Boundaries...Or Lack Thereof

I was recently at a family gathering.  We had a lovely celebration with food, drinks and desserts!  It was a beautiful event and it was nice to be together. 

However, it was not so exciting for one of my family members because he recently lost his job.  He was an executive in a large organization.  The company was downsizing due to an acquisition, and his position was being eliminated.  Unfortunately for him, one of the first questions that came up in discussions included, "How is your job going?".  

Upon learning this sad news, I could see the overwhelming disappointment on his face.  And yet, the questions continued to flow in his direction, "Why did they let you go?"  "What did you do to deserve the outcome of this decision?"  "Are you looking for new jobs?"  "Will you be financially stable until you find something new?"  

Everyone was clearly curious about his situation.  However, by the end of the evening, it seemed he was distraught.  When I hugged him goodbye, I felt awful knowing that all night he just wanted to be left alone.  

Later that week, I debriefed this scenario with my therapist, and she explained there was clearly a lack of boundaries.  The family members who questioned him had little understanding of the emotional toll this was taking on him.  And while their intentions were of good nature, the result was that he left the party extremely upset.  

Furthermore, my therapist explained that if he took the lead on guiding the conversation, maybe he could have protected himself from so many questions.  He could have simply answered a thought-provoking question, and then changed the subject.  For example, "My job was eliminated and it has been very hard on me.  However, I would prefer to not discuss it further.  Yet, I would love to know how you and your children are doing?"  Or, "Things in my world are very challenging right now, but I am learning to take one day at a time.  How was your autumn?"  

For me, this was a learning experience of boundaries with family members.  I have been in many situations where I am questioned about my job, and sometimes I walk away feeling like a failure.  But setting boundaries with others is helpful for me.  It is healing because it creates an opportunity for me to learn a lesson about myself as I relate to others.  

The next time you slip your toes into your special shoes, maybe take a moment to think about your relationships.  Remind yourself that you are a super human full of love, and you deserve respect from everyone including those who love you the most.  And sometimes, we have to set boundaries to protect our souls through tough times in our lives.  

Love Note: With all my heart, I genuinely request that due to the content written, please seek the guidance of professional help should you feel you need it.

Everything Will Be Okay

 

Recently, my husband and I were leaning into a deep reflection of these past two years.  December 2022 began a chaotic disaster of physical and mental health issues.  It has been a traumatic rollercoaster for me.  And it has also deeply affected my family.  Truthfully, we are exhausted.  

My body has always been very sensitive to medication, illness and injury.  While the average person may take 10 days to heal from a common upper respiratory viral infection, it takes me over 14 days.  A simple bruise may take most people 5 days to disappear and for me, it could take 7-10 days to heal.  I am very aware of this and therefore know my body has many sensitivities.  


On this same note, my body is very finicky when it comes to medications.  Sometimes a medicine that most people can use, my body may struggle to adjust.  It’s hard sometimes to know which medications I tolerate without, unfortunately, having to try them first.  Recently, I tried a medication to help with my anxiety and my body had an adverse reaction to it.  Upon finding out about this, my father-in-law looked at me and said, "You just have the worst luck".  

As I continue to reflect on these past two years, I know that I have tried my hardest every step of the way.  Through two bouts of COVID, Long COVID symptoms, chronic migraines, chronic fatigue, anxiety, bipolar disorder and two major surgeries, I have taken life one moment at a time.  And I continue to try and work on my health and wellbeing every single day.  

I know that I feel mentally and physically truly exhausted.  Yet, resting is just as important as doing all the things that life throws in my direction.  I believe it is not healthy to push through exhaustion to get through to the next moment.  Sometimes it is hard to find time to rest however, I know the importance of a nap and a good solid nights sleep.  

I end this post with a letter of love and encouragement.  This is for myself and for all those struggling through their own life battles.  We all have a story to share and I am honored to share mine with all of you.  And, at the end of the day, I know that "everything will be okay".  

A letter to the exhausted....

Beautiful human, I need you to stop.

I need you to stop for just one moment and remember how far you've come,

how much you've grown.

I need you to remind yourself that there hasn't been one challenge you haven't overcome.

Know that you are strong, capable, gifted and the Universe has a beautiful purpose for you here on earth.

I need you to remember that you are amazing.

You are a masterpiece, and your story is a testimony to other people. 

Keep shining, and be SO very proud of the human you are becoming. 

Love Note: With all my heart, I genuinely request that due to the content written, please seek the guidance of professional help should you feel you need it.

Gratitude Lists

 

Today my daughter came home from school excited to share that she learned how to make a "gratitude list".  Her teacher spent time discussing gratitude lists with the students.  Every child made a list of 3 things they are grateful for, and they shared these items with each other.


There are many ways of making a grateful list.  For example:

• Write down 3-5 things you are grateful for every morning when you wake up and reflect on those things as you walk through life that day. 
• Reflect on the day and make a list at night before you go to bed.  
• Keep a journal of the things you are grateful for each day.  Whether the day was good or bad, use the journal entry to be reminded of gratitude. 
• Write an item of gratitude on a slip of paper and put it in a jar.  When you need a little pick-me-up throughout the week, take one of the papers out of the jar and read it!  This can be a helpful reminder of what you are thankful for. 

One of my best friends sends me his gratitude list every morning and it includes 5 things he is grateful for.  Upon reading his list, I lay in bed to notate my own list and start my day.  Sometimes, I am simply grateful for my soft comfy pillow.  And other times, my gratitude list is lengthy and detailed with recent events or happenings throughout my life. 

Whether life feels difficult or joyful, I know that an attitude of gratitude can turn what I have into everything I may need.  It can make the things that I have enough for the necessities of life.  And my hope for you is that today and always, may you slip your toes into those high heel shoes, lift your head up high and know that I am so very grateful for YOU!

Love Note: With all my heart, I genuinely request that due to the content written, please seek the guidance of professional help should you feel you need it.

"Happy Dance" For Small Businesses

My grandfather had a dream.  He wanted to own a business.  And he made his dream a reality in 1967.

His store was a small retail food market focused on fresh meats including chicken, pork and beef.  He also sold lunch meats for sandwiches.  Personally, my favorite items he sold were lollipop sticks, jams and crackers!  Out of pure love for children, every child that walked into his store left with a pretzel stick in their little hands.

When my grandpa retired, he sold the business to my mom and dad.  I grew up sweeping the floors and washing dishes.  And when I was old enough, I ran the front of the store including the cash register.  I worked evenings after school, holidays and throughout the summer.  Growing up in a family business helped me learn an incredible work ethic including customer service, time management and mutual respect for others.  

