Love Note: With all my heart, I genuinely request that due to the content written, please seek the guidance of professional help should you feel you need it.
Every day I wake up with pride, holding my head high. Then I slip on a pair of high heels to wear for the day. I am a Bipolar Disorder survivor. This blog is about the steps that I take daily, weekly, and sometimes minute by minute to successfully live with this illness.
Wednesday, December 17, 2025
You Are "One Of One"
Love Note: With all my heart, I genuinely request that due to the content written, please seek the guidance of professional help should you feel you need it.
Wednesday, December 3, 2025
Worrying Is Like A Rocking Chair...
I am very familiar with the feelings of both worry and anxiety. And recently, I read an article that thoroughly explained the difference and similarities between the two. The article explained that while they are very different from one another, both include the brain going through "what-if" scenarios.
Growing up, a friend of mine said, "Worry is like a rocking chair. It gives you something to do. But it doesn't get you anywhere". He explained that when I was worried, my brain would spiral into every single bad scenario that could happen in the future. But he always told me to focus on the present moment and let the future unravel itself.
When I worry about every single"what if" in the future, it causes my feelings of anxiety to heighten. It allows space for my brain to spiral down a path of intangible uncertainty. And creates a lot of space for future concern while I try to live in the present moment.
The problem for me is that I feel a never-ending desire to control everything. I want to make sure that my entire life unfolds according to the way in which I feel is best for myself and my family. And by thinking through every future possibility, I tell myself that this will help me wrap my arms around every single present moment in life.
Admittedly, my desire to control everything is comforting. I allow myself to talk through all the future possibilities in order to fully prepare myself for anything that could transpire. This way of processing the potential outcomes allows me to feel like I have a grasp on how life will turn out. And this makes me feel less out of control knowing that I have tried to process what is yet to be.
However, I know deep down that this approach is unhealthy. I am fully aware that the future is unknown, and I fear what is yet to come since my past has been such a rollercoaster ride. However, trying to process every single good and bad part of the future does not allow much room for solace in the present moments.
My husband always says that he does not have to worry because I worry enough for both of us. And he is right because I worry about everything. Except more recently than not, I have been trying very hard to work on this, and take a vastly different approach to how I choose to live my life.
For instance, when my mind tries to say, "what if", I remind myself of "what is" instead. I tell myself to focus on what is here and what is real in this very moment. I work through the feelings of control by allowing myself the space to remember everything that is within reach. And by grounding my mind in what is transpiring now, I am less likely to drag myself through the murky unknown of the future.
My truth is that my future will happen whether I try to control it or not. Every day I make choices that guide the way in which my life will unfold. And I try desperately to not wallow in what will be and rather, enjoy what is here and now.
The universe unfolds in different ways for everyone. But today, I hope you will slide your feet into your high heels and simply put one foot in front of the other. Every single step takes us both towards and through each future moment. And this is how our lives unravel into a beautiful unique story.
Love Note: With all my heart, I genuinely request that due to the content written, please seek the guidance of professional help should you feel you need it.
Wednesday, November 19, 2025
Don't Ask Permission To Fly
I have discovered more recently than not, I am paranoid about other people's perceptions of my intentions. When I make a decision, it always feels like I have to justify my reasoning. Day to day, it is very hard to process these feelings. Due to my mental health and negative self-talk, I lack confidence, self esteem, and self-awareness. My brain tells me that I should not make a simple choice. Instead, it tells me to question my thoughts and motives.
I usually feel compelled to explain to others the purpose behind my positive intentions. Yet, I get mad at myself for letting my brain talk me in and out of a circle of justification for a simple decision in a given situation. Is it helpful to have an explanation? Sure. But is it necessary to give a detailed analysis of my mental processes? No, not always. Therefore, I have to regularly remind myself that I do not need to explain my rationale that supports my choices. My intentions are always pure and my reasons are genuine, real, and important.
Recently, my friend told me that I should be more confident and less concerned with the opinions of others. She said that my thoughts are relative to what I assume other people might be thinking. So she gave me an analogy to put this into perspective:
Wednesday, November 12, 2025
Healthy Boundaries
It has taken me a very long time to realize how important it is to set healthy boundaries. Moreover, I have learned that I do not owe the other person an explanation of the boundaries which I have chosen to set in place. And finally, implementing my decision to set boundaries has lifted multiple layers of unhealthy feelings that I have kept deep inside.
Love Note: With all my heart, I genuinely request that due to the content written, please seek the guidance of professional help should you feel you need it.
