You Are Not Broken

We were on our way to my aunts house listening to the radio. On one of the stations there was a live recording of an Imagine Dragons concert. I never paid much mind to the band until that car ride when I listened to the lead singer share his story.


He was apparently diagnosed with depression in middle school. And he went through a ton of obstacles to get to where he is now. While a lot of what he said struck me as thoughts I could relate to there was one moment where he spoke that I was totally taken aback by his words.


He stated “you may have a mental illness yourself but remember this: you are not broken”. And that statement has stuck with me since I heard him say it almost a year ago.


At first I found the statement to be so poetic and oh how true! But over the course of this year it keeps coming back to me in waves. Am I broken? Do I let my illness define me? What about the days when I just can’t get out of bed? Has the illness won on those days?


I suffer from migraines and two days ago I just could not get out of bed. I was depressed, overwhelmed and sick. I literally slept until 3pm. Does the illness define me if I take off work because of it?


Every single day of my life for the past 9 years I have been on Bipolar medications. I take a hearty cocktail of 4 medications in the morning and 3 pills at night. While this has seemingly worked for me and yes I am very closely monitored by doctors, does the illness define me because of all the pills I take just to keep it at bay?


Every other Saturday I leave my family for upwards of 3 hours to make the drive up north to talk to my precious (and I don’t mean that lightly- she is amazing to me in so many ways) therapist. We knew when we moved that we would live further but that I would continue to see her. Does this sacrifice of my weekends define me and the decisions I have made to be as healthy as I can be?


As I lay in bed tonight and I worry about my little angel in the other room who has been coughing for 3 weeks now, I am just so moved by this thought of “brokenness”. What exactly does it mean to define yourself as being broken and does an illness break you?


I personally, and you of course can take it with a grain of salt, suggest that quite frankly I believe that I am not broken and I have chosen to not let my illness define who I am and the woman I will become. Yes, I do suffer from an illness. And yes I do battle the hell out of it on a regular basis. But does it define me? No. It does not.


And therefore I would suggest that I, “Moody Mom” am not broken. And to take it a step further I have chosen to fight and therefore I will not let my illness break me.


And when we all put on our high heels, I hope we are reminded of that simple fact. Are we ill? Maybe. Are we struggling? Maybe. But are we broken? Absolutely not.


We put on our heels because we know that while each day may be a battle, it is in fact a battle we have chosen to fight. No we did not choose the illness but darn it if we can’t choose to put on our heels and walk through each day taking each step in stride.


You are not broken my friends. And you are oh so loved. So put on your high heels with me. Let’s do this together.

Love Note:  With all my heart, I genuinely request that due to the content written, please seek the guidance of professional help should you feel you need it.

A Cup Of Tea for the Soul

It was recently brought to my attention that I blog about the various “large” events that are happening in my life but I fail to discuss my daily activities.  The day to day grind of life is where it all happens, right?  The ins and outs of each moment and how to live with Bipolar Disorder on a regular basis. 

My days all start with getting ready for work, making my breakfast and lunch for the day and then the most important part of my day is…of course picking out which high heels I am going to wear!  I drive the half hour commute to work and then I have myself a nice yummy cup of coffee (just don’t tell my GI doctor or my husband please).  And to wrap up my morning, I have two lovely cups of tea. 

A long time ago, my therapist told me that I should have a cup of tea every evening with my husband.  She said that it would help us to communicate and enjoy a glass of something yummy together.  Since we never implemented this into our evening routine, I decided to start to do this at work.  As I ramp up my work day, I enjoy a nice cup of tea to calm my stomach and help me get ready for the day ahead. 

I work 8:30am to 5:00pm.  Sometimes I get there earlier (not often) and sometimes I stay later (not too often either).  I pick up my daughter on my way home from work and we meet my husband at home.  We relax and unwind and by unwind, I mean we make dinner and my daughter gets a bath or a shower.  By 8:30pm lights are out for my (almost) 5-year-old and she is snuggled into bed. 

Then, it is me time.  I get dressed into my workout clothes and I go into the finished part of my basement where I stretch and then walk or run for 30 minutes to an hour.  As I work out I look at the new sign my husband added to the basement “seek discomfort”. 

About a month ago, my therapist said, “Find something for you to do for yourself or I will call your psychiatrist and we will have to increase your medicine”.  No joke, that was a wake-up call.  So I got back on the treadmill and have been at it ever since.  Then I shower and do my hair and I get ready for bed. 

So my beloved friends, that is a day in my life.  It is simple and to the point.  Simplistic but it can be very stressful (pending work of course).  And I love it.  Every moment of it.  But each moment is not easy and some days are terrible.  But the good ones, wow are they good.  And I am grateful for each day I have.    

Love Note:  With all my heart, I genuinely request that due to the content written, please seek the guidance of professional help should you feel you need it.

The Support Squad

Last Monday at 11:55pm, I laid in bed with bad thoughts racing through my mind.  I told myself I would wait until midnight to wake up my husband before taking myself to the Emergency Department for help and safety.  I could not wait any longer so at 11:57pm, I woke him up.  I said, “I need you to wake up because I am 3 minutes away from taking myself to get professional help at the hospital”.  So with that, he rolled over and turned the light on.

We talked until 3am at which point, we turned the lights off and both tried to get a little bit of sleep.  The next day we both dragged ourselves to work knowing full well that it was going to be a very long day.  But we both did it because we would rather be at work than at a hospital. 

I would be lying to you if I told you this was the first time this happened.  But I can tell you that I am still here to write about it today because of the people in my life who have gotten me through the worst times.  So who is my Support Squad you may ask?  It is the different people that the universe puts into my life to help me get through each episode.    

So for me, it is first and foremost my husband.  When I tell you we have been to hell and back, I mean it.

It is also my mom who drove 85 mph in a 25mph zone just to make sure she could get home in time so I didn’t take the pills I had in my hand. 

It is my friend who walked with me for miles around my development just to better understand what it meant for me to have Bipolar Disorder. 

It is my brother who lived with me for a month when I could not get myself out of bed every day. 

It is my therapist who sees me every other week… for 9 years now. 

It is my psychiatrist who listens to my stories and prescribes me the right cocktail of medicine to help me battle this horrible illness. 

It is the doctors and nurses at the hospitals I have been to for weekly stays (much to my dismay) who have given me hope to go back home and try all over again to live with this illness. 

It is my girlfriend who said, “Stacy, here is the blog platform…now write.  Share your story.” 

My list of people in my Support Squad goes on and on.  Does yours?  

At about 11:50am on the evening I mentioned above, my brain was deep in a dark hole and suddenly, one may say out of nowhere, I caught a glimpse of my daughter’s high school graduation.  I saw her walking across that stage to get her diploma and looking at me in the audience and smiling.  And this is why I did not wait until midnight to wake up my husband.  I knew if I waited, I may not see that special moment in my daughter’s life, say 12 years from now. 

 

Having the right people in your corner is vital to getting through the worst of life’s battles.  And for me, it is everything.  Who are you blessed with in your world?  I pray today that the universe gives you people along your path of life who are your very own Support Squad. 

 

 Love Note:  With all my heart, I genuinely request that due to the content written, please seek the guidance of professional help should you feel you need it.