Dusting Off My High Heels

I recently wrote about contracting COVID and how it affected my mental and physical health.  I wanted to take a few moments to honor my physical health and share some of last year's journey with you.  Will you read along while I share my trial and tribulations?

As I slipped my feet into my high heel boots last night, every part of my soul was filled with joy.  It has been so long since I last wore heels yet it broke my heart to wear flats.  And for over a year, I had to wear flat shoes and put my high heels away in storage.  

After I contracted COVID (Dec 2022), I was diagnosed with Thoracic Outlet Syndrome (TOS).  Since the virus attacked my central nervous system, it took a toll on my neck, left shoulder and arm.  I lost mostly all ability to use my left arm.  Humbly, I share with you that I used plastic silverware because anything else was too heavy.  I could not drive, I could not hold a book, I could only hold my cell phone for moments at a time.  And because of all this (and much more), I lost my job.  

We went from doctor to doctor for months trying everything we could to get answers.  I had injections into my neck and I was on massive amounts of painkillers.  Yet nothing worked and more importantly nothing helped the stabbing, jabbing, tingling and numbness in my arm and fingers.  As a last resort, we went to a neurosurgeon.  I was told they could operate on my neck, taking out disks and inserting new ones to hopefully ease the pain.  Yet at my age, none of this settled well and my husband insisted on a second opinion.  

By the summer of 2023, we saw a neurosurgeon at Johns Hopkins Medicine who immediately told us I was not a candidate for neck surgery and referred us to his colleague.  This new doctor specialized in TOS and after a muscle block and MRI, I was formally diagnosed.  I underwent major surgery removing an extra rib in my neck, part of the first rib, a muscle in my neck, and loads of scar tissue around my brachial plexus (the hub of the branch of nerves that send signals down your arm).  

Since September, recovery from surgery has been underway.  Nerves can take upwards of 6 months to 1 year to heal so the process has been long, slow and gradual.  Yet is has been filled with hope and peace knowing that healing is taking place within my body.  

As I continues to heal (mentally and physically), I proudly dusted off my high heels.  I have been wearing them for the last week every time I step foot out of my house.  Truth be told, I may have to have another surgery for my arm.  And my mental health is still struggling through all the turmoil.  But, in the meantime, I wear my heels to symbolize growth, strength and courage.  I offer this to you:  will you put on your high heels today, step one foot in front of another and smile in the mirror?  Because I know you are filled with hope too.  Because this is not the end but just the beginning.  

"Breaking down doesn't mean I'm broken. Losing hope doesn't mean I'm hopeless.  And maybe all I need is time.  It never happens overnight."  -Healing by Fletcher, the song

Love Note:  With all my heart, I genuinely request that due to the content written, please seek the guidance of professional help should you feel you need it.

Are You Really Just Okay?

Do you ever have profound moments when someone makes a statement and those words stay with you for the rest of your life?  This happens to me as well and today I will share with you one such conversation that changed my perspective on answering simple questions.  

When I was in high school (many moons ago), I had a conversation with my girlfriend and it went something like this:

Friend: "Hi Stacy!  How are you doing today?"

Me: "Hi! I am fine!  How are you?"

Friend:  "Stacy, why does everyone answer that question with 'fine', 'good', 'okay', 'alright'?  And what if instead, we were just real with one another and answered the questions with genuine facts?"  

Me:  "I think its easier to give a one-word answer.  But lets try to be more real with one another going forward.  Lets answer the question with more details."

Friend:  "Okay, so how are you doing today?"

Me:  "I had a rough morning because I missed my alarm and woke up late so I had to rush.  How about you?"

Friend:  "My mom yelled at me so my morning got off to a bad start."

We hugged and went about our day.  

That simple yet profound conversation has stuck with me over the years.  It shines light on simple answers and begs the question "why"?  Or maybe it translates to "no wait, I want more information".  So, I try to be real with the people I love the most and give more details.  

I have come to realize that its important to share with others how we are doing.  Because if we lean into one-word answers, we close the opportunity to share with someone, be there for someone, or have someone love on us the way in which we may need love in that moment.  