When my father passed away in 2008, my mother kept the business open.  A woman of great strength and determination, she has owned and operated the store since that time.  She continues to run the business with great success through the ups and downs that the economy has thrown her direction.  And with every sale, I imagine that she does a little "happy dance" knowing that the customers keep her business moving forward!  

A dream, that turned into a reality, has been a successful small retail meat market for over 55 years.  It is amazing how the store has changed over the years, and yet continues to flourish.  She now sells organic and natural foods, along with heat-and-eat items for her customer clientele.  My mom has many local customers and she also ships food all across the country!  While large businesses create struggles for this little store, the customer loyalty shines through. 

Sneakers, not high heels, are a much better fit while working at the family business.  Yet I know the story that supports this little store and all that it has to offer in its small town.  And when my mom is not working, she wears her heels honoring the legacy of this family business.

Love Note: With all my heart, I genuinely request that due to the content written, please seek the guidance of professional help should you feel you need it.

Finding My Way Home

This morning I was driving home from the post office, and as I pulled into my development a cat ran across the road in front of my car.  I slowed down in order to give the cat enough time to run safely onto the sidewalk.  However, as it ran, I noticed that it had a collar.  

This was not a stray cat running around outside.  This cat had a place to call "home".  And every part of my heart loves cats, so I safely pulled over and got out of my car.  I proceeded to scare the cat with my heart-felt attempt to get closer!  Yet, it did not hiss.  It ran away from me meowing loudly.  

It was, however, bitter cold outside.  So, I could not let the cat be alone, scared and cold.  Therefore, I knelt down and sat there calling gently for the cat to come to me.  It grew trust quickly and scurried over to me chatting with loud meows all the while coming closer and closer.  It finally got close enough that I could see the tags on the collar were no longer there.  Unfortunately, this meant there was no address nor phone number in order for me to contact its owner.  

I took pictures of the cat and posted them on our local social media pages in hopes that someone will see it and come claim their precious feline friend.  And after about a half hour of spending time with the cat, a truck raced loudly down the street and scared it into the woods.  I could see its little body sneak under the fence and then it was gone.  My hope is that my social media pictures will help, and this precious cat will find its way home. 

The story of this cat makes me think about times when I too feel lost.  And sometimes I feel so lost that I cannot find my way home.  Yet during those moments, I know that I am never truly by myself.  Sometimes I will call a friend for help, similar to the meows of my little cat friend.  Or I will run into the arms of someone I love knowing I can trust them, in the same way this cat found trust in me.  

But, no matter how I approach it, I know my soul will find peace and my heart will find love yet again.  And when I am ready, I know I will put on my high heels.  Because within the confines of those beautiful shoes, I will always feel home.  

Love Note: With all my heart, I genuinely request that due to the content written, please seek the guidance of professional help should you feel you need it.

The Faucet Was Dripping

 

The kitchen faucet was dripping.  I heard it while I was reading a book on the couch.  Drip. Drip. Drip.  It would not stop dripping.  Was there something wrong?  Is there a leak?  Do we need a plumber?  As all these thoughts ran through my head, I finally stopped and thought to myself, "Welp, you could sit here and contemplate all day what is wrong, or you could go evaluate the situation".  I got up, went over to the faucet and simply pushed the handle closed.  The last person who used it did not fully turn it off.  

I do this all the time.  I make up a story in my head.  It is usually a narrative with little value-add other than to provide anxiety and stress.  I sit there and worry about all the different "what-if" scenarios and then I process them and re-process them until I am mentally exhausted.  

Yet, I will tell you that I am also a problem-solver type of person.  I see an issue, come up with a solution, and proceed to act on it in order to rectify the situation.  I like to analyze circumstances that need attention and determine a way to fix them.  

The other day my mom called me and her cell phone was breaking up.  I could only hear every other word she said.  Until finally I hollered at the phone, "MOM!  Turn off and restart your phone then call me back!"  Click.  She hung up the phone.  About 5 minutes later, she called me back and the phone call went through without any issues.  Did she need a new phone?  No, she just needed to restart the one she had.  

It is really easy to jump to conclusions without enough data to support my concern.  It is very helpful to step back, evaluate what is happening and offer a way to make it better or fix it.  Is the faucet dripping because it was not turned off correctly?  Or do we need a plumber for a leak?  Can we restart my moms cell phone to reboot the system or do we need to buy her a new cell phone?  

Sometimes, the latter is true.  There are times when a simple battery cannot fix a broken toy.  When changing the spool cannot fix a broken sewing machine.  And restarting a computer cannot fix its broken hard drive.  And these situations can be very unnerving to determine the real issue and sometimes even very costly to get it fixed.  

However, the next time a problem occurs I will urge myself to stop thinking through all the different scenarios before fully evaluating the situation first.  I will offer problem-solving solutions before jumping to conclusions.  And I will put on my fancy shoes and waltz around the house knowing full well that this time, it was only a simple push to close the faucet in order to stop the dripping.  

Love Note: With all my heart, I genuinely request that due to the content written, please seek the guidance of professional help should you feel you need it.

In-Patient Hospital Stays

One of my readers asked me to explain more about my in-patient hospital stays.  They stressed the fact that I had previously discussed having stayed in psychiatric wards for a week at a time.  And they requested to better understand my experience during those hospital visits.  

This topic of conversation is very close to my heart and therefore very deep in my soul.  So, I will first say that sharing my experience with all of you is very important to me.  Yet, I will also admit that it is very hard for me to explain these times in my life where I felt so much despair.  

My stays in "psych wards" were very unique experiences.  Each day, we had a morning meeting at 9am and an afternoon meeting at 4pm.  We met in a common area with a nurse who guided the discussion.  We went around in a circle and talked about how we were feeling that day.  We shared one positive and one negative thought.  

Every day at 8:30am, we were called to stand in line for the nurses to administer our medication.  We were handed a small cup with our medicine in one hand and a cup with water in the other hand.  Upon taking our meds, we had to open our mouth and show the nurses that we had, in fact, swallowed them.  

We were served 3 meals per day including breakfast, lunch and dinner.  There were no butter knives, and all food could be broken up with a plastic fork or spoon.  And when we were finished eating, we had to show the food-service coordinator our plate, fork and spoon before throwing it into the trashcan.  Nothing was to be taken out of the dining area.  

I met with my Psychiatrist and Social Worker twice during the week to discuss and adjust my medications.  And I was allowed exactly one phone call per day.  A small journal was provided for me to write down my thoughts.

There was no jewelry and no elastic nor pockets on clothing.  Nothing was allowed to be hidden, so as to eliminate the potential for a patient to harm either themselves or someone else.  Visiting hours were every other day 5pm-7pm.  

