When The Impossible Keeps Going

 

A year ago, we changed my bipolar medications.  A year ago, the medication changes made my mental health worse.  A year ago, darkness fell upon me.  A year ago, I checked myself into a psychiatric hospital.  

Reflecting back on the past is hard sometimes because it can bring up trauma.  It can remind me of pain and struggling.  And it can bring back emotions that I keep deep down inside.  

However, reflecting on the past can also encourage me to remember the positives as well.  It reminds me of never-ending hope and unconditional self-love.  And, looking back is a good way for me to remember how strong I really am through every aspect of my life.  

There is a very powerful mental health grammatical metaphor that goes like this, "An author uses a semicolon when they could have ended a sentence with a period, but chose to keep writing.  In life, it means that your story is not over yet".  

Maybe my story is a reminder that I am what happens when the impossible keeps going.  When life told me to stop, I decided to add a "semicolon" to my story instead of a "period" to my life.  And because of that pause, I was able to seek professional help when I needed it the most.  

It is hard sometimes.  It is hard to wear shoes, especially ones that have heels.  This is because the shoes symbolize confidence, self-love and pride.  And they remind me to be encouraged when my brain tells me I am not worthy.  And sometimes, it is hard to see the positive when the negative lingers around me. 

But, I know that my story could have been impossible.  Because it might have turned out much different than the path I chose to take.  Yet when I look into the mirror, I see a woman who kept going through the darkness.  And I am proud to be a witness to what the impossible looks like when she keeps moving forward.  

Love Note: With all my heart, I genuinely request that due to the content written, please seek the guidance of professional help should you feel you need it.

Hospitalized To Become Stable Again

I know it’s been a while since I last wrote.  Truth be told, I have been really sick.  My psychiatrist and I needed to change my medications because my anxiety was worsening.  However, negative side effects of the new medications far outweighed the ability for the medication to help me.  Therefore, we needed to stop them immediately.  

Unfortunately, there became a huge chemical imbalance in my brain which lead to serious physical ramifications.  For more than 2 weeks, I lived with anxiety attacks that lasted anywhere from 30 minutes to 3 hours.  During which, I experienced severe heart palpitations that made it hard to catch my breath.  Included in this nightmare was non-stop extreme nausea, sleep deprivation and exhaustion.  Due to all the physical symptoms, the depression heightened and the tears felt like they would never end.  

The depression turned into unmanageable dark thoughts and after 2 Emergency Department visits, I was hospitalized.  It took 8 days to stabilize me such that I could be sent home.  In the hospital, they adjusted my medications which began my very slow road to recovery.  

In the hospital, I wrote a poem:

Floor 7 North
I am not alone.
The other patients have become my friends.
We heal together.
We talk in group sessions.

We walk the halls to remain active.  
We share our stories.
We have nurses and doctors.
All the staff takes care of us.
Sometimes we listen to music.
We are the psychiatric unit.
To those we love, we are family members and friends.  

We are sick but we are people, too.  
Our illnesses do not define us.

I spent 8 days in 7 North.  I got help.  I started healing.  I went home with hope.  I remain resilient and encouraged.


Outside of the hospital I have felt dazed and confused.  I feel lightheaded.  I still cry a lot.  However, the doctor said it would take 2-3 weeks for the medications to take full effect.  I am glad to be alive, stable and home.

Today, I went to the grocery store.  I wore my high heels.  I felt pretty and confident.  I am reminded that I persevere through hard times.  

Love Note: With all my heart, I genuinely request that due to the content written, please seek the guidance of professional help should you feel you need it.