Stop Using Inappropriate Apologies

I have personally spent a lot of my life apologizing for situations where I did nothing wrong.  Sometimes the "I am sorry" was the wrong word choice.  Other times the "I apologize" was because I did not wish to create conflict.  However, in both situations I either overused or misused the words.  It has taken me a long time and a lot of un-doing to turn "I'm sorry" into the appropriate use of the terminology.  

I was recently at a restaurant where people passing each other kept apologizing.  Admittedly, it was very busy and there were a lot of people within the confines of a small space.  Yet, most times where someone passed another person, an "I am sorry" flew out of someones mouth and was directed to another person.  My sociology brain began to wonder what word choice could be used instead.  Maybe something as simple as, "excuse me" or "pardon me" could have changed the verbiage of the people passing one another.  And this is when I began to think that the words "I am sorry" are sometimes the wrong word choice.  

For me, I tend to lean away from conflict not because I am shy, but because I would rather create an environment of peace than an atmosphere of resentment.  I realized recently that I apologize for even situations where I did nothing wrong simply to avoid any type of negative response.  If I am criticized, an apology is easily given from me to the other person.  Sometimes I am not even in the wrong yet I try to cultivate calmness within the confines of the conversation.  

Whether right or wrong, good or even bad, I know that I both misuse and overuse apologies.  This is something that I have spent a lot of time becoming aware of and trying desperately to change.  I try to listen to others who blossom in conflicting circumstance without an "I am sorry" but instead with appropriate use of their mature word choices.  I wonder if some of it is confidence in myself and my decisions.  However, I never wonder if high heeled shoes will provide the confidence I need to learn and grow from this change in my daily use of the words "I am sorry".  

Love Note: With all my heart, I genuinely request that due to the content written, please seek the guidance of professional help should you feel you need it.

Growing Up Was Unique

I have a unique upbringing.  I am one of 4 children.  My two older siblings are my half brother and sister.  My father was married and had two kids.  When they got divorced, my parents had my brother and I.  

Growing up in my house was a different type of experience.  My older siblings were with us every Wednesday and every other weekend, while their mother had custody of them all other days.  Yet, when my older siblings were present, my parents always treated and loved us equally.  Also, we were all one family.  This meant that we never referred to each other as "half brother" and "half sister".  Instead, if anyone asked, we were siblings and that was all that mattered.  

It was hard growing up with siblings who were not always present.  I missed my brother and sister when they were not around.  And it took me a long time to realize that my reality was not the same as other kids.  My friends had siblings who lived with them every moment of every day.  

Unique as it may have been, there were many fun summer vacations, holidays, and birthdays spent together.  And to this day, we still make it a point to get our families together twice a year including New Years and August.  We look forward to this time together, and we remain in close contact throughout the year.  

I have mentioned many times that when I put my high heeled shoes on, I remember that I have come a long way in my life's journey.  And as I share this with you, I remember that we each have a unique story to share and that our lives are intertwined versions of these unforgettable stories.  And I, for one, am so glad to have this platform to continue to share my story with all of you. 

Love Note: With all my heart, I genuinely request that due to the content written, please seek the guidance of professional help should you feel you need it.

Painting Seashells

When I was unable to work due to my mental and physical health, I felt lost and empty.  I was not sure how to identify my being in this world without working full time.  Along with job loss came a limited financial cushion.  This meant making changes to the way we did things in our daily lives to accommodate for the lack of income.


One day last summer, I was at Physical Therapy crying to my therapist while she worked on my arm.  I told her we could no longer afford summer camp and that my daughter would be staying home with me.  My Physical Therapist looked in my eyes and said, "Stacy, this is time with your daughter that you will never get back again.  Try to find ways to enjoy each moment you have with her even though this is not the way you saw your world unfolding".  

I spent a lot of last summer beating myself up for not being able to work.  I could not understand why this happened to me and why I got so sick.  I wanted nothing more than to work full time and I kept saying to myself, "I just want my life back".  

But what I did not realize is that I had a different life ahead of me.  I was evolving and becoming a different version of myself.  And this version included taking care of my daughter before and after school and during the summer.  

Together, we spend our days resting and recovering.  She goes to Physical Therapy with me twice each week.  She goes for daily walks with me around the neighborhood to support my physical health.  And she does arts and crafts with me for my mental health.  

My daughter and I paint seashells, do puzzles, read books, watch movies and do paint-by-numbers.  We do healing activities to rest our minds and bodies in preparation for whatever the future may hold.  And once in a while, I treat her to dinner out at a restaurant.  And this is when we both put on our high heels, we both wear smiles on our faces, and we both enjoy time together outside the house.  

