We Color The World In Beauty

 

This afternoon I was drinking a cup of coffee contemplating my reality and reflecting on exactly where I am in life right now.  I read stories on social media about friends who are kickin' it at the gym, meditating, listening to their favorite songs on repeat and spending time with their family.  And as I read through these stories and admired what my friends are doing in their lives, I began thinking about where I am right now in my life, too.


As I sat there in silence drinking my most favorite drink, I looked to my right and saw my daughters gallon-size crayon bag sitting on the table.  I thought about the uniqueness of each and every crayon in that huge bag.  Some crayons still had a point.  While other crayons where half their size because these crayons were clearly used and loved in various ways.  

And it was then that it struck me like a lightbulb exploding in my head!  WHAT COLOR CRAYON AM I?  As I fumbled through the bag, I immediately realized that clearly I am Carnation Pink.  This crayon had no tip, the wrapper around the crayon was slightly ripped and it was right at the very top of the bag snuggled next to blue and green.  

"Why did you pick this crayon?" I am so glad you asked!  Pink, for one, is my most favorite color in the entire world.  Its various shades are gorgeous all in their own way and, when used, they color the most beautiful pictures  Yet, my carnation pink crayon has no tip because clearly it has been used a lot.  Sometimes, I feel like the world uses me too in many different ways to help others see the beauty in themselves.  It was a very loved crayon as I am also loved by oh so many people.  And, when I looked at the wrapper surrounding the crayon and the tear, it made me think about my past and all that I have been through.  To me, this symbolized the ups and downs of my life.  

And finally, and arguably the most important of all, carnation pink was right next to two beautiful colors.  The blue to its left is my husbands favorite color and the greens under it are my daughters favorite color.  Clearly, the colors knew I was going to write about them in my blog today, so they situated themselves perfectly to represent my beautiful family!

Today, I ask you the same question that I asked myself, "If you were a crayon, what color would you be and why?"  Maybe you would pick yellow because the sun shines so brightly in your life.  Or you might pick rose red because the flowers of that color represent all the love that surrounds you. 

Not surprisingly, my favorite high heels are my pink pair.  They are a beautiful color, and the height makes me feel proud. They show my confidence as I slip my feet into these lovely shoes.  

I am so thankful for all the different people in my life and all the gorgeous colors that they represent.  I am grateful that each person is unique and one of a kind.  And I am forever happy to be able to share in this colorful life with all of you.  

Love Note: With all my heart, I genuinely request that due to the content written, please seek the guidance of professional help should you feel you need it.

Holding It Together At A Young Age

I was recently asked about my first boyfriend.  He was not my first "guy crush" but he was my first real love.  Unfortunately for me, this story is not that of a happy time in my life.  Yet, I will share this part of my past knowing that I grew wiser and stronger after the relationship ended.  And while this brings up tough memories, I worked very hard to heal.  

I was a young 16 year old when I met him.  I thought he was "cute" so I had a friend introduce us.  Little did I know he was sadly not a nice person.  

I wanted to be loved.  I wanted to be noticed.  I wanted to be "cool".  And more than anything, I wanted attention.  He gave me all those things but he also came with a great deal of baggage.  He processed his past by putting the anger of his childhood on me.  And I dealt with it because I was too scared to leave.  

He was in the military and by the time I graduated high school, I had agreed to be engaged that summer and become his wife.  Yet every part of my soul kept telling me to run in the opposite direction.  Each part of my heart was in despair and I felt pressure to do life his way.  And every bit of my body was screaming, "please get out of this right now".  

I received a partial scholarship to a college 3 hours from home.  He was going to move to Kentucky and I was supposed to move with him.  But my parents would not let me go with him until I received my college education, so I agreed to pursue my bachelors degree.  He came to visit me the fall of my freshman year.  

I felt so manipulated, broken and beaten down.  My college friends noticed, and they took me to the on-campus counselor.  She helped me process his abuse and we agreed I needed to leave him, and college was my only healthy way out.  

The winter of my freshman year, I felt mentally and physically healthy enough to call him and tell him I was done with the relationship.  I told him I did not want him to visit me at school anymore, and I told him I did not want to be his military bride.  His anger through the phone was undeniable but he was being deployed and there was little he could do to hold onto me.  

My dear friends, I tell you this story as part of my deep dark past as a means in which to explain more of how I came to be the woman I am today.  I wear my heels for my 16 year old self knowing that she deserved a healthier first boyfriend.  And I love on who I am today because I have healed so beautifully from the young woman I once was.  And finally, I cannot wait to keep learning about the woman I will become. 

Love Note: With all my heart, I genuinely request that due to the content written, please seek the guidance of professional help should you feel you need it.

Gratefully Annoyed

Amongst my many ailments, I suffer from migraines.  These headaches are beyond awful.  They can be debilitating and extremely painful.  