Since I have taken it upon myself to give more honest answers, it has also supported my mental healthcare journey.  I know that when I am more open, I am able to get more support.  For example a simple text message conversation with my mother about how I am doing could be "I am fine.  The end".  But rather, I love my mom dearly and she knows me very well.  So with her I answer her questions with more data.  For example, "I am okay today.  I had a rough morning so I took a nap.  I just had a cup of coffee and now I am good".  This allows my mom to be present with me and support me, "Stacy, I am glad you took care of yourself and rested.  I am also glad you are in a better mental state now".  

The flip side to this that my mom, husband and close friends now know when I am, in fact, not okay too.  Because if given a one-word answer they know immediately that I am not in a good head space, that I am not okay or that I do not want to share what is really going on in my world.  And for those who know me and love me, they add support to my one-word answers.  For example, "Mom, I am fine" leads to "Stacy I am here for you if you need me".  Therefore, I have set up a genuine support system for myself.  

So today, I ask you:  How will you answer the questions said or texted to you?  Are you really fine?  Are you just okay?  Or is it a platform for love, genuine support and meaningful conversations?  I for one, know that I love you and I am in life with you.  Advice?  Find the people in your world that you can be real with.  Hold onto those people and lean into them.  And maybe the support system seeds that you planted will grow into flowers of love.  

Love Note:  With all my heart, I genuinely request that due to the content written, please seek the guidance of professional help should you feel you need it.

Smile At Yourself in the Mirror

Admittedly, it has been a while since I last wrote.  But truth be told, I have never stopped believing in the importance of this blog and I never stopped thinking about my followers.  Thank you all for reading my past blogs and I am looking forward to sharing new stories with all of you. 

Let us step back a minute and play catch- up.  In December of 2022, I contracted COVID.  As with many others who had gotten it before me, I became extremely ill.  The virus attacked my central nervous system including both my physical health and my mental well-being.  On the mental health side, the brain fog was overwhelming, the anxiety was restricting, and the depression was haunting.  Physically, I suffered pain in my neck and left shoulder and lost mobility and functionality of my left arm.   

While in quarantine, I was so sick I couldn't even look at myself.  I struggled to get through each moment and my family watched me suffer while trying desperately to keep me alive.  Due to the symptoms I was experiencing, we called 911 and the paramedics came to our house once, my husband took me to the ED once and I requested help taking my own life.  Once.  All thanks to my family, I got through it one moment at a time.  

There was one particular instance that stands out to me.  I was violently vomiting head-first into a trash bag, when I had a revelation (the strong visual representation helps in order to share the profound impact of the moment).  In that very moment, I decided on two things.  First, that white pants are to be worn year around and not just during the summer!  And second, that no matter what emotion I was feeling, every time I looked at myself in the mirror, I would smile at...me.  

The following Christmas, I wore my most favorite pair of white pants.  I still giggle to myself when I see our family photo, remembering my promise and proudly wearing my white pants to Christmas dinner with my family.  And I remembered my commitment to "the smile".  And for one year, every time I looked at myself in the mirror, I smiled.  

To be real with you, I never believed in New Years Resolutions.  Not because I do not believe they are meaningful and not because I feel they are impossible to accomplish.  But for me, sometimes I struggle with the concept of one day or one week let alone comprehending an entire year ahead of me.   One month post-COVID started a new year and for me, it began with purpose and a commitment.  The concept was simple yet powerful:  Every time I look in the mirror, smile at myself.  

Now being January of 2024, I reflect on 2023 and can honestly and proudly confirm that I kept to my commitment of this powerful smile.  And when I tell you it was not easy, I mean it.  There were numerous times when I felt lousy yet I smiled at me.  I would finish brushing my teeth and smile at me.  I would comb through my wavy hair and smile at me.  I would feel totally horrible on the inside and I would still smile at me.  I stopped being able to use my left arm and yet I still smiled at me.  I could not run anymore and my body figure changed and I still smiled at me.  And I did this ritual for an entire year.  

The year of 2023 went by very slowly and very painfully.  Yet, I wore white pants not just in the summer but all year around.  And every time I looked in the mirror, I found within me a smile and I shined it at myself.  I leave you today with a simple thought:  What is meaningful to you and what will you do to implement that powerful meaning into your own life?

I love you all and will write again soon.  

Love Note:  With all my heart, I genuinely request that due to the content written, please seek the guidance of professional help should you feel you need it.