Are You Really Just Okay?

Do you ever have profound moments when someone makes a statement and those words stay with you for the rest of your life?  This happens to me as well and today I will share with you one such conversation that changed my perspective on answering simple questions.  

When I was in high school (many moons ago), I had a conversation with my girlfriend and it went something like this:

Friend: "Hi Stacy!  How are you doing today?"

Me: "Hi! I am fine!  How are you?"

Friend:  "Stacy, why does everyone answer that question with 'fine', 'good', 'okay', 'alright'?  And what if instead, we were just real with one another and answered the questions with genuine facts?"  

Me:  "I think its easier to give a one-word answer.  But lets try to be more real with one another going forward.  Lets answer the question with more details."

Friend:  "Okay, so how are you doing today?"

Me:  "I had a rough morning because I missed my alarm and woke up late so I had to rush.  How about you?"

Friend:  "My mom yelled at me so my morning got off to a bad start."

We hugged and went about our day.  

That simple yet profound conversation has stuck with me over the years.  It shines light on simple answers and begs the question "why"?  Or maybe it translates to "no wait, I want more information".  So, I try to be real with the people I love the most and give more details.  

I have come to realize that its important to share with others how we are doing.  Because if we lean into one-word answers, we close the opportunity to share with someone, be there for someone, or have someone love on us the way in which we may need love in that moment.  

Since I have taken it upon myself to give more honest answers, it has also supported my mental healthcare journey.  I know that when I am more open, I am able to get more support.  For example a simple text message conversation with my mother about how I am doing could be "I am fine.  The end".  But rather, I love my mom dearly and she knows me very well.  So with her I answer her questions with more data.  For example, "I am okay today.  I had a rough morning so I took a nap.  I just had a cup of coffee and now I am good".  This allows my mom to be present with me and support me, "Stacy, I am glad you took care of yourself and rested.  I am also glad you are in a better mental state now".  

The flip side to this that my mom, husband and close friends now know when I am, in fact, not okay too.  Because if given a one-word answer they know immediately that I am not in a good head space, that I am not okay or that I do not want to share what is really going on in my world.  And for those who know me and love me, they add support to my one-word answers.  For example, "Mom, I am fine" leads to "Stacy I am here for you if you need me".  Therefore, I have set up a genuine support system for myself.  

So today, I ask you:  How will you answer the questions said or texted to you?  Are you really fine?  Are you just okay?  Or is it a platform for love, genuine support and meaningful conversations?  I for one, know that I love you and I am in life with you.  Advice?  Find the people in your world that you can be real with.  Hold onto those people and lean into them.  And maybe the support system seeds that you planted will grow into flowers of love.  

Love Note:  With all my heart, I genuinely request that due to the content written, please seek the guidance of professional help should you feel you need it.

Smile At Yourself in the Mirror

Admittedly, it has been a while since I last wrote.  But truth be told, I have never stopped believing in the importance of this blog and I never stopped thinking about my followers.  Thank you all for reading my past blogs and I am looking forward to sharing new stories with all of you. 

Let us step back a minute and play catch- up.  In December of 2022, I contracted COVID.  As with many others who had gotten it before me, I became extremely ill.  The virus attacked my central nervous system including both my physical health and my mental well-being.  On the mental health side, the brain fog was overwhelming, the anxiety was restricting, and the depression was haunting.  Physically, I suffered pain in my neck and left shoulder and lost mobility and functionality of my left arm.   

While in quarantine, I was so sick I couldn't even look at myself.  I struggled to get through each moment and my family watched me suffer while trying desperately to keep me alive.  Due to the symptoms I was experiencing, we called 911 and the paramedics came to our house once, my husband took me to the ED once and I requested help taking my own life.  Once.  All thanks to my family, I got through it one moment at a time.  

There was one particular instance that stands out to me.  I was violently vomiting head-first into a trash bag, when I had a revelation (the strong visual representation helps in order to share the profound impact of the moment).  In that very moment, I decided on two things.  First, that white pants are to be worn year around and not just during the summer!  And second, that no matter what emotion I was feeling, every time I looked at myself in the mirror, I would smile at...me.  

The following Christmas, I wore my most favorite pair of white pants.  I still giggle to myself when I see our family photo, remembering my promise and proudly wearing my white pants to Christmas dinner with my family.  And I remembered my commitment to "the smile".  And for one year, every time I looked at myself in the mirror, I smiled.  

To be real with you, I never believed in New Years Resolutions.  Not because I do not believe they are meaningful and not because I feel they are impossible to accomplish.  But for me, sometimes I struggle with the concept of one day or one week let alone comprehending an entire year ahead of me.   One month post-COVID started a new year and for me, it began with purpose and a commitment.  The concept was simple yet powerful:  Every time I look in the mirror, smile at myself.  

Now being January of 2024, I reflect on 2023 and can honestly and proudly confirm that I kept to my commitment of this powerful smile.  And when I tell you it was not easy, I mean it.  There were numerous times when I felt lousy yet I smiled at me.  I would finish brushing my teeth and smile at me.  I would comb through my wavy hair and smile at me.  I would feel totally horrible on the inside and I would still smile at me.  I stopped being able to use my left arm and yet I still smiled at me.  I could not run anymore and my body figure changed and I still smiled at me.  And I did this ritual for an entire year.  