The quote at the top of this post explains that even butterflies rest when it rains, and yet when the storm passes they fly again.  During the darkness of the days in the hospital, I did everything I could to find hope.  I colored, I did puzzles, I listened to music, and I painted in the arts and crafts room.  I read books to quiet my mind and allow my brain to drift into the pages of the story.  And I made friends so that we could help each other get through the worst of times.  

When it was over and my doctors deemed me well enough to go home, I knew the storm had passed.  I would gradually ease my way back into my life one moment at a time.  And when I was ready, I always spread my wings like a butterfly and yet again, I would fly.  

Love Note: With all my heart, I genuinely request that due to the content written, please seek the guidance of professional help should you feel you need it.

We Color The World In Beauty

 

This afternoon I was drinking a cup of coffee contemplating my reality and reflecting on exactly where I am in life right now.  I read stories on social media about friends who are kickin' it at the gym, meditating, listening to their favorite songs on repeat and spending time with their family.  And as I read through these stories and admired what my friends are doing in their lives, I began thinking about where I am right now in my life, too.


As I sat there in silence drinking my most favorite drink, I looked to my right and saw my daughters gallon-size crayon bag sitting on the table.  I thought about the uniqueness of each and every crayon in that huge bag.  Some crayons still had a point.  While other crayons where half their size because these crayons were clearly used and loved in various ways.  

And it was then that it struck me like a lightbulb exploding in my head!  WHAT COLOR CRAYON AM I?  As I fumbled through the bag, I immediately realized that clearly I am Carnation Pink.  This crayon had no tip, the wrapper around the crayon was slightly ripped and it was right at the very top of the bag snuggled next to blue and green.  

"Why did you pick this crayon?" I am so glad you asked!  Pink, for one, is my most favorite color in the entire world.  Its various shades are gorgeous all in their own way and, when used, they color the most beautiful pictures  Yet, my carnation pink crayon has no tip because clearly it has been used a lot.  Sometimes, I feel like the world uses me too in many different ways to help others see the beauty in themselves.  It was a very loved crayon as I am also loved by oh so many people.  And, when I looked at the wrapper surrounding the crayon and the tear, it made me think about my past and all that I have been through.  To me, this symbolized the ups and downs of my life.  

And finally, and arguably the most important of all, carnation pink was right next to two beautiful colors.  The blue to its left is my husbands favorite color and the greens under it are my daughters favorite color.  Clearly, the colors knew I was going to write about them in my blog today, so they situated themselves perfectly to represent my beautiful family!

Today, I ask you the same question that I asked myself, "If you were a crayon, what color would you be and why?"  Maybe you would pick yellow because the sun shines so brightly in your life.  Or you might pick rose red because the flowers of that color represent all the love that surrounds you. 

Not surprisingly, my favorite high heels are my pink pair.  They are a beautiful color, and the height makes me feel proud. They show my confidence as I slip my feet into these lovely shoes.  

I am so thankful for all the different people in my life and all the gorgeous colors that they represent.  I am grateful that each person is unique and one of a kind.  And I am forever happy to be able to share in this colorful life with all of you.  

Love Note: With all my heart, I genuinely request that due to the content written, please seek the guidance of professional help should you feel you need it.

Holding It Together At A Young Age

I was recently asked about my first boyfriend.  He was not my first "guy crush" but he was my first real love.  Unfortunately for me, this story is not that of a happy time in my life.  Yet, I will share this part of my past knowing that I grew wiser and stronger after the relationship ended.  And while this brings up tough memories, I worked very hard to heal.  

I was a young 16 year old when I met him.  I thought he was "cute" so I had a friend introduce us.  Little did I know he was sadly not a nice person.  

I wanted to be loved.  I wanted to be noticed.  I wanted to be "cool".  And more than anything, I wanted attention.  He gave me all those things but he also came with a great deal of baggage.  He processed his past by putting the anger of his childhood on me.  And I dealt with it because I was too scared to leave.  

He was in the military and by the time I graduated high school, I had agreed to be engaged that summer and become his wife.  Yet every part of my soul kept telling me to run in the opposite direction.  Each part of my heart was in despair and I felt pressure to do life his way.  And every bit of my body was screaming, "please get out of this right now".  

I received a partial scholarship to a college 3 hours from home.  He was going to move to Kentucky and I was supposed to move with him.  But my parents would not let me go with him until I received my college education, so I agreed to pursue my bachelors degree.  He came to visit me the fall of my freshman year.  

I felt so manipulated, broken and beaten down.  My college friends noticed, and they took me to the on-campus counselor.  She helped me process his abuse and we agreed I needed to leave him, and college was my only healthy way out.  

The winter of my freshman year, I felt mentally and physically healthy enough to call him and tell him I was done with the relationship.  I told him I did not want him to visit me at school anymore, and I told him I did not want to be his military bride.  His anger through the phone was undeniable but he was being deployed and there was little he could do to hold onto me.  

My dear friends, I tell you this story as part of my deep dark past as a means in which to explain more of how I came to be the woman I am today.  I wear my heels for my 16 year old self knowing that she deserved a healthier first boyfriend.  And I love on who I am today because I have healed so beautifully from the young woman I once was.  And finally, I cannot wait to keep learning about the woman I will become. 

Love Note: With all my heart, I genuinely request that due to the content written, please seek the guidance of professional help should you feel you need it.

Gratefully Annoyed

Amongst my many ailments, I suffer from migraines.  These headaches are beyond awful.  They can be debilitating and extremely painful.  

The pain begins in my lower forehead and creeps behind my eyes.  It then moves up the front of my face, on top of my head, down the back of my head and into my lower neck and shoulders.  It hurts.  

Migraines are not like normal every day headaches.  They come equip with light and sound sensitivity.  And all I ever want is pain relief, a dark room, my body to be warm and my head to be freezing cold.  

I am grateful because we are blessed to have health insurance.  Yet, the insurance company is quick to review my need for migraine medication and slow to approve it.  This last go-around with the insurance company meant that my monthly migraine medicine was a week overdue, and I had a migraine for two days waiting for the prior authorization to be approved in order to get the medicine to ease the pain.  

I am grateful that I have the time right now to make multiple phone calls to the doctors offices, insurance company, and pharmacy.  While not working is financially straining, it certainly gives me extra time to be an advocate for my health.  And it allows me the flexibility to drive an hour away to pick up my medications.  

I am grateful for the pharmacy who processed my medicine.  The customer service person was extremely rude but yet finally offered me an alternative solution to picking up my medicine rather than mailing it.  Mail order would take upwards of 7 days to process and ship it, which was not a feasible option given the circumstances.  

Therefore, I digress because I feel gratefully annoyed.  Annoyed that I had to go through this entire mess of a process to get my prescription in order to have pain relief.  Yet grateful that I have insurance and support from my doctors office to help me process the prior authorization for the medication that I need.  

