Let's Not Call Each Other Mean Names

It has taken me a few days to get my head around how I want to present this next post and here is why:
1.  It is a touchy topic
2.  It involves speaking about stigmas
3.  Someone I know who knows me said it.  And I refuse to disclose names. 


So, with that being said, here it goes... A few days ago I was talking to a fifty year old man. I have known him for about a year now.  Whilst we do know each other and are friendly to one another, he does not know the extent of my story.  He does not know that I was diagnosted with Depression when I was twenty one years old and Major Depression when I was twenty six.  And he does not know that the spring of 2012, my diagnosis changed to Bipolar Disorder.  However, he does know that I wear high heels (he has actually mentioned to me that when I wear my bright pink flats, I am significantly shorter than when I wear my high heels)!

All this to say, we were conversing about Delaware healthcare and I brought up the topic of "Behavioral Health".  I stated that I do not think we have enough resources for Mental Healthcare in the state of Delaware.  He replied that "we do not invest in whack-o's".  Now, if you know me well, you know that this struck home.  Unbeknownst to him, it was a direct insult to my health.  He could have simply agreed or disagreed with me but name calling in this fashion was not appropriate. 


Are we whack-o's because we have a mental disorder?  Each illness I am sure has its stereotypes and I would be lying to you if I said that mental health did not have a ton of stigmas attached to it.  But, my fellow friends, that does not make it right.  Was he making a joke?  Yes, he smiled and chuckled while he said it.  But does that make it acceptable?  I think not. 


When I approached the situation with my confidant we discussed what it means to have a mental illness. For me to over simplify it, it means that first and foremost I go to a psychiatrist. He is my doctor and he prescribes me medication to help me remain stable. And second, I see a therapist. Some people see a therapist others see a psychotherapist, a psychologist or counselor. When we have a physical injury, we go to physical therapy. When we have a mental illness, we see a mental, emotional or spiritual therapist (or for some people like me, my therapist is all three).

So to circle back to this man’s comment, my best guess is that he thought it was funny to name call because he does not understand the illness. He does not know that I see my psychiatrist every month and that I used to see this doctor weekly until I was stable. He does not know how often I see my mental therapist. And he certainly does not know how much time, energy and effort it takes to remain stable; how hard it is some days to get out of bed let alone to put on my high heels.

So my friends, the next time you decide to call someone a mean name, remember that you do not know their story. Know that they may be going through something that you personally do not understand. And finally remember that we are all human and kindness can go a long way, especially when it comes to name calling of those who are ill.

Love Note:  With all my heart, I genuinely request that due to the content written, please seek the guidance of professional help should you feel you need it.

When Falling Asleep is Tough

The struggle is real.  Falling asleep can be really tough sometimes, no doubt about it.  But I can tell you, when I cannot fall asleep, this is when my mind wanders.  And when it wanders at night, while I am laying in bed wishing I were sleeping, it does not always go to happy places.


To say the least, I have always been apprehensive in the dark.  Darkness has been quite honestly a fear for a greater portion of my life.  So when the lights go out at night, and the darkness of the world settles in, this is when I want my brain to shut off, my body to relax and sleep to fall upon me.  However some nights this does not happen and last night was one of those nights. 


I have come to find that once my brain is on an inner treadmill, the "power off" switch is nowhere to be found.  And when this happens for me, it can get ugly.  What I mean by this is that having a mental illness causes my brain to think dark thoughts at times.  To my family and close friends, I generalize these dark thoughts "bad thoughts".  So last night as my husband soundly slept next to me, I was listening to him breathing thinking that I wanted to be asleep too.  But since I could not sleep I got mad that I was still wide awake.  And when I am awake, not sleeping, and now mad about it, my brain decided that it did not want to be happy anymore.  I am blaming my brain because if I had it my way and had control over my thoughts, I would have been thinking about butterflies and wild flower gardens starting to fall fast asleep.  Instead, I was getting mad and my thoughts went dark. 


Dark thoughts for me can mean many things.  This includes thoughts about the universe and why I am on earth.  Why was I picked to be on earth and why not someone else?  Who had I become and how did I become this way?  How did I get to be the age of 33 and what had I done with my life thus far to get to that age?  And then my brain goes to the future and if I could not fall asleep, what would the future look like:  Was I pre-destined to be depressed the next day?  (In my experience the answer to this is “yes”).  Sometimes when I lay in bed at night and cannot sleep, I cannot see the future at all.  I can only describe this feeling as an emptiness: desolate and deserted.  It is certainly a depressing thought pattern and can lead down a dark path. 


As I type this post, I am thinking about what happens next and how does it happen.  For example, do I eventually fall asleep?  Do I stay awake all night?  Do I wake up my husband and have him rub my back to calm my anxiety and give me solace?  And while any one of these things could happen, it really depends on the night.  So last night I sang a little song to myself over and over and over again until I finally passed out.  And of course that was not enough to stay asleep so I woke up an hour later and went through the whole daunting process again only to sing my song over and over and.... over again once more.

Love Note:  With all my heart, I genuinely request that due to the content written, please seek the guidance of professional help should you feel you need it.

Blog Title and Pen Name Explanation

My friend was helping me set up my blog today and she was asking me questions about the title.  She wanted to better understand why I picked this title and why it meant so much to me.  Why high heels?  Well for my first post (yes, first of many more to come), I thought I would explain the title and pen name.  How does that sound? 


Bipolar in High Heels:  Successful Steps to Mental Health
This is me and this is my story about my life as a person who was diagnosed in the spring of 2012 with Bipolar Disorder.  Since that time, I have been hospitalized twice and I have been on the maximum dose of four medications.  On the same token, I have also held a full time job and by the standards of doctors across the country, I am considered "high-functioning".  I wear high heels to work every day (with the exception of one pair of bright pink flats that I wear on occasion) and I wear my heels with pride.  They make me feel not only taller but good about myself.  As I take my life one step at a time, I put my high heels on every day and I strive for success.  I am not only a successful professional business woman but I am a survivor of a deadly illness.  Yes, I said it: deadly.  An ugly illness where my brain does not function as per the norm.  Living with this illness is a daily struggle that leads me to take days one at a time and seconds one by one.  Putting one high heeled foot in front of the other every minute of every day makes me humble and feel very blessed to be alive and living with such an illness as this. 


Moody Mom
For my pen name, I decided to make it fun and a twist on words.  Being that Bipolar tends to make your emotions go haywire at times, I thought why not have a silly pen name.  On a serious note, mood swings can be very severe with Bipolar and even devastating at times.  That being said, I can be very moody but my medications keep the highs and lows to a minimum.  When I was trying to determine what to use as a pen name my husband suggested Moody Mom and I ran with it.  I mean, why not?  I am a mom.  And Bipolar certainly makes me moody. 


This, my friends, concludes my first blog post.  I feel so excited that you took the time to read this and to be my audience.  I will check in again soon but for now, have a lovely evening. 

Love Note:  With all my heart, I genuinely request that due to the content written, please seek the guidance of professional help should you feel you need it.