Holding It Together At A Young Age

I was recently asked about my first boyfriend.  He was not my first "guy crush" but he was my first real love.  Unfortunately for me, this story is not that of a happy time in my life.  Yet, I will share this part of my past knowing that I grew wiser and stronger after the relationship ended.  And while this brings up tough memories, I worked very hard to heal.  

I was a young 16 year old when I met him.  I thought he was "cute" so I had a friend introduce us.  Little did I know he was sadly not a nice person.  

I wanted to be loved.  I wanted to be noticed.  I wanted to be "cool".  And more than anything, I wanted attention.  He gave me all those things but he also came with a great deal of baggage.  He processed his past by putting the anger of his childhood on me.  And I dealt with it because I was too scared to leave.  

He was in the military and by the time I graduated high school, I had agreed to be engaged that summer and become his wife.  Yet every part of my soul kept telling me to run in the opposite direction.  Each part of my heart was in despair and I felt pressure to do life his way.  And every bit of my body was screaming, "please get out of this right now".  

I received a partial scholarship to a college 3 hours from home.  He was going to move to Kentucky and I was supposed to move with him.  But my parents would not let me go with him until I received my college education, so I agreed to pursue my bachelors degree.  He came to visit me the fall of my freshman year.  

I felt so manipulated, broken and beaten down.  My college friends noticed, and they took me to the on-campus counselor.  She helped me process his abuse and we agreed I needed to leave him, and college was my only healthy way out.  

The winter of my freshman year, I felt mentally and physically healthy enough to call him and tell him I was done with the relationship.  I told him I did not want him to visit me at school anymore, and I told him I did not want to be his military bride.  His anger through the phone was undeniable but he was being deployed and there was little he could do to hold onto me.  

My dear friends, I tell you this story as part of my deep dark past as a means in which to explain more of how I came to be the woman I am today.  I wear my heels for my 16 year old self knowing that she deserved a healthier first boyfriend.  And I love on who I am today because I have healed so beautifully from the young woman I once was.  And finally, I cannot wait to keep learning about the woman I will become. 

Love Note: With all my heart, I genuinely request that due to the content written, please seek the guidance of professional help should you feel you need it.