Wednesday, October 22, 2025
Self-Isolation
It is not easy to have a mental illness when the bipolar and anxiety tell me to self-isolate. Maybe that is called self-preservation. Yet, talking about this makes me feel like I am losing a battle to my brain. I also know that sometimes it is okay to not be okay. And it is important to find a safe space to be alone.
When my brain tells me to be alone, I always try to make sure I am with one "safe" person. I might be in my bedroom by myself, but I am not in my home alone. There is a loved one in the house with me even if they are not in the same room as me. If I absolutely have to be alone, I have a "favorites" list of people on my phone who are close family and friends that I can immediately call if I am starting to feel less-than-okay.
When I am ready to go out of the house, I find myself trying to find safe places and joyful people to be around. I might go to lunch with my family, or meet my best friend at the library. These are my people. They love me for who I am, and they surround me with their unconditional support.
During times of despair, being alone feels sad and dark. But when I am not okay, most of the time I find solace in my bed, and I take a nap. This provides the extra sleep that my mind and body need in order to heal.
A few days ago, I was in bed all morning while my husband worked from home. I dragged myself out of bed to walk my dog around the block. I thought, why not put on a pair of 2 inch heels to walk the dog? I did this to remind myself that my morning was rough, but my evening was going to be better. When I got home, ironically I had the biggest blister on my pinky toe! Welp, I tried. And sometimes, we still get blisters in our special shoes even with the best of intentions.
Love Note: With all my heart, I genuinely request that due to the content written, please seek the guidance of professional help should you feel you need it.
Wednesday, October 8, 2025
Conquering The Darkness
Every time I think I am starting to do really well, I feel like life slaps me in the face. I know that having health issues comes with ups and downs, and it seems that the highs are very bright and the lows are very dark. This is bipolar disorder and this is my reality.
While I was in the hospital, I was roughly 3 hours away from getting discharged. My in-patient psychiatrist and I spoke with my husband to make sure I would be safe when I arrived at home. We discussed all of my discharge needs as the staff prepared me to leave the hospital.
Before I left, I looked at my healthcare team and I said:
"Thank you. Thank you for everything. I appreciate all your help, support and guidance. And I am so grateful to be stable and well enough to go home".
The psychiatrist looked at me with a gentle smile and said:
"While I appreciate and will gladly take the compliment, I want you to also be proud of yourself. Because you did all the hard work. We can guide you but you have to put in the effort. And you did. We are confident as we prepare to send you home".
This was a reminder to me that being honest with my husband and telling him, "I am not okay. I need help" was brave. This is a reminder to me that putting in the work to get stable is also brave. And finally, this is a reminder to me that even when my brain becomes dark, my confidence in my ability to heal is very brave.
I believe that we will all face very hard times in life. Some of these times may be very difficult. But having the courage to ask for help and being able to conquer the darkness is something to be very proud of. And as I slide my feet in my high heels, I am reminded of how brave I truly am.
Love Note: With all my heart, I genuinely request that due to the content written, please seek the guidance of professional help should you feel you need it.
Wednesday, September 24, 2025
My Healing Journey Because I Refuse To Quit
Grandma's way of finding out how I am really feeling is beyond the superficial. It digs deep into my heart and reminds me that I can be honest with her. She loves me unconditionally and does not judge where I am in my life. Instead, she encourages me to keep going beyond my momentary struggles, and look at the greater picture of taking care of myself.
Right now, healing to me is simply one moment at a time. And when my brain tells me negative thoughts, I think about them for a moment without dwelling them. Instead, I have found simple ways of healing as I refuse to quit during this long road to recovery.
Recently, I have grown fond of doing puzzles. I like to focus on the shapes and colors as I slowly and gradually put together each piece. Finding its rightful place in the 750 or 1,000 piece puzzle helps me see the bigger picture. And the end result of finishing it is very satisfying.
I make time to rest and take naps. Some days, I feel strong enough to walk around my neighborhood for about 15-20 minutes. I also like to read books. Sometimes, I have to re-read paragraphs in order to process the words on the page to make sense of the story. However, these are all small steps in my journey towards recovery.
And once in a while, I take a deep breath and I slide my feet into my high heel shoes. Even if I am simply going to the grocery store, I feel a sense of comfort and confidence in my heels. Before getting into the car, I look up at the sky, and I take in a deep breath of fresh air. And with each step, I will continue to move forward. This reminds me that I am growing stronger each day and that I refuse to quit as I continue my journey of healing.
Wednesday, September 10, 2025
Hospitalized To Become Stable Again
I know it’s been a while since I last wrote. Truth be told, I have been really sick. My psychiatrist and I needed to change my medications because my anxiety was worsening. However, negative side effects of the new medications far outweighed the ability for the medication to help me. Therefore, we needed to stop them immediately.
