Be A Stiletto In A Room Full of Flats

Have you ever heard of the saying, "you opened a can of worms"?  Well I suppose I did that with my last post about hospitalizations.  I alluded to the fact that I have been inpatient at a psychiatric ward three times.  I also explained that I have gone to the Emergency Department ("ED") two other times.  Yet in my blog, I only discussed my first hospital stay and I have, since that time, been asked to explain my other experiences.


As you are all now aware, my first experience at a psychiatric ward was in college.  However, the second incident took place after suicidal thoughts consumed my mind and my partner took me to the ED.  This particular ED staff made sure I felt safe at home and provided me with resources for a psychiatrist and a psychotherapist.  That afternoon my partner made phone calls and the next day I saw two new doctors who gave me hope for the future.


Four years and ten months later, I had a new job and there was a "zen room" at the office.  For two days, I went to that room and slept on a reclining chair.  By day three, my co-workers went looking for me and found me asleep in the zen room.  I subsequently spent the next week in the hospital with new doctors who changed my medications.  This was precisely when my diagnosis was updated from Major Depression to Bipolar Disorder.  

My third hospitalization was due to unfortunate circumstances at home.  The situation unfolded into ugly events, and my brain could not process how to handle this very tough emotional time.  I was discharged with a much healthier mindset and the ability to cope with the emotional stressors at home.  


Memorial Day weekend of 2020 was beyond a nightmare for my mental health.  At my job, I was reporting the amount of COVID-related deaths per day.  This was precisely when my brain shut down and my medications stopped working.  Before I could take the pills that lurked in the distance, I called my mom from my closet crying and she contacted my husband who took me to the ED.  While staring at the blank white walls, the doctors came up with a home-care plan to keep me safe and change my medications to a new cocktail that would prove to positively change the next four years of my life.  


I explain my story not for sympathy but for understanding.  I write to all of you in grave detail not for pity but for hope.  And I share my past with you because I know a different future lies ahead.  I have grown emotionally and psychologically stronger and wiser over the years.  And above all, I have made a conscious decision to "Be a Stiletto In a Room Full of Flats" and therefore I put my high heels on every day. 

Love Note: With all my heart, I genuinely request that due to the content written, please seek the guidance of professional help should you feel you need it.

Everything Will Fall Into Place

Someone recently asked me a very genuine and real question about my health.  They inquired as to whether or not my mental health was ever the cause of an in-patient hospital stay.  The short answer to their question is "yes".  I have been admitted to a psychiatric ward 3 times and each time I stayed for a minimum of a week.  There were 2 other instances where I went to the Emergency Department and my psychiatrist was contacted immediately, my medications changed, and I was discharged without an in-patient stay.

 
I knew I suffered from depression at a young age.  Yet it was not until college that the depression worsened.  While pursuing my undergraduate degree, I was first admitted to the hospital.  

At the time, I had given my boyfriend two options, "blue or red" because all I wanted to do was sleep and not feel anything.  I knew he was in a dorm room with another girl and there was nothing I could do to change his mind for him to come see me instead.  He texted me back "blue" and I immediately took 4 blue pills.  The next day, he took me to a local hospital where they admitted me to the psychiatric ward for one week.  

Upon discharge from this hospital stay, my University would not let me step foot back onto campus without a doctor's note because I was considered a "potential harm to myself and others".  Therefore, I went home for a week, obtained a note from my new psychiatrist, went back to campus and subsequently lost my on-campus job.  

The following summer I stopped taking all my mental health medications and moved across the country.  Before I moved, my psychiatrist said "you think that by leaving you can run from your depression but that will not work".  And he was most unfortunately right.  

While the circumstances that lead me to the psychiatrists office were based on a response to an unfortunate relationship experience, the illness itself was not situational.  Therefore, when I moved, my mental health disorder moved with me.  And I knew then that this was going to be a long-term battle.  I realized it would be a journey that I could never "run away" from because my health was not situational, but rather it was the condition of the chemical imbalance in my brain.

When I reflect on that young woman from over 20 years ago, it pains me to remember the ugly parts of this illness.  And yet I choose to offer myself forgiveness and grace for all that life has thrown my direction.  I am reminded that sometimes it is best to just take life day by day, hour by hour or even minute by minute.  I know that I will still be okay, that I will make it through each challenge and with my high heels on my feet, everything will fall into place... sometimes it just takes time.  

