This summer has brought a whole new meaning to the term “rock bottom”. So when people say they have “hit rock bottom and there’s no where to go except up”, I feel a certain way about the phrase.
This summer started off with a bang. And by bang I don’t mean the beach or a pool. No, this summer started with me... under my covers in bed... sleeping all day long (literally all day)...completely and undoubtedly depressed. My summer started at the emergency department with a psychiatric evaluation.
Basically the medication cocktail that I was on for 8 years decided it did not want to work anymore. And I literally could. not. function. My doctors decided it was best for me to go on FMLA which, as you know, secures your job but not your finances. My company did not automatically enroll it’s employees into short term nor long term disability. No, instead you had to go through a medical screening process to be eligible to receive disability. Therefore, we were on a single income (my husbands only) and I was on FMLA fighting to keep my job for when I was well enough to work again.
So, that’s where it all started. I saw my psychiatrist every other week with phones calls twice a week and I saw my therapist two to three times a week. And we started the journey of medication trial and error.
The first new medication we tried make me dizzy and gave me constant vertigo. So, not an option. The second one greeted me with a huge rash under my both my arms. So, not an option. And the third one made me nauseous and vomit regularly (which I will tell you more about later).
My second trip to the emergency department was from all the nausea and vomiting. I was not keeping anything down at all. At this visit they did a CT scan of my mid section and found a golf ball size cyst in my pancreas.
So I discussed this with my psychiatrist and, rightfully so, he sent me to a gastroenterologist to see what was going on. I had an endoscopy done with biopsies of my stomach and small intestine. And two weeks later we found no irregularities in the biopsies and they found nothing other than a swollen stomach during the endoscopy itself.
And then I saw the surgeon. He recommended removing the cyst which meant major robotic surgery. He wanted to take half the pancreas and the whole spleen in order to get all the cyst out of my body. So we scheduled the surgery for September 22nd.
In the meantime both the gastroenterologist as well as the surgeon agreed that even if they remove the cyst the nausea and vomiting may not subside. So, back to the drawing board again.
In the meantime I was prescribed three different stomach medications; one was for stomach cramping, one was for stomach burning and one was to stop vomiting and nausea.
However, apparently the bipolar medications did not play well in the sandbox together with the stomach medications. Therefore after taking the stomach meds three times daily for four days, I found out the hard way that I would have an adverse reaction to the medications. Four days later I woke up with uncontrollable movement in my head, neck, cheeks, mouth, tongue, arms and hands. My speech was slow and slurred and I had no control over the constant, rapid movements. I was put on a large dose of Benadryl for two days, three times daily to end the involuntary movements.
So that put an abrupt end to my stomach relief medication program. However, my psychiatrist was determined to help me and figure out what was wrong. So we dropped medication number # 3 and within a day the nausea and vomiting (for the most part) subsided.
Surgery is still lingering over my head and I have half a mind to cancel it. Oh and if I do not get the surgery done I will have to go back to work on September 20th if I want to keep my job.
I woke up yesterday morning with, what felt like strep throat. And tonight I not only have a sore throat but I also have a headache, post nasal drip and every single joint and muscle in my body is aching. So you know what that means? It means that tomorrow I am getting a second Covid test (the first Covid test I did a month earlier since I was not progressing quickly enough with my medications that the doctors thought it best that I got tested... that one came back negative).
Oh and I do not think I mentioned the fact that since I was constantly nauseous and vomiting for 4 weeks, I lost over 30 pounds.. in 4 weeks.
In the meantime, my daughter inadvertently matured way beyond her years this summer because we decided to not hide my illnesses from her. And my husband has been so stressed out he doesn’t know whether he is coming or going... while still working full time to bring income to our family.
Speaking of income we haven’t seen a paycheck from my job since June and our savings is now completely depleted just to pay the bills and put food on our tables. If I don’t get back to work soon, we will be up a creek without a paddle, as the saying goes. So what’s next? Our house? The few precious possessions that we have? Are we to sell them just to get by?
So, this is my “rock bottom”. And quite frankly I am still in the midst of it all. My counselor says to me all the time, “you are a rock star, I am so proud of you”. And my mom says that my constant battling through all this gives her strength (even though I do complain a lot about being sick, she still seems to think I am a strong woman). And it is possible that both women are correct in their own ways. And it is also possible that they see something special in me even during the darkest moments of my life.
Is there light at the end of the tunnel for me? I truly pray that there is. And honestly it’s through the strength of other people that I am feeling my way through such a messy time in my life.
So sometimes when we can’t see the light, we have to rely on others to share their candle with us... to collaborate with us in order for us to be able to see to navigate through the darkness. So, soon enough I will put my high heels back on again and it will feel oh so good to be back on my feet.
Love Note: With all my heart, I genuinely request that due to the content written, please seek the guidance of professional help should you feel you need it.
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