Wednesday, July 30, 2025

Self-Love

 


Self-love is a hard topic for me.  I struggle a lot with accepting where I am in my life.  Yet, in the midst of the chaos, there is a small twinkle of hope.  And that little light keeps me going forward.  


I have been struggling recently with living one moment at a time.  My thoughts are so far into the future that it overwhelms me.  I feel lost in the middle of a tornado of emotions, which leads me to never-ending anxiety.  Therefore, I tend to take simple things for granted and I forget to be grateful.  


Recently, one of my family members fractured their elbow.  It took her out of every sport that she loved, ended summer swimming with her friends, and stopped her from doing simple chores around the house.  She went from a high-functioning athlete to now needing help opening the toothpaste bottle to brush her teeth.  In the blink of an eye, her life flipped upside down.  


Not only did her physical health change but her mental health changed, too.  After lots of hugs and a "get well soon" balloon, we sat down and talked.  She looked me in the eyes and said, "I took my arm for granted.  I forgot how important it is to be grateful to be able to use every single part of my body.  Now that I can't, I am reminded that life can change very suddenly". 


Her wise words reminded me that I need to focus on one moment at a time.  Looking into the future can be daunting because I do not know what lies ahead.  I cannot control the moments that have yet to take place.  


It is so important to remember that every tiny moment in the present matters.  I can let anxiety, fear, panic and worry surround me.  Or, I can re-wire my brain to live with self-love and be patient with the person I am becoming.  


So today, as I slide my feet into my high heel shoes, I will remind myself to be grateful.  When I feel overwhelmed, I will remember to love myself.  And when in doubt, I will look for that little twinkle of hope to get me through the day.  


Love Note: With all my heart, I genuinely request that due to the content written, please seek the guidance of professional help should you feel you need it. 

Wednesday, July 16, 2025

Becoming A Butterfly

 


I love butterflies.  And I am always touched by the gentle reminder that a butterfly was once a caterpillar.  The process and journey of the caterpillar becoming a butterfly is so beautiful to me.


Earlier today I was reflecting on the term and concept of "to become" or "becoming".  To me, in order to try to become an evolved version of myself means that I have to therefore accept where I am in the present.  And by accepting where I am, I allow space for myself to see where I can potentially be in the future.  I feel like this is a beautiful theory, yet my reflection on this made me stumble upon a recent example in my own life.  


In 2020, during the beginning of the pandemic, I set a goal to run a 5k, which is roughly 3.11 miles.  I even went as far as to buy a "virtual race kit" to accomplish this goal.  Upon completion of running the 5k, I was supposed to post pictures on the race website and earn a medal that was mailed to me.  So, I started training for the run.


My grandfather used to say, "If it wasn't for bad luck, I wouldn't have any luck at all" and he was right.  About 6 months into training, I ran my way into a back injury.  This paused my training and took the excitement out of the idea.  One year later, I contracted COVID for the first time and became extremely ill.  And then after two major surgeries and getting COVID for the second time, I finally began a journey to becoming physically healthy again.  Yet, approximately 5 years later, I had yet to accomplish my goal.


3 months ago, I looked at my husband with tears rolling down my face.  I told him that all I wanted to do was run this 5k before my birthday.  We discussed my physical health, including my limited lung capacity, and my psychological health of the constantly lingering depression. These health issues were keeping me from accomplishing my goal that I wanted so badly to pursue.


Knowing that I wanted to become a stronger version of myself, my husband helped me map out a way to obtain my goal of running a 5k before the end of July 2025.  And so, my journey began.  I started off as a little caterpillar.  I walked half a mile a day for weeks.  And I slowly added a little jogging into my routine.  My walking turned into jogging and my jogging turned into running.  My lungs, legs and arms grew stronger and my mental health was also reaping the benefits of body movement for 45minutes a day 3 to 4 days a week.


This past Sunday, I ran my very first 5k.  I took my time, I paced myself, and I did a lot of positive self talk.  In that moment, I felt like I finally became a butterfly.  When my daughter presented me with my medal, it felt like 5 years of accomplishment hanging around my neck.   


So much of me felt stagnant for years.  But when I was finally healthy enough to think about becoming a mentally and physically stronger version of myself, I was able to meet a 5-year goal.  I honored 
who I was and became the person I wanted to be.


