Perfect Just The Way I Am

Every Sunday I sit down and fill up my medicine container for the coming week.  This past Sunday, my daughter took the chair beside me and simply asked "Mommy, what is each pill for?"  This unfolded into a beautiful conversation about my physical and mental health.  I explained to her how the medications support my need to take care of myself and how they help keep me healthy. 

My daughter and I discussed the fact that every person has a different brain and that mine is especially unique.  We talked about the diagnosis of bipolar disorder and how my brain cells do not properly send signals to one another.  We discussed how the medicine creates a bridge from one cell to another.  And that this process supports a healthy brain and therefore a more healthy Mommy.  

I also reminded her that one of my doctors is a counselor.  And we talked about the differences and similarities between physical therapy and mental health therapy.  I explained that I go to physical therapy for my arm to help it heal.  And that I see a mental health therapist to support the continued healing of my brain.  Within 5 minutes my pill container was filled and my daughter hopped out of the chair and went to play in the other room.  

I call my pills the "medication cocktail" that supports my mental health and heals my physical ailments.  Even with prescription medications and vitamins, there is a dark side of my brain that tells me I am worthless.  And when these bad thoughts come sneaking in, I acknowledge them for what they are, remind myself that it is my brain having an unhealthy moment, and I imagine the bad thought passing through my ears and out into the world.  And when in doubt, I slide my feet into high heels and gently remind myself that I am perfect just the way that I am.  

Love Note:  With all my heart, I genuinely request that due to the content written, please seek the guidance of professional help should you feel you need it.

We All Have A Story To Tell

I recently saw a t-shirt that said "Don't Judge What You Don't Understand" and it resonated with me. It humbled my feelings of self-pity and emphasized my thoughts of being okay with being different. Having a mental illness drives the feelings of "poor me" to the surface which therefore suffocate the positive thoughts. On a good day, I can work on self-care but sometimes it is difficult. And on the hard days, I try my best to offer myself grace, patience and understanding that the negative thoughts are the illness speaking and not my healthy brain.


When I tell people that I struggle with a mental illness, sometimes I am offered loving comments and other times I feel judged. For instance, I was talking with a woman about my physical and mental health (not as a complaint but rather I was sharing my truth) and her response was, "well at least you don't have cancer and you are not dying". While there is validity in these words, the statement does not diminish the magnitude of my own story. And although I genuinely agree with the comment, what I do not stand for is comparing my illness to that of others. I have my own story to tell and my own battles to face and just as I do not pass judgement on your life, I would appreciate the same in return related to my own illnesses.


I believe that we each have a story to tell throughout our own personal journey. Life is not a competition for who has more suffering nor a comparison of who is happier living in this world. Instead, it is a genuinely honorable reflection of the combination of my past history, my present situations and my hope for a different future. By looking at life this way, we can honor a shift in perspective from judgmental to grateful. I am thankful for medicine and doctors and I am humbled by how I choose to handle mental and physical pain. Yet, we need to own that each of us feels differently in our own skin and there is nothing wrong with how we are living our lives in tandem with one another.


We can make a choice to be grateful for where we are in life or, we can feel burdened by our current conditions. We can compare ourselves to others, or we can choose to accept that everyone has a battle of their own to face. And finally, we have the ability to judge someone else yet we do not know anything about the world that they live in day in and day out.


So today, as you slide your feet into your high heel shoes, I ask you a simple question: Will you chose to be grateful or feel burdened by the day you are facing?  And I hope you will choose gratitude.  However, if you decided to feel sorry for yourself then I hope you will also offer yourself grace and not compare your life to what anyone else is going through. Because, my dear friends, we all have a story to tell.


Love Note: With all my heart, I genuinely request that due to the content written, please seek the guidance of professional help should you feel you need it.

A Lot Of Courage

When a doctor mentions the word "surgery" every part of me cringes.  I despise the word because I know the ramifications of the aftermath.  I know that the word comes equip with a surgeon, many
surgical instruments, nurses, anesthesia and more recovery for my body.  

