Self-Isolation

 

It is not easy to have a mental illness when the bipolar and anxiety tell me to self-isolate.  Maybe that is called self-preservation.  Yet, talking about this makes me feel like I am losing a battle to my brain.  I also know that sometimes it is okay to not be okay.  And it is important to find a safe space to be alone.  

When my brain tells me to be alone, I always try to make sure I am with one "safe" person.  I might be in my bedroom by myself, but I am not in my home alone.  There is a loved one in the house with me even if they are not in the same room as me.  If I absolutely have to be alone, I have a "favorites" list of people on my phone who are close family and friends that I can immediately call if I am starting to feel less-than-okay.  

When I am ready to go out of the house, I find myself trying to find safe places and joyful people to be around.  I might go to lunch with my family, or meet my best friend at the library.  These are my people.  They love me for who I am, and they surround me with their unconditional support.

During times of despair, being alone feels sad and dark.  But when I am not okay, most of the time I find solace in my bed, and I take a nap.  This provides the extra sleep that my mind and body need in order to heal.  

A few days ago, I was in bed all morning while my husband worked from home.  I dragged myself out of bed to walk my dog around the block.  I thought, why not put on a pair of 2 inch heels to walk the dog?  I did this to remind myself that my morning was rough, but my evening was going to be better.  When I got home, ironically I had the biggest blister on my pinky toe!  Welp, I tried.  And sometimes, we still get blisters in our special shoes even with the best of intentions.  

Love Note: With all my heart, I genuinely request that due to the content written, please seek the guidance of professional help should you feel you need it.

Conquering The Darkness

 

Every time I think I am starting to do really well, I feel like life slaps me in the face.  I know that having health issues comes with ups and downs, and it seems that the highs are very bright and the lows are very dark.  This is bipolar disorder and this is my reality.  

While I was in the hospital, I was roughly 3 hours away from getting discharged.  My in-patient psychiatrist and I spoke with my husband to make sure I would be safe when I arrived at home.  We discussed all of my discharge needs as the staff prepared me to leave the hospital.  

Before I left, I looked at my healthcare team and I said:

"Thank you.  Thank you for everything.  I appreciate all your help, support and guidance.  And I am so grateful to be stable and well enough to go home".  

The psychiatrist looked at me with a gentle smile and said:

"While I appreciate and will gladly take the compliment, I want you to also be proud of yourself.  Because you did all the hard work.  We can guide you but you have to put in the effort.  And you did.  We are confident as we prepare to send you home".  

This was a reminder to me that being honest with my husband and telling him, "I am not okay.  I need help" was brave.  This is a reminder to me that putting in the work to get stable is also brave.  And finally, this is a reminder to me that even when my brain becomes dark, my confidence in my ability to heal is very brave.  

I believe that we will all face very hard times in life.  Some of these times may be very difficult.  But having the courage to ask for help and being able to conquer the darkness is something to be very proud of.  And as I slide my feet in my high heels, I am reminded of how brave I truly am.  

Love Note: With all my heart, I genuinely request that due to the content written, please seek the guidance of professional help should you feel you need it.