It Still Hurts, Part 2

I was recently asked, "When do you plan on going back to work?"  To which I replied, “My health reminds me that unfortunately I am not ready yet”.  Because, the truth is, it still hurts.  I am both mentally and physically still struggling with my health.  


In 2012, I was formally diagnosed with Bipolar Disorder.  I was initially told I had Major Depression, but manic episodes quickly changed the diagnosis.  Living my life with a combination of mania and depression has been extremely challenging.  Psychological stabilization has included multiple hospitalizations and numerous medication changes.  While I have survived some of the darkest days of my life, this is not the only health battle that I face.   

Since 2018, I have suffered from Chronic Migraines.  Every 3 months I undergo botox treatments, and I give myself a maintenance injection every 30 days.  And finally, at the onset of a migraine that starts quickly and suddenly, I take a medication.  This is because I can feel the excruciating pain behind my eyes moving into my head.  They are disruptive and debilitating.  

To further explain the current state of my health, I have lived with the effects of Long Covid since December of 2022.  A team of medical experts monitor and support me at a local Long Covid Clinic.  The main symptoms I now live with include chronic fatigue, anxiety and brain fog.  

So, am I working again?  No.  Due to multiple illnesses being addressed at once, I spend a large portion of my daily life going to various doctors appointments.  And when time allows, I take long naps because having chronic fatigue can make it unbearable to function without one.  

The support from my doctors helps to keep me stable.  And at the same time, I also practice various forms of self-care to support my healthcare journey.  For example, I make it a point to drink a lot of water and eat healthy foods.  I love to do paint-by-numbers, I read books and articles, and I take time to do as much physical activity as my health allows.  

However, It. All. Still Hurts.  Yet, I choose to not live my life with the pain defining the woman that I have become.  Instead, I push forward through every challenge that presents itself.  And when I am well enough, I slide my feet into my high heels and do the best I can with every day that I am blessed to have.

Love Note: With all my heart, I genuinely request that due to the content written, please seek the guidance of professional help should you feel you need it.

It Still Hurts, Part 1

I get teased for taking multiple trips to the grocery store each week.  I make up a lot of excuses as to why.  For example, needing fresh bread, forgetting to get milk or picking up fresh vegetables.  But the hidden truth is that I do all of this because my neck and arm still hurt.  


In March of 2024, I had my second major surgery at Johns Hopkins to sever one of the muscles causing excruciating pain down my left arm.  Thoracic Outlet Syndrome (TOS) is not for the faint of heart.  And even after 2 years of rehabilitation and recovery, I still feel the effects.


I will never forget sitting in my doctors office 4 months post-operation explaining to my doctor that my left arm was still causing me shooting and throbbing pain.  He explained that I will only ever become 80% healed.  The other 20% is nerve damage that I’ll suffer for the rest of my life.


So yes, I take multiple trips a week to the grocery store.  But mainly because pushing a heavy shopping cart and lifting grocery bags is still painful.  Also, I do not like long car rides because the position of sitting in the seat causes shooting pain down my arm.  And I sit on my couch in a straight forward upright position to watch television.  I do this because it is the only way I can tolerate the pain that twisting my neck sideways or upward causes.  

Am I grateful for the 80%?  With all my heart, yes.  But do I still suffer daily from the 20%?  Absolutely.


I try not to talk about the pain that TOS causes me anymore.  Instead, I tolerate it and I adjust my life accordingly to live and manage it.  When it hurts, I stretch my arm and shoulder like my physical therapist showed me.  I change pillows regularly to sleep with less pain.  And, I started taking private lessons for activities that help strengthen my arms to support my neck and shoulder.


Still, I remain encouraged and grateful for the good days and pain-free moments.  And, I add a little spice to my life by wearing my high heels to go buy bread!  Because, when it’s all said and done, I do my best to be present while still silently struggling with TOS 2 years later.

Love Note: With all my heart, I genuinely request that due to the content written, please seek the guidance of professional help should you feel you need it.

The Courage To "Roar"

 

One of my friends is passionate about saving the lives of innocent animals.  She has been working diligently on a project to help end animal poaching.  It is an honor for me to be a witness to her hard work and dedication.  

To me, this project is a huge undertaking.  At strictly face value, when I look at her, I see a beautiful petite young lady.  However, on the inside, she is strong, fierce and brave.  Through her hard work and dedication, I can see that helping animals transforms her into a leader.  

In one of our recent conversations, my friend said, "You'll never know if you have the courage to be a lion if you don't try to roar".  

