with a combination of mania and depression has been extremely challenging.  Psychological stabilization has included multiple hospitalizations and numerous medication changes.  While I have survived some of the darkest days of my life, this is not the only health battle that I face.   

Since 2018, I have suffered from Chronic Migraines.  Every 3 months I undergo botox treatments, and I give myself a maintenance injection every 30 days.  And finally, at the onset of a migraine that starts quickly and suddenly, I take a medication.  This is because I can feel the excruciating pain behind my eyes moving into my head.  They are disruptive and debilitating.  

To further explain the current state of my health, I have lived with the effects of Long Covid since December of 2022.  A team of medical experts monitor and support me at a local Long Covid Clinic.  The main symptoms I now live with include chronic fatigue, anxiety and brain fog.  

So, am I working again?  No.  Due to multiple illnesses being addressed at once, I spend a large portion of my daily life going to various doctors appointments.  And when time allows, I take long naps because having chronic fatigue can make it unbearable to function without one.  

The support from my doctors helps to keep me stable.  And at the same time, I also practice various forms of self-care to support my healthcare journey.  For example, I make it a point to drink a lot of water and eat healthy foods.  I love to do paint-by-numbers, I read books and articles, and I take time to do as much physical activity as my health allows.  

However, It. All. Still Hurts.  Yet, I choose to not live my life with the pain defining the woman that I have become.  Instead, I push forward through every challenge that presents itself.  And when I am well enough, I slide my feet into my high heels and do the best I can with every day that I am blessed to have.

Love Note: With all my heart, I genuinely request that due to the content written, please seek the guidance of professional help should you feel you need it.

It Still Hurts, Part 1

I get teased for taking multiple trips to the grocery store each week.  I make up a lot of excuses as to why.  For example, needing fresh bread, forgetting to get milk or picking up fresh vegetables.  But the hidden truth is that I do all of this because my neck and arm still hurt.  


In March of 2024, I had my second major surgery at Johns Hopkins to sever one of the muscles causing excruciating pain down my left arm.  Thoracic Outlet Syndrome (TOS) is not for the faint of heart.  And even after 2 years of rehabilitation and recovery, I still feel the effects.


I will never forget sitting in my doctors office 4 months post-operation explaining to my doctor that my left arm was still causing me shooting and throbbing pain.  He explained that I will only ever become 80% healed.  The other 20% is nerve damage that I’ll suffer for the rest of my life.


So yes, I take multiple trips a week to the grocery store.  But mainly because pushing a heavy shopping cart and lifting grocery bags is still painful.  Also, I do not like long car rides because the position of sitting in the seat causes shooting pain down my arm.  And I sit on my couch in a straight forward upright position to watch television.  I do this because it is the only way I can tolerate the pain that twisting my neck sideways or upward causes.  

Am I grateful for the 80%?  With all my heart, yes.  But do I still suffer daily from the 20%?  Absolutely.


I try not to talk about the pain that TOS causes me anymore.  Instead, I tolerate it and I adjust my life accordingly to live and manage it.  When it hurts, I stretch my arm and shoulder like my physical therapist showed me.  I change pillows regularly to sleep with less pain.  And, I started taking private lessons for activities that help strengthen my arms to support my neck and shoulder.


Still, I remain encouraged and grateful for the good days and pain-free moments.  And, I add a little spice to my life by wearing my high heels to go buy bread!  Because, when it’s all said and done, I do my best to be present while still silently struggling with TOS 2 years later.

Love Note: With all my heart, I genuinely request that due to the content written, please seek the guidance of professional help should you feel you need it.