An External Perspective

 

I am quick to be hard on myself and slow to offer myself grace.  I am quick to doubt myself and slow to be confident in my decisions.  I am quick to jump to negativity and slow to lean into positivity.  

Unfortunately, I do not readily allow myself to face the chaos that life tends to throw in my direction.  And I certainly do not offer myself any compassion when life does not go my way.  Rather than going with the flow of life, I try to control everything. 

It is easy for me to get wrapped up in what I am not doing and hard for me to see all the things that I am accomplishing.  Yet, when I recognize these unhealthy patterns, I am able to find hope to work through them.  And therefore, I am more gentle on myself as I relate to my own progress.  

When I look inward and see doubt, I am robbing myself of the hard work that I am actually doing to guide myself and my family through each day.  I am not allowing myself to see the beauty in my life, even through all the commotion.  Instead, I am leaning into all my failures and away from all the progress.  

However, in the midst of these thoughts, I am gently reminded that there just might be someone on the outside looking at my life from a very different perspective.  They see how hard I am working through my challenges, and they are admiring my perseverance.  While I am sometimes suffocating within the confines of my surroundings, someone else is quite possibly looking in on my life wondering how I am successfully doing it all.  

I wear high heels with a purpose since they are a gentle reminder that I am perfect, beautiful and special in my own ways.  When I slide my feet into my special shoes, I move forward with a perspective that a voice inside me feels doubtful but my high heels prove differently.  They show me that I exhibit confidence as I strive to stride gracefully through life.  

Love Note: With all my heart, I genuinely request that due to the content written, please seek the guidance of professional help should you feel you need it.

Hospitalized To Become Stable Again

I know it’s been a while since I last wrote.  Truth be told, I have been really sick.  My psychiatrist and I needed to change my medications because my anxiety was worsening.  However, negative side effects of the new medications far outweighed the ability for the medication to help me.  Therefore, we needed to stop them immediately.  

Unfortunately, there became a huge chemical imbalance in my brain which lead to serious physical ramifications.  For more than 2 weeks, I lived with anxiety attacks that lasted anywhere from 30 minutes to 3 hours.  During which, I experienced severe heart palpitations that made it hard to catch my breath.  Included in this nightmare was non-stop extreme nausea, sleep deprivation and exhaustion.  Due to all the physical symptoms, the depression heightened and the tears felt like they would never end.  

The depression turned into unmanageable dark thoughts and after 2 Emergency Department visits, I was hospitalized.  It took 8 days to stabilize me such that I could be sent home.  In the hospital, they adjusted my medications which began my very slow road to recovery.  

In the hospital, I wrote a poem:

Floor 7 North
I am not alone.
The other patients have become my friends.
We heal together.
We talk in group sessions.

We walk the halls to remain active.  
We share our stories.
We have nurses and doctors.
All the staff takes care of us.
Sometimes we listen to music.
We are the psychiatric unit.
To those we love, we are family members and friends.  

We are sick but we are people, too.  
Our illnesses do not define us.

I spent 8 days in 7 North.  I got help.  I started healing.  I went home with hope.  I remain resilient and encouraged.


Outside of the hospital I have felt dazed and confused.  I feel lightheaded.  I still cry a lot.  However, the doctor said it would take 2-3 weeks for the medications to take full effect.  I am glad to be alive, stable and home.

Today, I went to the grocery store.  I wore my high heels.  I felt pretty and confident.  I am reminded that I persevere through hard times.  

Love Note: With all my heart, I genuinely request that due to the content written, please seek the guidance of professional help should you feel you need it.