Self-Isolation

 

It is not easy to have a mental illness when the bipolar and anxiety tell me to self-isolate.  Maybe that is called self-preservation.  Yet, talking about this makes me feel like I am losing a battle to my brain.  I also know that sometimes it is okay to not be okay.  And it is important to find a safe space to be alone.  

When my brain tells me to be alone, I always try to make sure I am with one "safe" person.  I might be in my bedroom by myself, but I am not in my home alone.  There is a loved one in the house with me even if they are not in the same room as me.  If I absolutely have to be alone, I have a "favorites" list of people on my phone who are close family and friends that I can immediately call if I am starting to feel less-than-okay.  

When I am ready to go out of the house, I find myself trying to find safe places and joyful people to be around.  I might go to lunch with my family, or meet my best friend at the library.  These are my people.  They love me for who I am, and they surround me with their unconditional support.

During times of despair, being alone feels sad and dark.  But when I am not okay, most of the time I find solace in my bed, and I take a nap.  This provides the extra sleep that my mind and body need in order to heal.  

A few days ago, I was in bed all morning while my husband worked from home.  I dragged myself out of bed to walk my dog around the block.  I thought, why not put on a pair of 2 inch heels to walk the dog?  I did this to remind myself that my morning was rough, but my evening was going to be better.  When I got home, ironically I had the biggest blister on my pinky toe!  Welp, I tried.  And sometimes, we still get blisters in our special shoes even with the best of intentions.  

Love Note: With all my heart, I genuinely request that due to the content written, please seek the guidance of professional help should you feel you need it.

Conquering The Darkness

 

Every time I think I am starting to do really well, I feel like life slaps me in the face.  I know that having health issues comes with ups and downs, and it seems that the highs are very bright and the lows are very dark.  This is bipolar disorder and this is my reality.  

While I was in the hospital, I was roughly 3 hours away from getting discharged.  My in-patient psychiatrist and I spoke with my husband to make sure I would be safe when I arrived at home.  We discussed all of my discharge needs as the staff prepared me to leave the hospital.  

Before I left, I looked at my healthcare team and I said:

"Thank you.  Thank you for everything.  I appreciate all your help, support and guidance.  And I am so grateful to be stable and well enough to go home".  

The psychiatrist looked at me with a gentle smile and said:

"While I appreciate and will gladly take the compliment, I want you to also be proud of yourself.  Because you did all the hard work.  We can guide you but you have to put in the effort.  And you did.  We are confident as we prepare to send you home".  

This was a reminder to me that being honest with my husband and telling him, "I am not okay.  I need help" was brave.  This is a reminder to me that putting in the work to get stable is also brave.  And finally, this is a reminder to me that even when my brain becomes dark, my confidence in my ability to heal is very brave.  

I believe that we will all face very hard times in life.  Some of these times may be very difficult.  But having the courage to ask for help and being able to conquer the darkness is something to be very proud of.  And as I slide my feet in my high heels, I am reminded of how brave I truly am.  

Love Note: With all my heart, I genuinely request that due to the content written, please seek the guidance of professional help should you feel you need it.

My Healing Journey Because I Refuse To Quit

 

Healing, I have decided, is a journey.  It is not a race.  Rather, it is baby steps in order to get from one moment to the next.  And these moments add up to a successful path towards mending my broken soul.  

When I see my grandmother, she welcomes me with a big hug.  At which point in time, she pulls back and looks me in the eyes.  She questions, "How are you doing?"  And I quietly answer, "I am fine".  She continues, "I know you are fine.  But tell me how you are really doing".  I state, "Grandma, I am struggling but I am trying desperately to heal".  After another hug, she looks at me again and goes, "You are an important woman.  We need you.  Take care of yourself".


Grandma's way of finding out how I am really feeling is beyond the superficial.  It digs deep into my heart and reminds me that I can be honest with her.  She loves me unconditionally and does not judge where I am in my life.  Instead, she encourages me to keep going beyond my momentary struggles, and look at the greater picture of taking care of myself.


Right now, healing to me is simply one moment at a time.  And when my brain tells me negative thoughts, I think about them for a moment without dwelling them.  Instead, I have found simple ways of healing as I refuse to quit during this long road to recovery.  


Recently, I have grown fond of doing puzzles.  I like to focus on the shapes and colors as I slowly and gradually put together each piece.  Finding its rightful place in the 750 or 1,000 piece puzzle helps me see the bigger picture.  And the end result of finishing it is very satisfying.  


I make time to rest and take naps.  Some days, I feel strong enough to walk around my neighborhood for about 15-20 minutes.  I also like to read books.  Sometimes, I have to re-read paragraphs in order to process the words on the page to make sense of the story.  However, these are all small steps in my journey towards recovery.  


And once in a while, I take a deep breath and I slide my feet into my high heel shoes.  Even if I am simply going to the grocery store, I feel a sense of comfort and confidence in my heels.  Before getting into the car, I look up at the sky, and I take in a deep breath of fresh air.  And with each step, I will continue to move forward.  This reminds me that I am growing stronger each day and that I refuse to quit as I continue my journey of healing.  

Love Note: With all my heart, I genuinely request that due to the content written, please seek the guidance of professional help should you feel you need it.