When I put on my heels, I think about how blessed I am to be supported by wonderful doctors, have access to helpful medicine and have family and friends who loves me through all the trying times.  I was beyond annoyed that I had to go through this process in order to get the help I needed yet, at the end of two long weeks, I am grateful for the help I finally received. 

Love Note: With all my heart, I genuinely request that due to the content written, please seek the guidance of professional help should you feel you need it.

When Mommy Turns Into Mama Bear

In the wild, mama bears fiercely protect their babies.  For me, the “mama bear” in me comes out when someone is being rude to my child.  And the mama bear in me is fierce, too.


When my daughter went into 2nd grade, a little girl started to bully her.  My daughter came home crying or angry every day when I picked her up from school.  I knew she was not okay as she explained that a little girl at school was constantly picking on her and would not leave her alone.


We were called into school for a meeting with her teacher to review “my daughter’s behavior”.  MY daughter’s behavior?  What had MY daughter done wrong amongst the chaos of these circumstances?  The day of the parent/teacher meeting, I put on dress slacks, a blouse, a suit coat and red “power pump” high heel shoes.  I was physically and emotionally prepared for the mama bear to come out in this meeting.


When we arrived at the school, the teacher began to explain the dynamic between the two girls.  She clearly stated the bully’s jealousy for my daughter’s high grades and her bully’s educational decline.  When her teacher said my daughter should “react differently” to this other girls taunting, I sat there quietly confused.  Finally, the teacher was done talking and I was able to chime into the conversation that was, up to that point, very one-sided.


To explain our desire to support our daughter through this situation, I told her teacher that at home we worked on “roll play”.  For example, I pretend to be the mean girl and poke my daughter with a pencil.  My husband talks through how my daughter could react.  For instance, she could ignore the poking, raise her hand and tell the teacher, have a sip of water and take a deep breath.  And while this was seemingly helping my daughter’s reaction to the little girl, it was not solving the big picture of this other child’s attitude towards my daughter.


As the mama bear in me continued to come out, I explained that the girl was punching and pushing my daughter on the playground while she was playing with her friends.  And in the classroom, she was getting poked with a pencil and yelled at by this little girl when my daughter answered a question correctly.


I went on the ask a simple get poignant question.  Where do the girls sit and how close are their desks in proximity to one another?  The teacher slowly walked over to point out that the girls desks sat back to back.  I looked at the teacher and said, “instead of taking this hour to talk to us about how our daughter is reacting to a bully, why didn’t you take this time to change your classroom setup and move the girls desks away from one another?”  The teacher was clearly not pleased with my mama bear problem-solving skills and said “it’s just too much effort and would take too much time for me to move my whole classroom around to accommodate these two girls”.  In turn, I explained that our next step was to speak with the administration and have our daughter moved to a different classroom.


By the following Monday, the girls desks were moved across the classroom from one another.  The playground teachers were notified and on high alert to keep the bully away from my daughter.  And while still clearly distressed, my daughter started coming home with a new sense of calm about her.


"Mama bear" came out loud and clear that day in my daughter’s classroom.  My power pumps gave me confidence to speak up for my daughter and handle the unfortunate situation that had been presented to us.  And I felt proud for sticking up for my daughter who needed a voice beyond her own to handle a girl who was being mean to her.


Love Note: With all my heart, I genuinely request that due to the content written, please seek the guidance of professional help should you feel you need it.

Taking the Path of Least Resistance By Esther Hofknecht Curtis, MSM-HCA

I am excited to have a guest blogger this week!  Esther is a dear friend of mine and I am honored that she wrote a lovely message for us.  Enjoy!


I’ve learned a lot about myself in the past few years. I’ve learned about the universe and how our lives are all intertwined. I’ve learned to follow my intuition and look for signs that I’m on the right path to reach my life’s goals. Above all, I’ve learned that good things come to those that wait, but good things come a lot faster to those that take the path of least resistance. And that has been a challenge for me to accept and apply to my daily life.


I am not religious, but I am a spiritual sojourner. In the past few years, I’ve discovered that Lao Tzu’s The Way of the Tao is the only spiritual teaching that makes any sense to me. The Tao teaches mindfulness, introspection, and tapping into the core nature of our own spirit. As a science junkie, I know enough to know Tao teachings don’t contradict basic science. (That’s more than I can say for many other mainstream religions.) For me, that’s enough.


The Tao is written in an ancient dialect and has been translated and interpreted many times, so it’s hard to understand. Not only that, but the concepts within the Tao are complex, and require a certain degree of understanding of metaphysics. It is not light reading, and it’s not for everyone.


I’ve found the best way to absorb the Tao is learning from those who studied and interpreted it for themselves. Many authors have tapped into the Tao to help people change their lives in amazing ways. Among them are Dr. Wayne Dyer, Abraham Hicks, Eckhart Tolle, Madisyn Taylor (DailyOM), Marie Kondo, Oprah Winfrey, and Tricia Brennan, who I quote here:


“In truth, taking the path of least resistance is the wisest option, which is the way of the Tao. Lao Tzu described the concept of Wu-Wei, meaning ‘without exertion,’ as a mental state in which actions are quite effortless. He talks of ‘action through non-action,’ in alignment with the ebb and flow of the natural world. The aim is to move in harmony with life rather than force an outcome.”


For someone like me (a person with ADHD), I have had to force myself to do everything (and I do mean everything) in life. So the idea of taking the path of least resistance was completely out of the question. Shouldn’t the best things in life take a ton of work? Haven’t we heard that working hard is the only way to achieve greatness?


Maybe not.


To quote Tricia Brennan again, “The act of letting go allows us to move into a state of flow – the energy stream where we are happily engaged with life, experiencing a sense of freedom.”


Opportunities present themselves to us every day. Choose the one that feels easiest to accomplish or that brings you joy or peace. Sometimes this is – literally – taking a path. If my goal is to get to an appointment on time and if I go straight to Route 13, I can see there are no cars in front of me, but if I get on Route 1, I can see many cars in front of me. So naturally, I should take Route 13. That choice may help me get to the appointment on time and provide me with the next opportunity I need to achieve my own personal goals.


On the flip side, you may wind up taking the more frustrating option, and finding out that it wasn’t worth it. A recent used car sale demonstrated for me that I should have listened to my intuition which said, “This is going to suck,” and I would have avoided a whole lot of aggravation and expense. But I kept pushing, despite obvious signs along the way that things would not work out the way I had hoped. In the end, it absolutely sucked. I lost money and had a tremendously stressful day that I’d like to forget.


Not very long ago, I had a desire for a job that would change my life for the better. I didn’t know where it would come from. I asked that it come to me with a transition that would be as easy as slipping into a warm bath. And just a few months later, it did. I received an offer that was a no-brainer, and I naturally slid into the new chapter of my career with very few bumps along the way. I was able to maintain a strong working relationship with my former employer, one that remains strong today. The transition was smoother than any I’d ever experienced, and I am living a happier, more balanced life full of opportunities to expand my skill set and make a positive difference in my community.