The year of 2023 went by very slowly and very painfully.  Yet, I wore white pants not just in the summer but all year around.  And every time I looked in the mirror, I found within me a smile and I shined it at myself.  I leave you today with a simple thought:  What is meaningful to you and what will you do to implement that powerful meaning into your own life?

I love you all and will write again soon.  

Love Note:  With all my heart, I genuinely request that due to the content written, please seek the guidance of professional help should you feel you need it.

A New Meaning for "Rock Bottom"

 This summer has brought a whole new meaning to the term “rock bottom”. So when people say they have “hit rock bottom and there’s no where to go except up”, I feel a certain way about the phrase.

This summer started off with a bang. And by bang I don’t mean the beach or a pool.  No, this summer started with me... under my covers in bed... sleeping all day long (literally all day)...completely and undoubtedly depressed. My summer started at the emergency department with a psychiatric evaluation.


Basically the medication cocktail that I was on for 8 years decided it did not want to work anymore. And I literally could. not. function. My doctors decided it was best for me to go on FMLA which, as you know, secures your job but not your finances. My company did not automatically enroll it’s employees into short term nor long term disability. No, instead you had to go through a medical screening process to be eligible to receive disability. Therefore, we were on a single income (my husbands only) and I was on FMLA fighting to keep my job for when I was well enough to work again.


So, that’s where it all started. I saw my psychiatrist every other week with phones calls twice a week and I saw my therapist two to three times a week. And we started the journey of medication trial and error.


The first new medication we tried make me dizzy and gave me constant vertigo. So, not an option. The second one greeted me with a huge rash under my both my arms. So, not an option. And the third one made me nauseous and vomit regularly (which I will tell you more about later).


My second trip to the emergency department was from all the nausea and vomiting. I was not keeping anything down at all. At this visit they did a CT scan of my mid section and found a golf ball size cyst in my pancreas.


So I discussed this with my psychiatrist and, rightfully so, he sent me to a gastroenterologist to see what was going on. I had an endoscopy done with biopsies of my stomach and small intestine. And two weeks later we found no irregularities in the biopsies and they found nothing other than a swollen stomach during the endoscopy itself.


And then I saw the surgeon. He recommended removing the cyst which meant major robotic surgery. He wanted to take half the pancreas and the whole spleen in order to get all the cyst out of my body. So we scheduled the surgery for September 22nd.


In the meantime both the gastroenterologist as well as the surgeon agreed that even if they remove the cyst the nausea and vomiting may not subside. So, back to the drawing board again.


In the meantime I was prescribed three different stomach medications; one was for stomach cramping, one was for stomach burning and one was to stop vomiting and nausea.


However, apparently the bipolar medications did not play well in the sandbox together with the stomach medications. Therefore after taking the stomach meds three times daily for four days, I found out the hard way that I would have an adverse reaction to the medications. Four days later I woke up with uncontrollable movement in my head, neck, cheeks, mouth, tongue, arms and hands. My speech was slow and slurred and I had no control over the constant, rapid movements. I was put on a large dose of Benadryl for two days, three times daily to end the involuntary movements.


So that put an abrupt end to my stomach relief medication program. However, my psychiatrist was determined to help me and figure out what was wrong. So we dropped medication number # 3 and within a day the nausea and vomiting (for the most part) subsided.


Surgery is still lingering over my head and I have half a mind to cancel it. Oh and if I do not get the surgery done I will have to go back to work on September 20th if I want to keep my job.



I woke up yesterday morning with, what felt like strep throat. And tonight I not only have a sore throat but I also have a headache, post nasal drip and every single joint and muscle in my body is aching. So you know what that means? It means that tomorrow I am getting a second Covid test (the first Covid test I did a month earlier since I was not progressing quickly enough with my medications that the doctors thought it best that I got tested... that one came back negative).


Oh and I do not think I mentioned the fact that since I was constantly nauseous and vomiting for 4 weeks, I lost over 30 pounds.. in 4 weeks.


In the meantime, my daughter inadvertently matured way beyond her years this summer because we decided to not hide my illnesses from her. And my husband has been so stressed out he doesn’t know whether he is coming or going... while still working full time to bring income to our family.


Speaking of income we haven’t seen a paycheck from my job since June and our savings is now completely depleted just to pay the bills and put food on our tables. If I don’t get back to work soon, we will be up a  creek without a paddle, as the saying goes. So what’s next? Our house? The few precious possessions that we have? Are we to sell them just to get by?


So, this is my “rock bottom”. And quite frankly I am still in the midst of it all. My counselor says to me all the time, “you are a rock star, I am so proud of you”. And my mom says that my constant battling through all this gives her strength (even though I do complain a lot about being sick, she still seems to think I am a strong woman). And it is possible that both women are correct in their own ways. And it is also possible that they see something special in me even during the darkest moments of my life.


Is there light at the end of the tunnel for me? I truly pray that there is. And honestly it’s through the strength of other people that I am feeling my way through such a messy time in my life.


So sometimes when we can’t see the light, we have to rely on others to share their candle with us... to collaborate with us in order for us to be able to see to navigate through the darkness. So, soon enough I will put my high heels back on again and it will feel oh so good to be back on my feet.

Love Note:  With all my heart, I genuinely request that due to the content written, please seek the guidance of professional help should you feel you need it.