She explained to me that being courageous is important for her.  Her mindset about who she is as a person is everything when it comes to facing and working through challenges.  For instance, if a cat only ever tries to "meow" then it will always be perceived as a soft, small and cuddly animal.  On the contrary, a cat who has the courage to "roar" is a reflection of a strong, fierce and brave lion.  Therefore, their outer-most self is now a seamless reflection of the courage they possess.  

At the end of our conversation, my friend said that, through her eyes, I am a lion.  She stated that high heeled shoes have given me the courage to "roar".  While some people may see them as a superficial means in which to be beautiful, I wear them to represent confidence and empowerment.  

As my friend and I reflect on ourselves, I encourage others to do the same.  Ask yourself, "Do I have the courage to "roar"?  What gives me motivation, boosts my confidence and transforms me into a lion?"  Some people I know are runners and as soon as they slide their feet into their sneakers, they are ready to face challenges with strength and purpose.  Other people love to travel the world because this gives them excitement and hope.  And yet for others, sitting behind the wheel of their dream sports car makes them feel serene and stress-free.  

This cat and lion metaphor was a powerful way for me to reflect on my courageous mentality.  For so many years, I refused to look at myself in the mirror, let alone try to speak positive truth into my daily life.  But I appreciate my friend's perspective and want to try and lean into my inner lion a little bit more.  And I hope today, that you will take a moment to remember that you too possess the courage to "roar".  

Love Note: With all my heart, I genuinely request that due to the content written, please seek the guidance of professional help should you feel you need it.

Why High Heels?

 

Arguably, I feel as if there should not be a limit on the amount of shoes I buy!  Much to my husbands dismay, I also think there should be a line item in our budget for “special shoes”!  Shall we call it an obsession?  No!  But it is definitely a fun hobby where my feet, outfits and mental well-being benefit.  Since companies make shoes in various styles, colors, shapes and sizes, I am never fearful of an inevitable end to my shoe collection.  


To me, what I wear on my feet does not represent just fun and beauty, it also hold a much deeper meaning.  This is because shoes are a symbol to remind me to put one foot in front of the other, even when life wants me to stand still and not move at all.  Being a bipolar disorder survivor, I face highs and lows associated with this mental illness.  And each time I slide my feet into my high heels, I am encouraged to take one step at a time to get through each moment of the day.  

But, you may ask yourself, "Why shoes"?  And my response is as follows:

The unhealthy lows of bipolar disorder tell my brain that it is best to stay in bed.  However, when I can overcome the depression and slide my feet out of bed and onto the floor, I immediately wear slippers.  I cover my feet to surround them with encouragement to begin my day.  On days that I am well enough, my slippers turn into a shoe that will take me outside.  And those shoes are usually high heels encouraging me to be confident as I step foot outside the confines of my comfort zone and into the world of many unknowns.  

Some days are easier than others to get out of bed.  Often times, my feet only make their way into slippers.  But on several occasions, I am able to slide my feet into high heels and make my way outside of my house.  If I simply get of bed and do stay-at-home self care, or I venture outside the comfort of my home, I remain encouraged.  I offer myself grace on the rough days and shoes add a confidence boost to the healthy days.  

For me, shoes are a reminder that with one foot in front of the other, I can always move forward no matter what life throws in my direction.  Whether it is with one simple pair of shoes or a different shoe for every occasion, I know that an illness cannot hold me back.  So with each step I take, I remain filled with hope.  And I place one foot in front of the other as I move through life one moment at a time in my high heels. 

 

Love Note: With all my heart, I genuinely request that due to the content written, please seek the guidance of professional help should you feel you need it.

Warriors Of Love

Warriors of Love

Written by my daughter

Age 10 years old

“Love is something you receive and give.  Love needs to be cared for.  Love can hurt, but if you push through all that tough pain, you’ll find all the good funny tingling wonderful sensations.


But, the "Warriors of Love" can do this best out of anyone.  You just don’t wake up a warrior, and it isn’t passed through generations.  Instead, Warriors of Love just simply love fully and care deeply.  They give to others even when it’s tough.


Maybe that warrior of love is you.  If you say “I’m a Warrior of Love” yet don’t act on it, then you probably aren’t.  This is because the warriors are the ones who don’t know that they themselves have this quality.  They have inner strength and they just love on others because it feels good.


