Hospitalized To Become Stable Again

I know it’s been a while since I last wrote.  Truth be told, I have been really sick.  My psychiatrist and I needed to change my medications because my anxiety was worsening.  However, negative side effects of the new medications far outweighed the ability for the medication to help me.  Therefore, we needed to stop them immediately.  

Unfortunately, there became a huge chemical imbalance in my brain which lead to serious physical ramifications.  For more than 2 weeks, I lived with anxiety attacks that lasted anywhere from 30 minutes to 3 hours.  During which, I experienced severe heart palpitations that made it hard to catch my breath.  Included in this nightmare was non-stop extreme nausea, sleep deprivation and exhaustion.  Due to all the physical symptoms, the depression heightened and the tears felt like they would never end.  

The depression turned into unmanageable dark thoughts and after 2 Emergency Department visits, I was hospitalized.  It took 8 days to stabilize me such that I could be sent home.  In the hospital, they adjusted my medications which began my very slow road to recovery.  

In the hospital, I wrote a poem:

Floor 7 North
I am not alone.
The other patients have become my friends.
We heal together.
We talk in group sessions.

We walk the halls to remain active.  
We share our stories.
We have nurses and doctors.
All the staff takes care of us.
Sometimes we listen to music.
We are the psychiatric unit.
To those we love, we are family members and friends.  

We are sick but we are people, too.  
Our illnesses do not define us.

I spent 8 days in 7 North.  I got help.  I started healing.  I went home with hope.  I remain resilient and encouraged.


Outside of the hospital I have felt dazed and confused.  I feel lightheaded.  I still cry a lot.  However, the doctor said it would take 2-3 weeks for the medications to take full effect.  I am glad to be alive, stable and home.

Today, I went to the grocery store.  I wore my high heels.  I felt pretty and confident.  I am reminded that I persevere through hard times.  

Love Note: With all my heart, I genuinely request that due to the content written, please seek the guidance of professional help should you feel you need it. 

Self-Love

 

Self-love is a hard topic for me.  I struggle a lot with accepting where I am in my life.  Yet, in the midst of the chaos, there is a small twinkle of hope.  And that little light keeps me going forward.  

I have been struggling recently with living one moment at a time.  My thoughts are so far into the future that it overwhelms me.  I feel lost in the middle of a tornado of emotions, which leads me to never-ending anxiety.  Therefore, I tend to take simple things for granted and I forget to be grateful.  

Recently, one of my family members fractured their elbow.  It took her out of every sport that she loved, ended summer swimming with her friends, and stopped her from doing simple chores around the house.  She went from a high-functioning athlete to now needing help opening the toothpaste bottle to brush her teeth.  In the blink of an eye, her life flipped upside down.  

Not only did her physical health change but her mental health changed, too.  After lots of hugs and a "get well soon" balloon, we sat down and talked.  She looked me in the eyes and said, "I took my arm for granted.  I forgot how important it is to be grateful to be able to use every single part of my body.  Now that I can't, I am reminded that life can change very suddenly". 

Her wise words reminded me that I need to focus on one moment at a time.  Looking into the future can be daunting because I do not know what lies ahead.  I cannot control the moments that have yet to take place.  

It is so important to remember that every tiny moment in the present matters.  I can let anxiety, fear, panic and worry surround me.  Or, I can re-wire my brain to live with self-love and be patient with the person I am becoming.  

So today, as I slide my feet into my high heel shoes, I will remind myself to be grateful.  When I feel overwhelmed, I will remember to love myself.  And when in doubt, I will look for that little twinkle of hope to get me through the day.  

Love Note: With all my heart, I genuinely request that due to the content written, please seek the guidance of professional help should you feel you need it. 

Becoming A Butterfly

 

I love butterflies.  And I am always touched by the gentle reminder that a butterfly was once a caterpillar.  The process and journey of the caterpillar becoming a butterfly is so beautiful to me.


Earlier today I was reflecting on the term and concept of "to become" or "becoming".  To me, in order to try to become an evolved version of myself means that I have to therefore accept where I am in the present.  And by accepting where I am, I allow space for myself to see where I can potentially be in the future.  I feel like this is a beautiful theory, yet my reflection on this made me stumble upon a recent example in my own life.  


In 2020, during the beginning of the pandemic, I set a goal to run a 5k, which is roughly 3.11 miles.  I even went as far as to buy a "virtual race kit" to accomplish this goal.  Upon completion of running the 5k, I was supposed to post pictures on the race website and earn a medal that was mailed to me.  So, I started training for the run.


My grandfather used to say, "If it wasn't for bad luck, I wouldn't have any luck at all" and he was right.  About 6 months into training, I ran my way into a back injury.  This paused my training and took the excitement out of the idea.  One year later, I contracted COVID for the first time and became extremely ill.  And then after two major surgeries and getting COVID for the second time, I finally began a journey to becoming physically healthy again.  Yet, approximately 5 years later, I had yet to accomplish my goal.


3 months ago, I looked at my husband with tears rolling down my face.  I told him that all I wanted to do was run this 5k before my birthday.  We discussed my physical health, including my limited lung capacity, and my psychological health of the constantly lingering depression. These health issues were keeping me from accomplishing my goal that I wanted so badly to pursue.


Knowing that I wanted to become a stronger version of myself, my husband helped me map out a way to obtain my goal of running a 5k before the end of July 2025.  And so, my journey began.  I started off as a little caterpillar.  I walked half a mile a day for weeks.  And I slowly added a little jogging into my routine.  My walking turned into jogging and my jogging turned into running.  My lungs, legs and arms grew stronger and my mental health was also reaping the benefits of body movement for 45minutes a day 3 to 4 days a week.


This past Sunday, I ran my very first 5k.  I took my time, I paced myself, and I did a lot of positive self talk.  In that moment, I felt like I finally became a butterfly.  When my daughter presented me with my medal, it felt like 5 years of accomplishment hanging around my neck.   


So much of me felt stagnant for years.  But when I was finally healthy enough to think about becoming a mentally and physically stronger version of myself, I was able to meet a 5-year goal.  I honored 
who I was and became the person I wanted to be.


When I am not wearing high heels, I am wearing running sneakers.  And both make me feel just as beautiful.  And I am gently reminded that in order to become a stronger version of the person I currently am, I have to honor the caterpillar I am in the present moment while preparing for the butterfly I want to be in the future.  

Love Note: With all my heart, I genuinely request that due to the content written, please seek the guidance of professional help should you feel you need it.