When I am not wearing high heels, I am wearing running sneakers.  And both make me feel just as beautiful.  And I am gently reminded that in order to become a stronger version of the person I currently am, I have to honor the caterpillar I am in the present moment while preparing for the butterfly I want to be in the future.  

Love Note: With all my heart, I genuinely request that due to the content written, please seek the guidance of professional help should you feel you need it. 

Wednesday, July 9, 2025

How Do You Perceive Yourself


 

It is my belief that how you perceive yourself is not the same way in which others perceive you.  Take a moment and look at the picture in this post.  If what you see in the mirror is only the straight-forward view of yourself, then you are not looking at the rest of your beautiful self.  There is so much more to you than just one view.  And other people have the ability to see beauty in you that you do not see in yourself. 


For example, my husband always says that I am too hard on myself.  He explains that I do not give myself enough credit for the things I do and the woman I have become.  And maybe he is right, because he sees me from a different perspective.  His perception is through the lense of his loving and genuinely caring view of me.  


When I look in the mirror, I perceive myself to be someone who is pretty on the outside, and yet I am sad on the inside.  This is because I battle bipolar disorder.  Therefore, I know it is important to take care of myself.  


For these reasons, I like to wear jeans or nice pants and a fun shirt to compliment the look.  And if you know me, you will most likely see me sporting a pair of high heel shoes.  I feel good when I dress nicely.  Even though I may not feel confident inwardly, it makes me want to hold my head up high.  While clothes and shoes do not define who I am, I choose to look good on the outside to contrast my inner-most feelings of negative self-worth.  


On the other hand, a pair of yoga pants and sneakers feels really good sometimes, too.  And there is nothing wrong with sweat pants and flip flops.  This is a no-judgement zone for you to find comfort in who you are as a person, no matter how you perceive yourself.  


I hope that today and always you shine both on the inside and outside.  You are beautiful no matter what you wear.  This is because you are perfectly you.  


Love Note: With all my heart, I genuinely request that due to the content written, please seek the guidance of professional help should you feel you need it. 

Wednesday, July 2, 2025

I Will Never Leave Your Side

 

Recently my best friend has been struggling with depression.  Her inability to vocalize this until more recently has been devastating to me.  I feel like I have not been the friend that she needs.  This is because when she did finally reach out to me via text, she explained that she felt like she was suffering in silence. 


Being someone who battles bipolar and anxiety disorders, I have a special place in my heart for mental health.  I have lived most of my life with mental illnesses, and I have grown a deep empathy for others who struggle through mental health challenges.  


It is for this reason that I felt so sad when my best friend told me she was suffering silently with depression.  She explained that getting out of bed in the morning was difficult.  She said that she spent every moment battling through work just to get through the day.  And every ounce of her body wanted nothing more than to constantly cry out of deepened sadness that she never knew she could feel.  


Recent events have reminded me that suffering is not always loud.  I know that being alone is not always peaceful.  And I understand the importance of getting out of bed and simply having a sip of water.  And then sending just one or two text messages can use up all of someones energy for that day.  


The friend that I long to be, is the person that people reach out to when they need someone by their side.  I do not want to stand back and watch life pass me by.  Instead, I want to be actively involved in the daily life of the people that I love the most.  My heart is broken for my friend and I feel like I failed her by not noticing her pain sooner.  


I hope this is a subtle reminder that it is okay to not be okay.  That when you feel despair, I hope you reach out to a loved one whom you trust with your heart.  And if you feel you have no one, my hope is that you will reach out to a professional for the help that you so desperately need.  


Amongst the chaos of my life, my best friend did not want to reach out to me because she did not want to "bother me".  But, little did she know, she could never be anything but a perfectly precious part of my life.  And I wanted her to know this.  I wanted her to know that she could never be a bother to me because I love her so much. 


As soon as we finished our text message conversation, I grabbed my pocketbook and went to the store.  I bought her a pair of one inch white high heels, and I drove to her house.  I snuck them in her mailbox with a note, "I love you.  You are not alone.  And I hope these heels are a reminder of your inner strength and ability to get through this tough time".  Then I sent her a text message, "A secret admirer left a little something in your mailbox".  I drove away knowing that she is my best friend, and I will never leave her side.  


 Love Note: With all my heart, I genuinely request that due to the content written, please seek the guidance of professional help should you feel you need it.