Love Note: With all my heart, I genuinely request that due to the content written, please seek the guidance of professional help should you feel you need it.

Celebrate Your Strength and Resilience

 

I have a pink infinity symbol tattooed on my right arm with the words "perseverance, resilient, strength".  I got this tattoo about a year ago while dealing with multiple physical and mental health issues.  I was tired of being poked and prodded by doctors and decided I wanted to make a conscious decision to get a tattoo representing all of the challenges I had endured.  


Four years ago, during one of my very dark mental health episodes, my daughter found me in a puddle of tears, in a ball on the floor, on the phone with my mom.  I was in the middle of telling my mom, "I am not okay.  I think there is something wrong with me" when I heard the closet door open and my daughter screamed for my husband.  My husband came running to the closet, scooped me into his arms and put me on our bed.  We called my counselor who sent me immediately to the Emergency Department where I was psychologically evaluated.


At the time, my child was 5 years old.  This was a traumatic situation for all 4 of us (my daughter, my husband, my mother and I).  And it was certainly a circumstance that no 5 year old child should ever have to witness.  


The lurking guilt of my child finding me in one of my worst mental health states has haunted me for years.  And recently, I was ready to process this trauma with my counselor.  It was then that my counselor and I agreed to honor that very moment in time.  We discussed that the events which took place that day have translated into two very hard yet important lessons for my daughter.  First, it offered a platform for my child to understand that Mommy has a mental illness.  And second, it certainly showed that my daughters level of resilience is very high.


13 years ago, I was blessed with one of the most highly regarded psychiatrists in our State as well as an amazing counselor.  They have been a pivotal part of my healing and recovery over the years.  I see my psychiatrist every 3 months, which fluctuates to every 30 days depending upon the necessity of my mental health status.  I also see my counselor like clockwork every 2 weeks, and I am able to securely send her text messages in between visits.  


I will conclude this blog post with a discussion about resilience.  And I hope you know how the ebbs and flows of life help you to be resilient as well.  


They asked her,
"How do you get through tough moments?"

She answered,
"Do not trust the way you see yourself when your mind is turbulent and remember that even pain is temporary. Honor your boundaries, treat yourself gently, let go of perfection, and feel your emotions without letting them control you. You have enough experience to face the storm and evolve from it."

-Young Pueblo on Resilience

Love Note: With all my heart, I genuinely request that due to the content written, please seek the guidance of professional help should you feel you need it.

The Past Present and Future Of Gratefulness

Some days are easier than others. Can most of us relate to that? And on the good days, it might be a little bit easier to have a gratefulness perspective. Whereas other days, the days where we struggle, it can feel a bit troublesome to see the sunshine through all the fog. Yet everyday, I love the woman I was, I am proud of who I am, and I am excited for my future.


Recently, my best friend was checking in to say hello and asked me how life was going in my world. I replied, "It's good. Life is good. Today's perspective is "I am grateful because I can do..." rather than "This feels daunting because...". The change in mentality did not make the day feel any easier but yet the shift in perspective certainly adjusted the potential outcome of how my day unfolded.


I love the quote by Maya Angelou that I included as a picture in this blog post.  The way in which she spoke so gracefully about our past, present and future self is empowering. It allows us to view our lives with such beauty and love.


When I reflect on my life, I look back with heartfelt forgiveness. I do this not because I have to forgive anyone for all that I went through. But instead, when I reflect on how challenging it was to get through various chapters of my life, I forgive the world that surrounded me through all my troubles. I love on myself through an atmosphere of grace because I overcame some of the most trying times in my life.  


When I look to the future, I choose to look at it lovingly.  I look forward to the unknown of what lies ahead and I graciously accept what is yet to come of my life's story.  I am, without a doubt, humbled by my past and still look ahead with hope and excitement!


And finally, I feel that the most important thing we can do is to be grateful in the present moment.  As for me, I am grateful for each precious moment of life.  And I am so blessed to be surrounded by such incredibly amazing people.  And as always, I am grateful to be able to wear my high heels as I share in life with all of you.


Love Note: With all my heart, I genuinely request that due to the content written, please seek the guidance of professional help should you feel you need it.