In the hospital, I wrote a poem:
Floor 7 North
I am not alone.
The other patients have become my friends.
We heal together.
We talk in group sessions.
We share our stories.
We have nurses and doctors.
All the staff takes care of us.
Sometimes we listen to music.
We are the psychiatric unit.
To those we love, we are family members and friends.
Our illnesses do not define us.
I spent 8 days in 7 North. I got help. I started healing. I went home with hope. I remain resilient and encouraged.
Outside of the hospital I have felt dazed and confused. I feel lightheaded. I still cry a lot. However, the doctor said it would take 2-3 weeks for the medications to take full effect. I am glad to be alive, stable and home.
Wednesday, July 30, 2025
Self-Love
Wednesday, July 16, 2025
Becoming A Butterfly
I love butterflies. And I am always touched by the gentle reminder that a butterfly was once a caterpillar. The process and journey of the caterpillar becoming a butterfly is so beautiful to me.
Earlier today I was reflecting on the term and concept of "to become" or "becoming". To me, in order to try to become an evolved version of myself means that I have to therefore accept where I am in the present. And by accepting where I am, I allow space for myself to see where I can potentially be in the future. I feel like this is a beautiful theory, yet my reflection on this made me stumble upon a recent example in my own life.
In 2020, during the beginning of the pandemic, I set a goal to run a 5k, which is roughly 3.11 miles. I even went as far as to buy a "virtual race kit" to accomplish this goal. Upon completion of running the 5k, I was supposed to post pictures on the race website and earn a medal that was mailed to me. So, I started training for the run.
My grandfather used to say, "If it wasn't for bad luck, I wouldn't have any luck at all" and he was right. About 6 months into training, I ran my way into a back injury. This paused my training and took the excitement out of the idea. One year later, I contracted COVID for the first time and became extremely ill. And then after two major surgeries and getting COVID for the second time, I finally began a journey to becoming physically healthy again. Yet, approximately 5 years later, I had yet to accomplish my goal.
3 months ago, I looked at my husband with tears rolling down my face. I told him that all I wanted to do was run this 5k before my birthday. We discussed my physical health, including my limited lung capacity, and my psychological health of the constantly lingering depression. These health issues were keeping me from accomplishing my goal that I wanted so badly to pursue.
Knowing that I wanted to become a stronger version of myself, my husband helped me map out a way to obtain my goal of running a 5k before the end of July 2025. And so, my journey began. I started off as a little caterpillar. I walked half a mile a day for weeks. And I slowly added a little jogging into my routine. My walking turned into jogging and my jogging turned into running. My lungs, legs and arms grew stronger and my mental health was also reaping the benefits of body movement for 45minutes a day 3 to 4 days a week.
This past Sunday, I ran my very first 5k. I took my time, I paced myself, and I did a lot of positive self talk. In that moment, I felt like I finally became a butterfly. When my daughter presented me with my medal, it felt like 5 years of accomplishment hanging around my neck.
So much of me felt stagnant for years. But when I was finally healthy enough to think about becoming a mentally and physically stronger version of myself, I was able to meet a 5-year goal. I honored
who I was and became the person I wanted to be.
When I am not wearing high heels, I am wearing running sneakers. And both make me feel just as beautiful. And I am gently reminded that in order to become a stronger version of the person I currently am, I have to honor the caterpillar I am in the present moment while preparing for the butterfly I want to be in the future.
Wednesday, July 9, 2025
How Do You Perceive Yourself
It is my belief that how you perceive yourself is not the same way in which others perceive you. Take a moment and look at the picture in this post. If what you see in the mirror is only the straight-forward view of yourself, then you are not looking at the rest of your beautiful self. There is so much more to you than just one view. And other people have the ability to see beauty in you that you do not see in yourself.
When I look in the mirror, I perceive myself to be someone who is pretty on the outside, and yet I am sad on the inside. This is because I battle bipolar disorder. Therefore, I know it is important to take care of myself.
For these reasons, I like to wear jeans or nice pants and a fun shirt to compliment the look. And if you know me, you will most likely see me sporting a pair of high heel shoes. I feel good when I dress nicely. Even though I may not feel confident inwardly, it makes me want to hold my head up high. While clothes and shoes do not define who I am, I choose to look good on the outside to contrast my inner-most feelings of negative self-worth.
