Everything Will Fall Into Place

Someone recently asked me a very genuine and real question about my health.  They inquired as to whether or not my mental health was ever the cause of an in-patient hospital stay.  The short answer to their question is "yes".  I have been admitted to a psychiatric ward 3 times and each time I stayed for a minimum of a week.  There were 2 other instances where I went to the Emergency Department and my psychiatrist was contacted immediately, my medications changed, and I was discharged without an in-patient stay.

 
I knew I suffered from depression at a young age.  Yet it was not until college that the depression worsened.  While pursuing my undergraduate degree, I was first admitted to the hospital.  

At the time, I had given my boyfriend two options, "blue or red" because all I wanted to do was sleep and not feel anything.  I knew he was in a dorm room with another girl and there was nothing I could do to change his mind for him to come see me instead.  He texted me back "blue" and I immediately took 4 blue pills.  The next day, he took me to a local hospital where they admitted me to the psychiatric ward for one week.  

Upon discharge from this hospital stay, my University would not let me step foot back onto campus without a doctor's note because I was considered a "potential harm to myself and others".  Therefore, I went home for a week, obtained a note from my new psychiatrist, went back to campus and subsequently lost my on-campus job.  

The following summer I stopped taking all my mental health medications and moved across the country.  Before I moved, my psychiatrist said "you think that by leaving you can run from your depression but that will not work".  And he was most unfortunately right.  

While the circumstances that lead me to the psychiatrists office were based on a response to an unfortunate relationship experience, the illness itself was not situational.  Therefore, when I moved, my mental health disorder moved with me.  And I knew then that this was going to be a long-term battle.  I realized it would be a journey that I could never "run away" from because my health was not situational, but rather it was the condition of the chemical imbalance in my brain.

When I reflect on that young woman from over 20 years ago, it pains me to remember the ugly parts of this illness.  And yet I choose to offer myself forgiveness and grace for all that life has thrown my direction.  I am reminded that sometimes it is best to just take life day by day, hour by hour or even minute by minute.  I know that I will still be okay, that I will make it through each challenge and with my high heels on my feet, everything will fall into place... sometimes it just takes time.  

Love Note: With all my heart, I genuinely request that due to the content written, please seek the guidance of professional help should you feel you need it.