Smile At Yourself in the Mirror

Admittedly, it has been a while since I last wrote.  But truth be told, I have never stopped believing in the importance of this blog and I never stopped thinking about my followers.  Thank you all for reading my past blogs and I am looking forward to sharing new stories with all of you. 

Let us step back a minute and play catch- up.  In December of 2022, I contracted COVID.  As with many others who had gotten it before me, I became extremely ill.  The virus attacked my central nervous system including both my physical health and my mental well-being.  On the mental health side, the brain fog was overwhelming, the anxiety was restricting, and the depression was haunting.  Physically, I suffered pain in my neck and left shoulder and lost mobility and functionality of my left arm.   

While in quarantine, I was so sick I couldn't even look at myself.  I struggled to get through each moment and my family watched me suffer while trying desperately to keep me alive.  Due to the symptoms I was experiencing, we called 911 and the paramedics came to our house once, my husband took me to the ED once and I requested help taking my own life.  Once.  All thanks to my family, I got through it one moment at a time.  

There was one particular instance that stands out to me.  I was violently vomiting head-first into a trash bag, when I had a revelation (the strong visual representation helps in order to share the profound impact of the moment).  In that very moment, I decided on two things.  First, that white pants are to be worn year around and not just during the summer!  And second, that no matter what emotion I was feeling, every time I looked at myself in the mirror, I would smile at...me.  

The following Christmas, I wore my most favorite pair of white pants.  I still giggle to myself when I see our family photo, remembering my promise and proudly wearing my white pants to Christmas dinner with my family.  And I remembered my commitment to "the smile".  And for one year, every time I looked at myself in the mirror, I smiled.  

To be real with you, I never believed in New Years Resolutions.  Not because I do not believe they are meaningful and not because I feel they are impossible to accomplish.  But for me, sometimes I struggle with the concept of one day or one week let alone comprehending an entire year ahead of me.   One month post-COVID started a new year and for me, it began with purpose and a commitment.  The concept was simple yet powerful:  Every time I look in the mirror, smile at myself.  

Now being January of 2024, I reflect on 2023 and can honestly and proudly confirm that I kept to my commitment of this powerful smile.  And when I tell you it was not easy, I mean it.  There were numerous times when I felt lousy yet I smiled at me.  I would finish brushing my teeth and smile at me.  I would comb through my wavy hair and smile at me.  I would feel totally horrible on the inside and I would still smile at me.  I stopped being able to use my left arm and yet I still smiled at me.  I could not run anymore and my body figure changed and I still smiled at me.  And I did this ritual for an entire year.  

The year of 2023 went by very slowly and very painfully.  Yet, I wore white pants not just in the summer but all year around.  And every time I looked in the mirror, I found within me a smile and I shined it at myself.  I leave you today with a simple thought:  What is meaningful to you and what will you do to implement that powerful meaning into your own life?

I love you all and will write again soon.  

Love Note:  With all my heart, I genuinely request that due to the content written, please seek the guidance of professional help should you feel you need it.

A New Meaning for "Rock Bottom"

 This summer has brought a whole new meaning to the term “rock bottom”. So when people say they have “hit rock bottom and there’s no where to go except up”, I feel a certain way about the phrase.

This summer started off with a bang. And by bang I don’t mean the beach or a pool.  No, this summer started with me... under my covers in bed... sleeping all day long (literally all day)...completely and undoubtedly depressed. My summer started at the emergency department with a psychiatric evaluation.


Basically the medication cocktail that I was on for 8 years decided it did not want to work anymore. And I literally could. not. function. My doctors decided it was best for me to go on FMLA which, as you know, secures your job but not your finances. My company did not automatically enroll it’s employees into short term nor long term disability. No, instead you had to go through a medical screening process to be eligible to receive disability. Therefore, we were on a single income (my husbands only) and I was on FMLA fighting to keep my job for when I was well enough to work again.


So, that’s where it all started. I saw my psychiatrist every other week with phones calls twice a week and I saw my therapist two to three times a week. And we started the journey of medication trial and error.


The first new medication we tried make me dizzy and gave me constant vertigo. So, not an option. The second one greeted me with a huge rash under my both my arms. So, not an option. And the third one made me nauseous and vomit regularly (which I will tell you more about later).


