When Falling Asleep is Tough

The struggle is real.  Falling asleep can be really tough sometimes, no doubt about it.  But I can tell you, when I cannot fall asleep, this is when my mind wanders.  And when it wanders at night, while I am laying in bed wishing I were sleeping, it does not always go to happy places.


To say the least, I have always been apprehensive in the dark.  Darkness has been quite honestly a fear for a greater portion of my life.  So when the lights go out at night, and the darkness of the world settles in, this is when I want my brain to shut off, my body to relax and sleep to fall upon me.  However some nights this does not happen and last night was one of those nights. 


I have come to find that once my brain is on an inner treadmill, the "power off" switch is nowhere to be found.  And when this happens for me, it can get ugly.  What I mean by this is that having a mental illness causes my brain to think dark thoughts at times.  To my family and close friends, I generalize these dark thoughts "bad thoughts".  So last night as my husband soundly slept next to me, I was listening to him breathing thinking that I wanted to be asleep too.  But since I could not sleep I got mad that I was still wide awake.  And when I am awake, not sleeping, and now mad about it, my brain decided that it did not want to be happy anymore.  I am blaming my brain because if I had it my way and had control over my thoughts, I would have been thinking about butterflies and wild flower gardens starting to fall fast asleep.  Instead, I was getting mad and my thoughts went dark. 


Dark thoughts for me can mean many things.  This includes thoughts about the universe and why I am on earth.  Why was I picked to be on earth and why not someone else?  Who had I become and how did I become this way?  How did I get to be the age of 33 and what had I done with my life thus far to get to that age?  And then my brain goes to the future and if I could not fall asleep, what would the future look like:  Was I pre-destined to be depressed the next day?  (In my experience the answer to this is “yes”).  Sometimes when I lay in bed at night and cannot sleep, I cannot see the future at all.  I can only describe this feeling as an emptiness: desolate and deserted.  It is certainly a depressing thought pattern and can lead down a dark path. 


As I type this post, I am thinking about what happens next and how does it happen.  For example, do I eventually fall asleep?  Do I stay awake all night?  Do I wake up my husband and have him rub my back to calm my anxiety and give me solace?  And while any one of these things could happen, it really depends on the night.  So last night I sang a little song to myself over and over and over again until I finally passed out.  And of course that was not enough to stay asleep so I woke up an hour later and went through the whole daunting process again only to sing my song over and over and.... over again once more.

Love Note:  With all my heart, I genuinely request that due to the content written, please seek the guidance of professional help should you feel you need it.