The pain begins in my lower forehead and creeps behind my eyes.  It then moves up the front of my face, on top of my head, down the back of my head and into my lower neck and shoulders.  It hurts.  

Migraines are not like normal every day headaches.  They come equip with light and sound sensitivity.  And all I ever want is pain relief, a dark room, my body to be warm and my head to be freezing cold.  

I am grateful because we are blessed to have health insurance.  Yet, the insurance company is quick to review my need for migraine medication and slow to approve it.  This last go-around with the insurance company meant that my monthly migraine medicine was a week overdue, and I had a migraine for two days waiting for the prior authorization to be approved in order to get the medicine to ease the pain.  

I am grateful that I have the time right now to make multiple phone calls to the doctors offices, insurance company, and pharmacy.  While not working is financially straining, it certainly gives me extra time to be an advocate for my health.  And it allows me the flexibility to drive an hour away to pick up my medications.  

I am grateful for the pharmacy who processed my medicine.  The customer service person was extremely rude but yet finally offered me an alternative solution to picking up my medicine rather than mailing it.  Mail order would take upwards of 7 days to process and ship it, which was not a feasible option given the circumstances.  

Therefore, I digress because I feel gratefully annoyed.  Annoyed that I had to go through this entire mess of a process to get my prescription in order to have pain relief.  Yet grateful that I have insurance and support from my doctors office to help me process the prior authorization for the medication that I need.  

When I put on my heels, I think about how blessed I am to be supported by wonderful doctors, have access to helpful medicine and have family and friends who loves me through all the trying times.  I was beyond annoyed that I had to go through this process in order to get the help I needed yet, at the end of two long weeks, I am grateful for the help I finally received. 

Love Note: With all my heart, I genuinely request that due to the content written, please seek the guidance of professional help should you feel you need it.

When Mommy Turns Into Mama Bear

In the wild, mama bears fiercely protect their babies.  For me, the “mama bear” in me comes out when someone is being rude to my child.  And the mama bear in me is fierce, too.


When my daughter went into 2nd grade, a little girl started to bully her.  My daughter came home crying or angry every day when I picked her up from school.  I knew she was not okay as she explained that a little girl at school was constantly picking on her and would not leave her alone.


We were called into school for a meeting with her teacher to review “my daughter’s behavior”.  MY daughter’s behavior?  What had MY daughter done wrong amongst the chaos of these circumstances?  The day of the parent/teacher meeting, I put on dress slacks, a blouse, a suit coat and red “power pump” high heel shoes.  I was physically and emotionally prepared for the mama bear to come out in this meeting.


When we arrived at the school, the teacher began to explain the dynamic between the two girls.  She clearly stated the bully’s jealousy for my daughter’s high grades and her bully’s educational decline.  When her teacher said my daughter should “react differently” to this other girls taunting, I sat there quietly confused.  Finally, the teacher was done talking and I was able to chime into the conversation that was, up to that point, very one-sided.


To explain our desire to support our daughter through this situation, I told her teacher that at home we worked on “roll play”.  For example, I pretend to be the mean girl and poke my daughter with a pencil.  My husband talks through how my daughter could react.  For instance, she could ignore the poking, raise her hand and tell the teacher, have a sip of water and take a deep breath.  And while this was seemingly helping my daughter’s reaction to the little girl, it was not solving the big picture of this other child’s attitude towards my daughter.


As the mama bear in me continued to come out, I explained that the girl was punching and pushing my daughter on the playground while she was playing with her friends.  And in the classroom, she was getting poked with a pencil and yelled at by this little girl when my daughter answered a question correctly.


I went on the ask a simple get poignant question.  Where do the girls sit and how close are their desks in proximity to one another?  The teacher slowly walked over to point out that the girls desks sat back to back.  I looked at the teacher and said, “instead of taking this hour to talk to us about how our daughter is reacting to a bully, why didn’t you take this time to change your classroom setup and move the girls desks away from one another?”  The teacher was clearly not pleased with my mama bear problem-solving skills and said “it’s just too much effort and would take too much time for me to move my whole classroom around to accommodate these two girls”.  In turn, I explained that our next step was to speak with the administration and have our daughter moved to a different classroom.


By the following Monday, the girls desks were moved across the classroom from one another.  The playground teachers were notified and on high alert to keep the bully away from my daughter.  And while still clearly distressed, my daughter started coming home with a new sense of calm about her.


"Mama bear" came out loud and clear that day in my daughter’s classroom.  My power pumps gave me confidence to speak up for my daughter and handle the unfortunate situation that had been presented to us.  And I felt proud for sticking up for my daughter who needed a voice beyond her own to handle a girl who was being mean to her.


Love Note: With all my heart, I genuinely request that due to the content written, please seek the guidance of professional help should you feel you need it.