My second trip to the emergency department was from all the nausea and vomiting. I was not keeping anything down at all. At this visit they did a CT scan of my mid section and found a golf ball size cyst in my pancreas.


So I discussed this with my psychiatrist and, rightfully so, he sent me to a gastroenterologist to see what was going on. I had an endoscopy done with biopsies of my stomach and small intestine. And two weeks later we found no irregularities in the biopsies and they found nothing other than a swollen stomach during the endoscopy itself.


And then I saw the surgeon. He recommended removing the cyst which meant major robotic surgery. He wanted to take half the pancreas and the whole spleen in order to get all the cyst out of my body. So we scheduled the surgery for September 22nd.


In the meantime both the gastroenterologist as well as the surgeon agreed that even if they remove the cyst the nausea and vomiting may not subside. So, back to the drawing board again.


In the meantime I was prescribed three different stomach medications; one was for stomach cramping, one was for stomach burning and one was to stop vomiting and nausea.


However, apparently the bipolar medications did not play well in the sandbox together with the stomach medications. Therefore after taking the stomach meds three times daily for four days, I found out the hard way that I would have an adverse reaction to the medications. Four days later I woke up with uncontrollable movement in my head, neck, cheeks, mouth, tongue, arms and hands. My speech was slow and slurred and I had no control over the constant, rapid movements. I was put on a large dose of Benadryl for two days, three times daily to end the involuntary movements.


So that put an abrupt end to my stomach relief medication program. However, my psychiatrist was determined to help me and figure out what was wrong. So we dropped medication number # 3 and within a day the nausea and vomiting (for the most part) subsided.


Surgery is still lingering over my head and I have half a mind to cancel it. Oh and if I do not get the surgery done I will have to go back to work on September 20th if I want to keep my job.



I woke up yesterday morning with, what felt like strep throat. And tonight I not only have a sore throat but I also have a headache, post nasal drip and every single joint and muscle in my body is aching. So you know what that means? It means that tomorrow I am getting a second Covid test (the first Covid test I did a month earlier since I was not progressing quickly enough with my medications that the doctors thought it best that I got tested... that one came back negative).


Oh and I do not think I mentioned the fact that since I was constantly nauseous and vomiting for 4 weeks, I lost over 30 pounds.. in 4 weeks.


In the meantime, my daughter inadvertently matured way beyond her years this summer because we decided to not hide my illnesses from her. And my husband has been so stressed out he doesn’t know whether he is coming or going... while still working full time to bring income to our family.


Speaking of income we haven’t seen a paycheck from my job since June and our savings is now completely depleted just to pay the bills and put food on our tables. If I don’t get back to work soon, we will be up a  creek without a paddle, as the saying goes. So what’s next? Our house? The few precious possessions that we have? Are we to sell them just to get by?


So, this is my “rock bottom”. And quite frankly I am still in the midst of it all. My counselor says to me all the time, “you are a rock star, I am so proud of you”. And my mom says that my constant battling through all this gives her strength (even though I do complain a lot about being sick, she still seems to think I am a strong woman). And it is possible that both women are correct in their own ways. And it is also possible that they see something special in me even during the darkest moments of my life.


Is there light at the end of the tunnel for me? I truly pray that there is. And honestly it’s through the strength of other people that I am feeling my way through such a messy time in my life.


So sometimes when we can’t see the light, we have to rely on others to share their candle with us... to collaborate with us in order for us to be able to see to navigate through the darkness. So, soon enough I will put my high heels back on again and it will feel oh so good to be back on my feet.

Love Note:  With all my heart, I genuinely request that due to the content written, please seek the guidance of professional help should you feel you need it.

“Above All, Never Let Them See You Cry”

Every time I cry, I get a really bad headache.  This is true no matter how much or how little I cry.  And recently, I had a nice hour-long cry… in my office at work… by myself.  While I was crying, I texted one my best friends and she stated, “above all, never let them see you cry” and “them” in this story were her boss and mine. 

All was going well with my life and my job and then the Coronavirus slowly, gradually and eventually very strongly hit my state.  Because I work in healthcare and my data supports a hospital, it was very important for me to be on the COVID-19 planning team. 

So one day I was doing my normal day to day job and the next day I was on the COVID-19 hospital planning team.  The team consisted of my boss, my co-worker from another team, and myself.  And guess who received the lead position on the project via my boss…my co-worker!  