Our lives do have a purpose. Knowing what we want in life is the first step in realizing that purpose. After years of soul-searching, I now know my purpose is to be an advocate for myself and others.


To fight for the underdog.
To use my voice to make a difference for others that can’t.
To be the person who says the things that everyone else wishes they could.
To tackle hard problems with love, kindness, empathy, knowledge, and joy.
To build my community to be the best it can be.


I haven’t reached my full potential, but I also know I’m going to get there a lot quicker if I take the path of least resistance.


To quote Tricia Brennan again, “The act of letting go allows us to move into a state of flow – the energy stream where we are happily engaged with life, experiencing a sense of freedom.” Whether we’re artists, advocates, leaders, or healers, we feel most alive in these states of flow. We’re also attracting more good stuff to help us meet our own needs along the way. And that’s pretty awesome.


I fully intend to continue making choices that bring me joy, love, knowledge, freedom, and peace. My life is all the better for it, and I have a bright future ahead of me. I hope you will join me on this journey.


Love, Esther


Esther Hofknecht Curtis, MSM-HCA is an independent blogger based in Dover, Delaware. In her day job, she raises money for education about mental health, substance use disorders, and suicide prevention initiatives at the Mental Health Association in Delaware. She can be reached at esther@mhainde.org.


Source: https://www.triciabrennan.com/post/7-steps-to-following-the-path-of-least-resistance#:~:text=In%20truth%2C%20taking%20the%20path,flow%20of%20the%20natural%20world.

Love Note: With all my heart, I genuinely request that due to the content written, please seek the guidance of professional help should you feel you need it.

Safely Getting To Our Destinations

My husband and I have this running joke about driving.  He asks me, "Honey, how do you go from one place to another?"  And my answer is always the same, "I get around as nature intended. In a car!"

However, today was not like every other day driving around in my car.  I was driving my daughter home from a doctor's appointment on a major highway.  We were listening to some of our favorite songs, and I was keeping up with traffic as per my usual driving patterns.  I was mindful of my speed and admittedly driving behind an orange SUV that was driving under the speed limit.  This made me very uncomfortable so I kept my distance and safely shifted lanes to pass this car.  

Then I notice it.  The State Trooper pulling onto the highway, driving up right behind me and finally putting his flashing lights on.  He pulled me over and at once I was confused.  Was I driving too close to the car in front of me?  Was the car behind me tailgating me, and he wanted to keep me safe from harm?  Yet none of these were truths as he walked beside my car window and asked for my license and registration.  I was ticketed for going exactly 5 miles per hour above the speed limit!  5. miles. per. hour. above the speed limit!

When I got home I curled up into a ball on my bed and cried myself to sleep.  I felt awful thinking that I was at fault for a seemingly safe situation.  Yet, I learned my lesson the hard way.  I will use my cruise control on the highway in the future.  This was the guidance of the police officer who pulled me over.  

When he handed me my ticket, he asked, "Where are you going?" and I simply responded, "I am taking my daughter home".  However, that begs the questions:  Aren't we always going somewhere?  And don't we always have an important destination?

I find that people drive in such a rush to get to their destination.  Two weeks ago on this same highway, there were 3 major car accidents in one day within miles of one another.  Was one car riding too close to the bumper of another car?  Were they driving too quickly because they had somewhere important to be?  

Today, I drove my daughter and I home safely.  This reminded me that, in general, we are all on our way somewhere to do something with someone in mind.  And I will respect that the rules of the road are to keep us all safe.  So tonight as I slide my feet out of my shoes and slide them into slippers, I am grateful that I got us home safely.  

Love Note: With all my heart, I genuinely request that due to the content written, please seek the guidance of professional help should you feel you need it.

Approaching Anxiety With Compassion

My dog has very bad anxiety.  She pants and paces around the house during thunderstorms and fireworks.  She also follows my husband and I around in circles until the noise passes.  Her doctors prescribe anti-anxiety medications.  They only help to a certain extent by calming some of her anxious behaviors.  

Being that it has been a long summer of thunderstorms and a July full of fireworks, my dog has been very unnerved more often then not.  During the last storm, I found myself at the very end of my patience with her and said, "Valerie, you are fine.  This is no big deal!  It is just a little storm and it will pass.  You will be okay."  Her little puppy dog eyes stared at me as if in disbelief that I could be so unsympathetic of her need for calm during a storm.  

As a person who suffers from anxiety, I found myself very humbled by the comments I made to my dog.  I realized that if I placed myself in her position, I would have given myself the same blank stare that my dog gave me.  This is simply because I whole-heartedly understand what it feels like to be anxious even when my thoughts may seem irrational to others.  

For example, when I was a child I burnt myself on a cookie pan in a hot oven and to this day, ovens make me feel anxious.  If I told someone that opening an oven door unnerves me, I would expect an empathetic response.  I would hope that they would ask me why it made me feel this way, and that they would help me get the food from the hot oven where it was cooking.  

However, in the oven example, if I received a similar response to that which I gave my dog during the last thunderstorm, they would probably receive a blank stare from me.  For instance, they would say "You are fine, it is just an oven.  Put your oven mitts on and take the food out!" This would not make me feel any better.  And certainly would not make me any less anxious.  

This post is not a comparison of humans to animals but a simple analogy to remind myself of the word choices that I use with others.  Instead of telling my dog she is fine, I now reach for a soft comfortable blanket and swaddle her in my arms.  This calms her nerves and her little body shakes less while she listens to the noises that make her anxious.  

And I believe that the same may be true for humans.  When I open my oven, my husband always makes sure our daughter is not running around the kitchen and my dog is not nearby.  I always double check that I have an oven mitt on, and I retrieve the food slowly from the location that scares me.  And if I am feeling overwhelmed, my husband will take the food out of the oven for me knowing that maybe my nerves are a little out of sorts that day.  

I hope you will join me in being mindful of our word choices and actions to others who struggle with a mental illness.  As someone who battles anxiety, I try very hard to be compassionate, understanding and empathetic to others who are triggered by certain instances that make them feel very uncomfortable.  And the next time you slip on your special shoes, remind yourself how loved you are and how much love you possess for others.  

Love Note: With all my heart, I genuinely request that due to the content written, please seek the guidance of professional help should you feel you need it.

Stop Using Inappropriate Apologies

I have personally spent a lot of my life apologizing for situations where I did nothing wrong.  Sometimes the "I am sorry" was the wrong word choice.  Other times the "I apologize" was because I did not wish to create conflict.  However, in both situations I either overused or misused the words.  It has taken me a long time and a lot of un-doing to turn "I'm sorry" into the appropriate use of the terminology.  