Recently, I have done a lot of reflecting on past surgeries knowing full well that I will have another one on Thursday.  Aside from wisdom teeth extraction, I have undergone a total of 8 surgeries.  Therefore, I felt a great amount of trauma when my doctor told me I needed another one.  The feelings of pure disgust, anticipation, anxiety and stress have fully settled into my mind.  And I can feel the weight of yet another surgery on the shoulders of my family.  

Why have another surgery?  The Thoracic Outlet Syndrome (TOS) Decompression surgery in September was major reconstruction of areas in my neck, shoulder and top of my chest.  This subsequently had a positive affect on the nerves that were causing horrid pains and lack of mobility down my arm.  This secondary surgery is a bit lower on my chest/shoulder and will decompress more nerves hopefully ending years of pain.  The TOS surgery took me to about 65% better and the next one, we can only hope, will get me back to 99% myself again.  

When I think about where I am today with all my healthcare issues that I have had over the years, I have to take a moment and honor myself with a bit of bravery.  Why?  Because my main diagnosis has always been bipolar disorder and chronic migraines yet the surgeries have proved otherwise for different parts of my body needing further intervention.  

So, my dearest friends, when I think about all I have been through, I lean away from overwhelming thoughts of sadness and anger and reflect instead on courage, strength and resilience.  I think about how proud I am for all that my family and I have been through with my health.  And I continue to have unending hope for days filled with healing, health and wellness in my journey of life.  

So during the month of March, I want all my ladies to wear their high heels and think of me.  And men, put on your dress shoes with pride.  If not for you, but maybe you'll do it this one time...for me.  I love you all.  

Love Note:  With all my heart, I genuinely request that due to the content written, please seek the guidance of professional help should you feel you need it.

Our Cat Named Ninja

This blog post is in loving memory to honor our precious cat, Ninja. 

 May you forever rest in the arms of angels.

All my life I wanted a cat as a pet.  As a child, I could not have one for many reasons including a house full of people allergic to the fur.  Therefore, when I moved out and lived on my own, I decided to adopt a cat.  Her name was Ninja.

In 2012, there was an advertisement on Craigslist and it showed a picture of a malnourished 1 year old cat.  She had beautiful black fur with white paws and a white belly.  The ad deemed her “unadoptable because people only want to adopt kittens and no one wants a cat".  And the ad continued with, "...but if she is not adopted she will have to be put to sleep” because the shelter simply could not keep her any longer.  I saw the pictures, I saw the ad and I saw our cat named Ninja Mittens Massaconi. 

Ninja earned her name because the owner of the shelter would see her doing little ninja-like back flips off the couch in the middle of the night when the kittens were sleeping.  And she clearly exemplified her name through actions such as squeezing under the dresser, hiding under the kitchen table, and sneaking onto my husbands lap for her daily dose of Daddy pets. 

Ninja was a very special cat.  Whenever I was physically or mentally ill, she would lay with me on our bed.  There were days of depression where she would not leave my side, snuggled up at my hip keeping me company.  On those days, she provided me comfort and reminded me that her love was unconditional. 

Ninja never missed a family dinner because she always sat underneath my daughter’s chair while we ate.  And although she was not much of a “lap cat”, she always sat with my husband while he worked remotely.  She slept at our feet at night and meowed for breakfast first thing every morning.  At some point, setting an alarm clock became redundant because we always had a "Ninja meowing alarm" instead. 

Ninja was a part of our family for many years.  Unfortunately, a month ago, we were devastated when she was diagnosed with bone cancer.  Yet we kept asking ourselves, "Ninja's last forever, don’t they?"  However, the world had other plans and our Ninja passed away last Friday.  There is not a day that goes by that we do not think about the profound presence she had in our lives. 

She was a special cat and today, I wear my high heels for her.  She battled cancer like a champion.  She persevered for a month through this horrible illness, and she still purred and loved on all of us as we surround her with pets and kisses on the forehead during her last weeks on earth.  Our hearts ache now that she has left this world but our family will never forget the presence she had in our lives and the little furry legacy that she left behind. 

Love Note:  With all my heart, I genuinely request that due to the content written, please seek the guidance of professional help should you feel you need it.