The stress of the project was really getting to me and apparently the pressure was getting to my boss.  We started butting heads on everything and the more we did not see eye to eye, the more upset I got.  I rapidly got on a (as my friend would call it), “struggle bus of emotions”.  I was angry and depressed, and I was not hiding it very well. 

One day I completely mentally broke and left work early and went home for the rest of the day.  I told my boss I could no longer be at work and drove home to my partner calculating our finances to see if we could afford for me to quit my job. 

The next day I went back to work and my boss would not look at me let alone talk to me.  He called me into his office around lunch time to “have a friendly chat about what has been going on”.  So I told him I was struggling at work and I was really stressed out.  He listened but I do not think he was hearing me.  He was glazed over and wanted his turn to talk.  And when he finally talked, he ripped me apart. 

My boss told me that everyone was stressed out right now so my stress levels were minimal in comparison.  He told me that my attitude was lousy and that it was bringing down the whole team. And he talked about my work saying that my analytical skills were not up to par at all and that there was no road map for our job and I cannot, in his opinion, do my work well without it being completely mapped out. 

And this is when I went into my office, closed my door and cried for an hour.  I cried for the depression I was feeling and the anger that was haunting me.  I cried for myself and how far I had come at this job only to be told that I was not performing well enough.  And I cried for my family that I had moved forty-five minutes further south from the people we loved for this job opportunity. 

The next day was like a hangover from the day before.  It was Friday and I had a 1:1 with my boss.  So I flat out asked him if he wanted me to stay on his team or not.  And he said I was not a great fit and he would support me if I looked elsewhere in the company for another job. 

That weekend, I worked on my resume.  I was furious at this point and ready to move on to the next job.  I was determined to show my boss I did not need him and that I did not need this company that he worked for in order to be successful. 

To be honest, it took until Thursday of the following week for me to come to terms with all that happened to me and for me to see the situation differently.  Due to the Coronavirus, I had made friends with people in the front line.  I had befriended people on the nursing staff in the hospital. 

And on Thursday morning, I received a phone call from one of my nursing friends.  She was terribly sad because she had lost an Intensive Care Unit patient to the Coronavirus.  She had been with this patient for weeks trying to save his life and in the end the virus took his life.  And it was in this sad moment that I felt a sense of peace, awakening and new hope from within my soul.  After I hung up the phone with her, I looked down and I had my high heels on.  And I knew what I had to do. 

You see, I had gotten into healthcare in the first place because my father died of cancer many years ago.  I wanted to help the same people who helped me and my family when we were in need of assistance.  So, at 4pm I walked into my bosses office and I asked him to listen to me.  I requested him to have an open mind and to hear me out. 

At 4pm on a Thursday in late April, I told my boss I had bipolar disorder.  I told him I was medicated and that I was going to counseling.  I told him that I had ups and downs, that I had highs and lows, and that some days are better than others.  And I also told him that I wanted to keep my job and work for him.  I told him about all my strengths and I talked through some of my weaknesses.  And when I was done talking, I asked him to be mindful of his words and how he was going to handle all the new information that he now had. 

My boss thanked me for telling him and he made a few suggestions about how to handle my workload.  He and I agreed that I needed to work on my weaknesses and that we could continue to support my strengths in the projects that I was working on and the ones I would work on in the future.  An hour later, I walked away from the conversion with my job back on track again.  I walked out of his office and down the hall in my high heels back to my office with a smile on my face and peace in my heart.

No day has been perfect since then, but the morale of the team has been lifted.  My boss seems happier and I am much more content with myself, my life and my job.  This is no Cinderella story although she is my favorite Disney character.  But it is a story of hope and strength.  And speaking of strength, I want to end this post with a poem:   

You Are Strong

Maybe you don’t see it.

Maybe you don’t feel it.

Maybe you don’t hear it.

But you are strong.

When you look at your day and it seems

daunting, overwhelming, and

impossible, and yet you get up and fight

you are igniting the strength, the raw

amazing strength, within you.

Strength isn’t found in perfection.

It is found in the moments, the

minutes, and the seconds where you

give and believe and try and laugh and cry

and be the person you are meant to be. 

Love Note:  With all my heart, I genuinely request that due to the content written, please seek the guidance of professional help should you feel you need it.