Love Note: With all my heart, I genuinely request that due to the content written, please seek the guidance of professional help should you feel you need it.

Releasing Fear To Be Surrounded By Love

This post is a tribute to my dear friend from California who passed away suddenly.  His life and legacy lives on forever in the hearts of so many people.  


When I was 7 years old, my father was diagnosed with prostate cancer.  Initially, they gave him 6 months to live.  Yet, he battled cancer for 15 years as he went in and out of remission.  While he was fighting for his life, he told his story.  He always shared with his colleagues, his customers, his friends and his family the status of his health.  My father earned the love and support of his community through his desire to share his story.  

As his daughter, I was the opposite.  I spent my life hiding behind my fear of sharing my mental illness with anyone.  I told very few people and my story was under lock and key within the confines of my heart.  

Slowly, starting around 30 years old, I began to tell my story.  And I started to share with others what I was going through with my mental health.  I realized something very important.  I decided that I needed to share my story not only for myself but for my husband and daughter as well.  I was not the only person who needed support as I battled this illness, and I wanted to tell others what I was going through so that my whole family could have people surrounding us in love.  

I have spent my life scared.  I was scared that there would be a stigma when I told people about my mental illness.  I was afraid that no one would understand what I was going through.  And I was terrified if they found out, I would have to justify myself and my illness to others.  I let my fear tell me to hide behind closed doors.  

One of my best friends recently gave me Third Eye Chakra Affirmation cards.  And when I read one of the cards, I knew that I had to be true to myself and keep sharing my story.  I had to go beyond the confines of my fears and I needed to blog and share my posts with others.  And today, I end my post with the beauty of the reading in this card:

I see who I am.

I open myself to inner guidance & wisdom. 

Every situation is an opportunity for growth. 

I trust that my highest good is unfolding. 

I am intuitive & aligned.

I am a divine being. 

Everything I need is within me. 

I am aligned with the universe.  

I see clearly & am open to all possibilities.  

I am the source of my truth.  

My vision is clear.  

Love Note: With all my heart, I genuinely request that due to the content written, please seek the guidance of professional help should you feel you need it.

A Warrior Through Manic Episodes

Bipolar disorder can be unpredictably scary because there are two sides to the illness:  depression and mania.  My brain is more likely to resort to depression so I spend more time explaining this part of the illness.  However, I have experienced multiple manic episodes and I will use this platform to share two of my experiences with you.  

 
My first manic episode that I vividly recall was in 2012.  I went to a car dealership to buy a Fiat with no money.  I test drove the car all day and I remember calling to tell my husband, "Good news!  All the groceries fit in the back of the car even though its a small car!"  He responded, "Stacy, what car?  We did not discuss buying a new car!"  My husband made me promise to not buy anything until he arrived at the dealership.  I then recall him handing the keys of the Fiat to the sales person and apologizing to him for the inconvenience.  I cried all the way home not understanding what I had done and why I had done it.  When we arrived home, my husband put me to bed and I woke up in the morning feeling very depressed and confused.  I did not understand why I would attempt to buy a car on a whim, with no financial backing and without the support of my husband.  

My next manic episode was about a year later.  My husband had a debilitating migraine and I took him to the Emergency Department for an evaluation and medication.  We were up all night and when we got home the following morning, he went right to bed.  With no sleep and no desire to rest, I took it upon myself to pierce my own ear.  When my husband woke up from his nap, he shrieked because I had multiple safety pins coming out of my one ear.  I recall him asking what happened and why I would do this to myself and I remember responding, "It is okay.  I disinfected the needles".  He helped take out the safety pins one by one, got me a snack, and put me to bed for the remainder of the day.  I woke up very confused and my ear was throbbing.   

Manic episodes can be very confusing and scary.  They have had me crying, talking so quickly that no one could understand me and coming up with ideas that seem brilliant but yet make no common sense.  For me, I know to avoid strong caffeine, to consult my husband before making large purchases, and that I need a lot of sleep to take care of my mental health.  My brain needs to be well-balanced, well-rested, and my medications need to be taken regularly in order for my brain to function properly.  

And finally, when in doubt, I remember that I am a warrior who has overcome many obstacles.  I have felt at times like I might not make it through the storm yet I have always proved myself wrong.  I have always believed that, with my high heels on, I am more powerful than I think.  

Love Note: With all my heart, I genuinely request that due to the content written, please seek the guidance of professional help should you feel you need it.