The love warriors are the ones who make this world a better place.  There is no need to ask yourself if you are or are not this kind of person.  Because if you wish for it but don’t work for it, then maybe it’s not you.  Do not ask yourself about it. Don’t wish for love to happen.  Instead, just do it and act on it.”


After she wrote and read this to me, I said, “sweetheart, who is an example of a Warrior of Love in your life?”  With a thoughtful pause, she said, “Mommy, I think you are.  You love others with all your heart even when maybe they don’t love you back.  And you love with your whole heart and don’t ask for anything in return.”

The words of my daughter made me feel seen.  This is because I felt like she acknowledged my outward expression of love.  Maybe you don’t realize it, but someone else sees you as a Warrior of Love in their lives.  

My daughters words are a pertinent expression of how she feels, and how she relates to the love she witnesses in her life.  I am honored to be viewed as Warrior of Love.  And as we all slide our feet into our high heels, I hope you will be reminded of someone who made you feel seen and loved as well.  

Love Note: With all my heart, I genuinely request that due to the content written, please seek the guidance of professional help should you feel you need it.

The Life I Have Chosen To Create

 

Twenty years ago, my husband and I started dating.  In the midst of our celebration, I was asked, "If you could do it all over again, would you go back twenty years and still choose the same path?  Would you still spend twenty years with this same person?"  While I was certainly taken aback by the blunt questions, my response came without hesitation, "I would change nothing about my decision to date him.  The life we have created together is an honor.  And I am so glad that I get to live it with him by my side".  

If there is one thing that I know about myself, it is that I do not settle.  I have always been a strong-willed, independent person.  From a young age, I took the initiative to learn new things about life.  For any unanswered questions that lingered in my mind, I sought out the answers on my own.  I was never afraid to be myself even through adversity during my days at school.  And I grew up in a supportive family that gave me the freedom to discover life on my own terms. 

Have I been through a lot of unpleasant circumstances throughout my life?  Yes, of course.  But challenges never stopped me from pushing forward and unfolding the life I have chosen to create.  For me, difficulties provide experiences that cause me to persevere even more.  

I have had to push the "restart" button more than once in my life.  I have needed to pause, take a deep breath and reconvene with myself.  More times than I can remember, life has thrown me obstacles that have made me change the course of my desired outcomes.  And yet, I have refused to settle for a life I do not want.  

For me, I am grateful.  I have a husband who loves me fiercely, honestly and genuinely.  I have a daughter who exemplifies strength and resilience.  And I live a life that I was brave enough to create.  

So, to the person who questioned my decisions that I made twenty years ago, I say to you, "While I have had to hit the restart button more than once in my life, I will always be grateful for the one man who has stayed by my side through it all.  Also, I would never want to change the people in my life who have weaved their stories into my own.  And while situations in life may offer me sneakers, I will always choose to slide my feet into my high heels." 

Love Note: With all my heart, I genuinely request that due to the content written, please seek the guidance of professional help should you feel you need it.

An External Perspective

 

I am quick to be hard on myself and slow to offer myself grace.  I am quick to doubt myself and slow to be confident in my decisions.  I am quick to jump to negativity and slow to lean into positivity.  

Unfortunately, I do not readily allow myself to face the chaos that life tends to throw in my direction.  And I certainly do not offer myself any compassion when life does not go my way.  Rather than going with the flow of life, I try to control everything. 

It is easy for me to get wrapped up in what I am not doing and hard for me to see all the things that I am accomplishing.  Yet, when I recognize these unhealthy patterns, I am able to find hope to work through them.  And therefore, I am more gentle on myself as I relate to my own progress.  

When I look inward and see doubt, I am robbing myself of the hard work that I am actually doing to guide myself and my family through each day.  I am not allowing myself to see the beauty in my life, even through all the commotion.  Instead, I am leaning into all my failures and away from all the progress.  

However, in the midst of these thoughts, I am gently reminded that there just might be someone on the outside looking at my life from a very different perspective.  They see how hard I am working through my challenges, and they are admiring my perseverance.  While I am sometimes suffocating within the confines of my surroundings, someone else is quite possibly looking in on my life wondering how I am successfully doing it all.  

I wear high heels with a purpose since they are a gentle reminder that I am perfect, beautiful and special in my own ways.  When I slide my feet into my special shoes, I move forward with a perspective that a voice inside me feels doubtful but my high heels prove differently.  They show me that I exhibit confidence as I strive to stride gracefully through life.  

Love Note: With all my heart, I genuinely request that due to the content written, please seek the guidance of professional help should you feel you need it.