On the other hand, a pair of yoga pants and sneakers feels really good sometimes, too. And there is nothing wrong with sweat pants and flip flops. This is a no-judgement zone for you to find comfort in who you are as a person, no matter how you perceive yourself.
I hope that today and always you shine both on the inside and outside. You are beautiful no matter what you wear. This is because you are perfectly you.
Love Note: With all my heart, I genuinely request that due to the content written, please seek the guidance of professional help should you feel you need it.
Wednesday, July 2, 2025
I Will Never Leave Your Side
Wednesday, June 18, 2025
I Am Not Settling For Less
I. Am. Not. Settling. For. Less. I am not settling for less. I, personally, am not settling for less. I will not beg others to choose me. I will not beg others to choose me. I, personally refuse to beg anyone else to choose me. Instead, I will shine bright like a diamond until I am found.
When I reflect on this, I remember that my life is mine to live. For example, my worth is not based on the acceptance of others. Their feelings towards my successes does not directly align with the person I have become throughout my own life's journey. And I refuse to settle knowing full well that first and foremost, I choose me. And I will keep shining despite how others perceive who I was and the woman I have yet to become.
Thursday, June 12, 2025
You Get To Decide
You get to decide.
You are not your pain. You are not your mistakes. You are not your childhood, your heartbreaks, or the people who couldn't love you right. You are what you chose to do with all of it.
Every habit you've picked up, every fear you carry, every wall you've built, it all came from somewhere. And while it makes sense that you learned to protect yourself the way you did, it's also okay to unlearn. To question. To shift. To grow. You're allowed to rewrite the story.
Just because life handed you broken pieces doesn't mean you can't build a masterpiece. So take your pain. Take your lessons. Take all the messy, raw, unfiltered parts of your journey, and turn them into power. Into wisdom. Into purpose.
The past shaped you. But you define you. Your story isn't over. You're just getting started.
-Written by 3am thoughts
It is amazing to me how much I have learned from my past. It is the opportunity for me to reflect on what I did, and where I was at different stages of my life. Yet, while I know I can look back, I am also aware that remaining stagnant in the past can be unhealthy.
As I honor where I came from, I use this to mold where I am going. I can pick up the broken pieces and choose to make them into something beautiful. This will support everything that the future holds for me. It is so important to look ahead at what can be so precious as it unfolds in different ways.
I fear being stuck in the situations of my past. And, at the same time, I want to find a balance where I chose to not look too far ahead to where I am going in the future. And today, as I slipped my feet into my high heeled shoes, I remember all that I am and the woman I will look forward to becoming.
Love Note: With all my heart, I genuinely request that due to the content written, please seek the guidance of professional help should you feel you need it.
Wednesday, June 4, 2025
Stronger Than You Think
It was a Monday at 2:30pm. I woke up with a migraine and it refused to go away. My head was pounding and my heart was distraught. By 2:31pm, I finally pulled myself out of bed. And by 2:32pm, I got myself to the sink to brush my teeth and wash my face. 2:33pm brought an onset of tears that just wouldn't stop.
I have had chronic migraines since 2018, when I started a job with great levels of executive visibility and management scrutiny. All my work was watched, reviewed and processed with a fine-tooth comb. And with every project, a new headache would appear. The pressure was immense and the internal workings of my brain suffered greatly. The migraines have not subsided since that time in my life.
With my head still snuggled into my towel and the tears still flowing, I said to myself, "Stop. That is enough. Wipe your tears. We have a day to finish." At 2:35pm, my face was dry and I was staring at my clock. It was time to get changed, have a cup of coffee and push through yet another migraine. But this time, it was different because even though it was hard, I knew I was stronger than I gave myself credit for.
Maybe you will go through minutes that are very tough. And sometimes it feels like it will never end and the pain will never stop. But I remain hopeful that even through the tears, there is light in resilience. There is strength beyond the pain. And there is perseverance through the struggle. And maybe, we are all stronger than we think.
Wednesday, May 28, 2025
If You're Happy And You Know It!
Wednesday, May 21, 2025
No Patience Left
Wednesday, May 14, 2025
You Mean Something To Someone
I recently read, "Be The Reason Someone Feels... supported, seen, valued, welcomed, heard and loved". And this simply and subtly shook my world. Knowing full well that I have the ability to care about someone so much that they feel seen and valued makes me feel so important to the people around me. It makes me want to be a better version of myself because I live in a world where I can have a positive affect on other people. And so can you because you mean something to someone.