I was recently at a restaurant where people passing each other kept apologizing.  Admittedly, it was very busy and there were a lot of people within the confines of a small space.  Yet, most times where someone passed another person, an "I am sorry" flew out of someones mouth and was directed to another person.  My sociology brain began to wonder what word choice could be used instead.  Maybe something as simple as, "excuse me" or "pardon me" could have changed the verbiage of the people passing one another.  And this is when I began to think that the words "I am sorry" are sometimes the wrong word choice.  

For me, I tend to lean away from conflict not because I am shy, but because I would rather create an environment of peace than an atmosphere of resentment.  I realized recently that I apologize for even situations where I did nothing wrong simply to avoid any type of negative response.  If I am criticized, an apology is easily given from me to the other person.  Sometimes I am not even in the wrong yet I try to cultivate calmness within the confines of the conversation.  

Whether right or wrong, good or even bad, I know that I both misuse and overuse apologies.  This is something that I have spent a lot of time becoming aware of and trying desperately to change.  I try to listen to others who blossom in conflicting circumstance without an "I am sorry" but instead with appropriate use of their mature word choices.  I wonder if some of it is confidence in myself and my decisions.  However, I never wonder if high heeled shoes will provide the confidence I need to learn and grow from this change in my daily use of the words "I am sorry".  

Love Note: With all my heart, I genuinely request that due to the content written, please seek the guidance of professional help should you feel you need it.

Growing Up Was Unique

I have a unique upbringing.  I am one of 4 children.  My two older siblings are my half brother and sister.  My father was married and had two kids.  When they got divorced, my parents had my brother and I.  

Growing up in my house was a different type of experience.  My older siblings were with us every Wednesday and every other weekend, while their mother had custody of them all other days.  Yet, when my older siblings were present, my parents always treated and loved us equally.  Also, we were all one family.  This meant that we never referred to each other as "half brother" and "half sister".  Instead, if anyone asked, we were siblings and that was all that mattered.  

It was hard growing up with siblings who were not always present.  I missed my brother and sister when they were not around.  And it took me a long time to realize that my reality was not the same as other kids.  My friends had siblings who lived with them every moment of every day.  

Unique as it may have been, there were many fun summer vacations, holidays, and birthdays spent together.  And to this day, we still make it a point to get our families together twice a year including New Years and August.  We look forward to this time together, and we remain in close contact throughout the year.  

I have mentioned many times that when I put my high heeled shoes on, I remember that I have come a long way in my life's journey.  And as I share this with you, I remember that we each have a unique story to share and that our lives are intertwined versions of these unforgettable stories.  And I, for one, am so glad to have this platform to continue to share my story with all of you. 

Love Note: With all my heart, I genuinely request that due to the content written, please seek the guidance of professional help should you feel you need it.

Painting Seashells

When I was unable to work due to my mental and physical health, I felt lost and empty.  I was not sure how to identify my being in this world without working full time.  Along with job loss came a limited financial cushion.  This meant making changes to the way we did things in our daily lives to accommodate for the lack of income.


One day last summer, I was at Physical Therapy crying to my therapist while she worked on my arm.  I told her we could no longer afford summer camp and that my daughter would be staying home with me.  My Physical Therapist looked in my eyes and said, "Stacy, this is time with your daughter that you will never get back again.  Try to find ways to enjoy each moment you have with her even though this is not the way you saw your world unfolding".  

I spent a lot of last summer beating myself up for not being able to work.  I could not understand why this happened to me and why I got so sick.  I wanted nothing more than to work full time and I kept saying to myself, "I just want my life back".  

But what I did not realize is that I had a different life ahead of me.  I was evolving and becoming a different version of myself.  And this version included taking care of my daughter before and after school and during the summer.  

Together, we spend our days resting and recovering.  She goes to Physical Therapy with me twice each week.  She goes for daily walks with me around the neighborhood to support my physical health.  And she does arts and crafts with me for my mental health.  

My daughter and I paint seashells, do puzzles, read books, watch movies and do paint-by-numbers.  We do healing activities to rest our minds and bodies in preparation for whatever the future may hold.  And once in a while, I treat her to dinner out at a restaurant.  And this is when we both put on our high heels, we both wear smiles on our faces, and we both enjoy time together outside the house.  

Love Note: With all my heart, I genuinely request that due to the content written, please seek the guidance of professional help should you feel you need it.

Releasing Fear To Be Surrounded By Love

This post is a tribute to my dear friend from California who passed away suddenly.  His life and legacy lives on forever in the hearts of so many people.  


When I was 7 years old, my father was diagnosed with prostate cancer.  Initially, they gave him 6 months to live.  Yet, he battled cancer for 15 years as he went in and out of remission.  While he was fighting for his life, he told his story.  He always shared with his colleagues, his customers, his friends and his family the status of his health.  My father earned the love and support of his community through his desire to share his story.  

As his daughter, I was the opposite.  I spent my life hiding behind my fear of sharing my mental illness with anyone.  I told very few people and my story was under lock and key within the confines of my heart.  

Slowly, starting around 30 years old, I began to tell my story.  And I started to share with others what I was going through with my mental health.  I realized something very important.  I decided that I needed to share my story not only for myself but for my husband and daughter as well.  I was not the only person who needed support as I battled this illness, and I wanted to tell others what I was going through so that my whole family could have people surrounding us in love.  

I have spent my life scared.  I was scared that there would be a stigma when I told people about my mental illness.  I was afraid that no one would understand what I was going through.  And I was terrified if they found out, I would have to justify myself and my illness to others.  I let my fear tell me to hide behind closed doors.  

One of my best friends recently gave me Third Eye Chakra Affirmation cards.  And when I read one of the cards, I knew that I had to be true to myself and keep sharing my story.  I had to go beyond the confines of my fears and I needed to blog and share my posts with others.  And today, I end my post with the beauty of the reading in this card:

I see who I am.

I open myself to inner guidance & wisdom. 

Every situation is an opportunity for growth. 

I trust that my highest good is unfolding. 

I am intuitive & aligned.

I am a divine being. 

Everything I need is within me. 

I am aligned with the universe.  

I see clearly & am open to all possibilities.  

I am the source of my truth.  

My vision is clear.  

Love Note: With all my heart, I genuinely request that due to the content written, please seek the guidance of professional help should you feel you need it.

A Warrior Through Manic Episodes

Bipolar disorder can be unpredictably scary because there are two sides to the illness:  depression and mania.  My brain is more likely to resort to depression so I spend more time explaining this part of the illness.  However, I have experienced multiple manic episodes and I will use this platform to share two of my experiences with you.  

 
My first manic episode that I vividly recall was in 2012.  I went to a car dealership to buy a Fiat with no money.  I test drove the car all day and I remember calling to tell my husband, "Good news!  All the groceries fit in the back of the car even though its a small car!"  He responded, "Stacy, what car?  We did not discuss buying a new car!"  My husband made me promise to not buy anything until he arrived at the dealership.  I then recall him handing the keys of the Fiat to the sales person and apologizing to him for the inconvenience.  I cried all the way home not understanding what I had done and why I had done it.  When we arrived home, my husband put me to bed and I woke up in the morning feeling very depressed and confused.  I did not understand why I would attempt to buy a car on a whim, with no financial backing and without the support of my husband.  

My next manic episode was about a year later.  My husband had a debilitating migraine and I took him to the Emergency Department for an evaluation and medication.  We were up all night and when we got home the following morning, he went right to bed.  With no sleep and no desire to rest, I took it upon myself to pierce my own ear.  When my husband woke up from his nap, he shrieked because I had multiple safety pins coming out of my one ear.  I recall him asking what happened and why I would do this to myself and I remember responding, "It is okay.  I disinfected the needles".  He helped take out the safety pins one by one, got me a snack, and put me to bed for the remainder of the day.  I woke up very confused and my ear was throbbing.   

Manic episodes can be very confusing and scary.  They have had me crying, talking so quickly that no one could understand me and coming up with ideas that seem brilliant but yet make no common sense.  For me, I know to avoid strong caffeine, to consult my husband before making large purchases, and that I need a lot of sleep to take care of my mental health.  My brain needs to be well-balanced, well-rested, and my medications need to be taken regularly in order for my brain to function properly.  

And finally, when in doubt, I remember that I am a warrior who has overcome many obstacles.  I have felt at times like I might not make it through the storm yet I have always proved myself wrong.  I have always believed that, with my high heels on, I am more powerful than I think.  

Love Note: With all my heart, I genuinely request that due to the content written, please seek the guidance of professional help should you feel you need it.

"Constructive" Criticism

When you feel someone is criticizing you, I hope you will remember that you are a diamond and no one can break you.  

If there’s one thing I have learned about myself, it is that I do not like to be criticized.  People like to call it “constructive criticism”.  To me, this means being critiqued by someone who does or does not like the way you did a certain task.  However in my experience, it is rarely constructive and more nitpicking everything I did not do.

For me, I am not scared nor do I fear confrontation.  In fact, I love conversing with people and being heard.  I have a deep appreciation for a collaborative discussion in a space that is safely created by individuals who care about the opinions of one another.  However, this is not always the case and when the discussion is a part of certain environments, there can be negative connotations. 


When I was working, I rarely felt concerned when I had an upcoming meeting with an encouraging supervisor.  This is because I was confident the discussion would go smoothly.  And even if I had done something wrong, it would be a safe place to discuss next steps to rectifying the situation.  However, I have had two supervisors who were not nearly as kind in their words.  And they always criticized all the hard work I was doing in a negative way.  And no matter how hard I tried, my work was never up to their standards to receive a compliment.

On the other hand, I have an "online closet" where I sell clothes, shoes and jewelry.  And, as the seller, I get reviewed by buyers.  The highest rating is 5 stars and I always aim for this with each sale.  While I know I did my very best to make sure the sale was perfect, I still feel uneasy waiting to be rated.  This is because the buyer has the ability to provide feedback as to why they chose to not give you 5 stars.  And waiting for a review and the potential criticism makes me extremely uncomfortable.


Are you open to receiving constructive criticism?  Perhaps I avoid it because I truly never know if it is going to be “constructive”.  It gives me anxiety when I am not clear if I will be negatively affected by my hard work (whether in an office setting or online).  Or rather, if I’ll learn something from it and be more well-equipped to make a positive change.  Personally, I would rather wear high heels and have a collaborative conversation with someone who cares about me.  

Love Note: With all my heart, I genuinely request that due to the content written, please seek the guidance of professional help should you feel you need it.

She Is A Miracle

Our daughter is our miracle child.  Let me tell you about our journey bringing her into this world.

   
This is the conversation "I" had with myself:
I told myself I did not want children.  I told myself I could not bear a child in my own body.  I told myself I was too mentally ill to be stable enough to be a mom.  I told myself that I could be the sole reason why my mental illness was passed onto my child and I felt that was not fair to the baby. 

This is the conversation "they" had with me:

They told me I had to stop all my medications while I was pregnant.  I carried out my entire pregnancy without any mental health medication intervention.  The moment I gave birth, I was back on all my bipolar disorder medicines.  

They told me I could not breastfeed my baby.  They told me that the medications could transfer in the bloodstream to my baby through the breast milk and she could have seizures.  We bottle fed our daughter.  And to this day, watching another mother breastfeed her baby makes every part of my heart ache since I could not do that for my own daughter.  

They told us to keep a close eye on our child.  This is because we were told that bipolar disorder can be passed on through genetics.  We will monitor our daughter closely throughout her life, making her aware of mental illnesses and keeping an eye out for any "red flags" that we may see in her.  

This is the conversation that "we" had together:

We took drastic measures to make sure that we did not bring a second child into this world.  This was not done because we wanted our child to be without siblings, but instead for the health and wellbeing of myself as a woman and a mom.  This decision was for the stability of our entire family.  

We leaned into family and friends to help us raise our daughter.  We made sure that she was close to her grandparents, and they have helped us raise her.  We created a community of people who shower love onto our child as she grows up.  We continue to surround our child with close friends and family so she always feels supported.  

This is the conclusion I made based on all of the above:

My daughter wears pretty shoes to special occasions and now that she is old enough, she sometimes wears little heels.  As time goes on, I will continue to share my mental health story with her.  And she will always know that she is a miracle.  Because if my husband and I had listened to all the negative comments, her existence would not have been made possible.  And truthfully, we have defied the odds by having our little miracle and we would not want it any other way.  

Love Note: With all my heart, I genuinely request that due to the content written, please seek the guidance of professional help should you feel you need it.

When Sobriety Becomes A Necessity

Truth be told, I struggle with my relationship with alcohol.  I like the flavor and I enjoy the feeling of a buzz, but I realized that I have little control over the next steps.  I know I should stop drinking after I consume 1 or maybe 2 drinks.  Yet, I also know that once I begin, my will power to stop is limited.


The last time I drank, I did not realize the percentage of alcohol by volume until after the second drink.  And by the time I read the label, I knew it was too late.  I proceeded to let the alcohol take its course, turning me into an angry unhealthy version of myself.  The following day I knew I had to make a change and it started with ending my relationship with alcoholic beverages.