I was at the supermarket the other day and I ran into an old friend. He walked right up to me and said, "Hi! Oh my goodness I was thinking of you earlier today! I feel like I haven't seen you in a while. I am so glad I ran into you today and that you are okay." I embraced him with a huge hug and told him I was so grateful that the world brought us together. A simple "hello" meant so much to both of us. Before we left and went our own ways, I said, "Thank you for thinking of me and caring about me".
It meant so much to me that I came to mind for a friend earlier in the day. The simple fact that he thought of me means that he cares. And since the world brought us together, he was able to have the opportunity to tell me how much he missed me. He let me know that he cared enough about me that I was on his mind. And that I was a part of his world because friends leave impacts on the lives of one another.
That night, I was talking to my husband and shared with him who I saw at the grocery store. And as I was telling the story, it sat heavily on my heart that in that moment, I meant something to someone. And you mean something to someone, too.
There are people in your life that mean the world to you and you mean the world to them. This person has a special impact upon your life. Sometimes this is a best friend, a family member or someone you just met for the first time. Maybe you talk to them all the time. Other times, it is a person you see less frequently but they care about you more than you could ever imagine.
Today as you put your high heels on, I hope you will also snuggle a warm smile into your heart knowing that you matter. You matter to someone who cares very deeply about your presence in this enormous world. You, my friend, mean something to someone out there who loves you and cares about you very much.
LOVE PEOPLE LOUDLY.
Tell them often.
Cheer them on as they go after their goals.
Hug them (if they like hugs) every chance you get.
No one ever got to the end of their life and thought,
"I wish I'd left more people wondering about how much I cared."
By Lori Descene
Love Note: With all my heart, I genuinely request that due to the content written, please seek the guidance of professional help should you feel you need it.
Wednesday, May 7, 2025
The Gift Of Time
Wednesday, April 23, 2025
Be Fierce And Courageous
Today I was struck with the word "fierce". So, I looked it up and one of the many definitions of the word is, "showing a heartfelt and powerful intensity". When I think of this word, I envision a person who is strong, proud, passionate and ready to face any situation head-on.
I coupled this word with "courage". And this means, "having mental or moral strength to venture, persevere, and withstand danger, fear or difficulty". Being courageous can be incredibly difficult, but the end result of persevering through a given situation can be extremely beautiful.
My daughter recently said, "Mommy, we all have to find a way to be fierce. But being fierce is not about being the best. It is about having the courage to do what you want to do." I would lovingly argue that my 10-year-old is wise beyond her age, and she is intelligent enough to implement her comment.
Thursday, April 17, 2025
Do Not Clip Their Wings, Add Feathers
Love Note: With all my heart, I genuinely request that due to the content written, please seek the guidance of professional help should you feel you need it.
Wednesday, April 9, 2025
Hobbies We Unwrap Are Gifts To Others
Growing up, I had a few simple hobbies. My grandmother taught me how to sew and I would make clothes for my dolls. And my mom taught me how to crochet. Together, my mom and I made blankets and scarves. While these hobbies were enjoyable, nothing really stuck out to me that I did often, just for myself.
I feel like a hobby is a little gift that we offer ourselves for simple pleasures or even relaxation. A few examples of hobbies are playing a musical instrument, knitting, reading, walking, coloring, writing or doing yoga. And these hobbies can turn into gifts when we bless others with them. For instance, a person who knits may gift others with scarves. Or a person who plays a musical instrument may play in a band.
Do you have a hobby? How long have you done your hobby? What excites you most about this hobby? Now that you have one in mind, what about this activity gives you pleasure, peace and a sense of simple soulful purpose? And if you are open to sharing this hobby with others, what are some ways that you can unwrap your gift and make it a habit?
Recently, I was talking to my counselor about my hobbies. I personally like to go for walks and color. And I still like to sew as well. But, he asked me point blank, "What is your gift and how do you unwrap it?" And I knew immediately that I am already using my hobby of writing, making it a habit and sharing it as a gift to others through my blog.
Wednesday, April 2, 2025
Being A Mommy To Lots Of Plants
Love Note: With all my heart, I genuinely request that due to the content written, please seek the guidance of professional help should you feel you need it.
Wednesday, March 26, 2025
The Glass Is Refillable
Wednesday, March 19, 2025
A Cancer Roller Coaster
When I was 7 years old, my father was diagnosed with prostate cancer. At the time, the doctors estimated he would live 6 more months. My father fought through radiation and chemotherapy. He went to some of the best hospitals in the area for second opinions to get the support that he needed to stay alive. Beyond the 6 month diagnosis, we were blessed with 15 years of my father going in and out of remission before cancer took his life. There is not a day that goes by that I do not think about and miss my father.
