Having bipolar disorder means I am on high doses of mental health medications.  The warning labels all come equipped with “do not drink alcohol with this medicine”.  I read the labels, take note of the side effects and think, “it is only 1 drink so it will be okay”.  But when 1 drink leads to the next, I have to self-reflect on the desire to drink versus my unpleasant disposition that comes with that decision.


I made a choice to take some heavy-hearted steps towards gaining control over my desire to drink adult beverages.  I am surrounding myself with friends who also have a desire to stop drinking.  And I have found peace in knowing that this is in my best interest.


It feels daunting to think that I wish to never take a sip of an alcoholic beverage ever again.  However, I also know that I have an unending desire to change my future and so for now, I am taking one day at a time.  I am currently focusing on drinking water, lemonade, iced tea or soda.  And of course I love coffee so there’s that non-alcoholic drink of choice too!

I love who I am so I continue to wear my high heels all the time.  This is because I am still "me" as I work through my wellness journey.  And I am thankful for the support I have from friends and family through this time in my life.  

I ask you a simple question:  What will tomorrow bring for you and what changes will you make in order to learn from your past and make a conscious decision to have a different future?  For me, I am ready for a brighter sober future, and maybe for you it is something else.  But either way, I am cheering you on with love and respect.  Just remember to take one day, and sometimes one minute, at a time.

Love Note:  With all my heart, I genuinely request that due to the content written, please seek the guidance of professional help should you feel you need it.

Celebrate The Small Wins

As a person who struggles with a mental illness, I get overwhelmed easily.  I have to compartmentalize my thoughts so that I do not merge ideas and feelings together that do not belong alongside each other.  I try my best to think about one small task at a time because the larger-scale ideas are overwhelming.

When my world feels tough, like right now in this season of my life, I think through small tasks that are more simplistic and less daunting.  I break down the big ideas into bite-size pieces and process only that which I can handle in each moment.  For me, I sometimes take life one moment at a time when one minute, hour or day feels like too much for me to handle.


To me, it is important to celebrate every single small “win”.  Sometimes, the small wins are simply getting out of bed, taking a shower and making sure my daughter gets to school on time.  Other times, small wins include going for a half hour walk outside or walking on my treadmill.  And yet there are other times when small wins include making dinner for my family and doing a puzzle or playing an evening game together.  


Someday I will be ready to celebrate the big wins.  But for now, I put on my high heels, and I celebrate every single small win.  Because to me, all the small wins get me through each day and that alone is a big win.

Love Note: With all my heart, I genuinely request that due to the content written, please seek the guidance of professional help should you feel you need it.

He Had Me At "Hello"

I believe it is important to honor the people we care about the most in this world.  And I know in my heart that I have so many people who surround me with love.  But todays blog post is about one special person in particular.  He is my forever partner, my husband.  

I never met another person as loving, loyal and genuine as my husband.  When he speaks, his words are knowledgable and powerful.  His presence alone is welcoming and his body language always tells other people that it is safe to be around him.  He loves on others with such grace and he speaks eloquently with great precision in his voice.   

 

We went to college together.   When I met him, I was immediately attracted to him and when we first spoke, I knew I wanted to be his friend.  He and I had mutual acquaintances and we bumped into each other at a party one fun evening in the fall of 2005.  We spent the entirety of the following day together.  And somewhere around 10pm, amid a deep conversation about our families, I looked at him and I simply told myself these words: "I am going to marry him".

I am fortunate to have spent so much of my past with him, I lean into his wisdom in the present moments, and I cannot wait to spend every day with him in the future.  Do you believe in fairytales?  I do because I married an angel who has never left my side.


A statement by Beau Taplin: "Home is not where you are from, it is where you belong.  Some of us travel the whole world to find it. Others, find it in a person."  As for me, I am grateful that I found my home in the arms of the person I love.  I am grateful to have traveled the world not to find this person but, instead, with him.  

I would be a much different woman today without his support, patience and resilience.  His love surrounds me throughout every moment of every day, through every tear and every smile.  As I walk through this journey of life in high heeled shoes, he believes in me through all my endeavors and commends me on my bravery.  He is my person and I am forever grateful to spend this life with him.  

Love Note:  With all my heart, I genuinely request that due to the content written, please seek the guidance of professional help should you feel you need it.

Your Body Is Perfectly Precious

For me, my weight has always been a touchy subject.  Unfortunately, it is hard for me to wrap my head around the unhealthy relationship that I have had with my physical appearance over the years.  And my mental health has been affected by this.  Yet, I know deep in my soul that I am perfectly precious in every way.  


Today, I sat on the couch for an hour scrolling through social media posts on my phone, trying desperately to get my mind off of how hungry I felt.  All I could hear were their words in my mind.  The resounding, "Did you gain weight?  Did she gain weight?  Someone tell me because she looks like she gained weight" going through my brain on repeat.


I am 5'5" and currently weigh exactly 114.8lbs as of 8:35am this morning.  My highest post-adolescent weight was 185lbs during the spring of 2020.  My lowest weight was 105lbs after contracting COVID during the winter of 2023.


When I was a child, I had an elderly family member who never hugged me around my waist and back.  Instead, her hands always stopped at my hips so that she could take note, to my face, of my weight gain.  I would immediately get a comment about my outfit to remind me that my weight was being monitored.  

I have spent my entire life battling eating disorders.  In college, I went exactly 30 days drinking only water and eating exactly 3 mints per day.  I lost a lot of weight during that month but on day 31, I resorted to doughnuts and immediately gained the weight back again.  I recall one time post-college I had lost 20lbs in 3 months and was finally able to look at myself in the mirror again.  My partner said, "Is this it?  Is the battle over?  Are you finally happy with your weight?  Can you stop obsessing about it now?"  Then we got pregnant and my weight changed again.  

One of the hardest times for me is between Thanksgiving and Christmas where I know I will see the same family members twice within a short few weeks time period.  If my weight was not acceptable at Thanksgiving, I knew I had approximately 4 weeks to make it right before I saw everyone again.  The second hardest time for me is the summer.  Bathing suits have always been my enemy.  

 
Friends, the ugly cycle stops with me and it ends now.  I have a child who I refuse to allow to grow up the same way I did.  I am determined for my daughter to learn a healthy relationship with food.  And she will know that no matter what, she is beautifully perfect in my eyes.  

Today, I made a positive choice to eat while I typed this blog, contrary to the pit of shame that I feel on the inside of my stomach.  And I chose to write the words to this post not only for myself but for others who also struggle with an eating disorder.  I hope you will join me by putting on your special shoes that make you feel beautiful both inside and out.  And when you look at yourself in the mirror, may you see how perfectly precious you are in your own mind's eye.  

Love Note: With all my heart, I genuinely request that due to the content written, please seek the guidance of professional help should you feel you need it.