Don't Follow In My Footsteps

 

I read something recently that stated, "I hope my child will follow in my footsteps".  This quote is very honorable in many ways.  Yet, I tend to feel a bit differently about my daughter.  This is because I want her to create her own path with her own footsteps.  I will hold her hand along the way, but I do not want her to follow me.

So to my daughter I say to you, "Don't follow in my footsteps, my child.  Create your own path".  I will always support you, and I will always love you.  With every step you take, I will guide you with all my heart, knowledge and wisdom.  And while I walk beside you, I know you will find your own way in this world. 

I will hold your hand, my little one.  I will create space for you to be yourself.  I will do my best to never put out the fire in your soul.  And I will help you grow through your own journey in life.  When problems arise, I will be by your side to help you through them.  I will never leave you because I will always be with you.  And I know that you will continue to blossom.  I cannot wait to watch you show the world the way in which you glow!  

I want you to know that I look forward to watching you slide your feet into your own high heeled shoes.  And I am excited to continue to go through life with you by my side.  My precious daughter, be courageous, and be a brave warrior as you walk your own path.  Go forward steadfastly showing the world everything wonderful that you have to offer.  

-Words by Rebecca

Brave girl, 

Walk your own path.

You don't have to fill anyone else's shoes.  

You were never meant to become a copy of someone else. 

You were created with your own dreams,

your own gifts, 

your own beautiful way of seeing the world. 

Be kind.

Be curious. 

Be true to your heart. 

And if the road you choose looks different

from everyone around you,

walk it anyway. 

Because the world does't need another 

version of someone else.

It needs you.

Love Note: With all my heart, I genuinely request that due to the content written, please seek the guidance of professional help should you feel you need it.

Maybe If I Don't Do It...

 

It is both interesting and unique to have a brain that tells you what not to do rather than encouraging you to do something instead.  For example:

"Maybe if I don't go outside of my house..."

"Maybe if I don't go on a trip..."

"Maybe if I don't go out with a friend..."

Maybe, just maybe, if I don't do anything other than my normal day-to-day routine, I will stay comfortable within the confines of my own environment.  Because, this is where I feel peaceful and safe.  Therefore, I have less anxiety and minimal opportunity for mental and emotional challenges.  

Dinner with a friend sounds like an enjoyable experience.  So, I make plans.  And then I try to find every excuse possible to cancel my plans.  However, this is not because I do not want to see my friend.  But rather, I am more calm, confident and secure at my house.  And the feeling of psychological safety far outweighs any uplifting feelings of the plans I intended to have.  

It is hard to explain the relief in canceled plans without understanding my anxiety, depression and mania.  Something as simple as clothes shopping at a mall can spiral into an overwhelmed, over-stimulated situation.  And this can abruptly offer an unfortunate opportunity for me to have a manic episode.  Therefore, my brain is completely comfortable with a "maybe if I don't do it..." mentality.  This is the part of my life that says "staying home is safer than leaving it".  

However, I work on this all the time, because I know how important it is to make and keep plans.  Also, I know that I can find peace in discomfort because there can be psychological growth in the unknown.  Sometimes, it is healthy for me to process the fear and then pursue the activity.  

I also take great pride in my relationships.  And therefore, I feel a sense of security when I am around certain people that I know and love.  And when that respect is reciprocated, there is a gentle peace and grace that lies in the opportunity to spend time with them.   

Finally, I make sure that I have a safety plan in place incase anything makes me uncomfortable.  For instance, my husband is always aware of my current location.  My best friend's phone number is saved in my "favorites".  And, if I need a break, my car is a safe place to sit and regroup.

I find encouragement in making plans but get discouraged when my brain tells me to cancel them.  However, when I keep my scheduled arrangements, I make sure to have a safety plan in place.  This offers me physical support when I might be in psychological distress.  And, as always, putting on my high heels gives me a confidence boost to put one foot in front of the other and move beyond my comfort zone.

Love Note: With all my heart, I genuinely request that due to the content written, please seek the guidance of professional help should you feel you need it.

A New Roof

 

Recently, we had a new roof installed on our house.  The very first conversation I had was with the Project Manager.  I clearly stated, "With all due respect, I want you to know that I plan on micromanaging this entire roof re-build".  He looked at me without hesitation and said, "I would not expect anything less.  The roof covers your house.  It protects you and your family.  I want you to work with me today to make sure it is done correctly."  

Over a long period of time, we started to notice that our current roof began to have multiple problems.  For example, we saw that the plywood had holes which opened directly into the attic.  Also, it became a game that after every snow or rain storm, we would walk around the house and play, "pick up shingles that fell on the ground".  We found that the shingles were disintegrating, and there were roofing particles in the gutters and on the yard.  We finally reached the point where we were very concerned that we would have leaks and water damage.  And, we knew that it would only get worse.  

In my conversation with the Project Manager, he was right in that the roof is the top foundation of the house.  This is because it covers all the framework that supports our house.  And most importantly, without the roof, there is no home for us to live in.  

When working through how we were going to afford the new roof, my husband said, "Food, water and shelter for our family are priorities.  And without a reliable roof, I do not feel confident in sheltering us."  So, we diligently worked through a plan on how to make this project successful.  

In looking back, I can honestly say that I took my roof for granted.  I never thought about how important it was to have a roof on my house to protect my family from all the elements.  And now that it is replaced, it holds so much more meaning to me.  This is because I now feel an elevated level of blessings in my life.  

Therefore, I feel strongly that I am blessed for my family to not only have food and water, but also adequate shelter.  Today, I wear my high heels as a reminder of all these blessings that I have in my life.  I am grateful to have a new roof to support the foundation of my house.  Since the the structure is now reliable, it is a safe home for my family. 

Love Note: With all my heart, I genuinely request that due to the content written, please seek the guidance of professional help should you feel you need it.

Wildflowers, Butterflies And Rainbows

 

As a young child, I often had a difficult time falling asleep.  My brain would wonder in circles trying to figure out how to process the events from the day.  And I would spiral into a never-ending cycle of thoughts.  

The nights that I could not fall asleep, it felt as if my brain was going for a run on a treadmill.  As it cycled around and around, I would not be able to get off this hypothetical treadmill.  And when I would finally sleep, I did not feel well-rested the next day.  

As a witness to my struggles and in an effort to help, my brother made me a CD.  It was filled with 45 minutes of ocean waves, and I would listen to it before going to bed.  Sometimes listening to the waves would guide my mind into a calmer place and help me to fall asleep.  

I also found imagery to be helpful.  As I lay my head on my pillow, I felt it was important to have positive images in my mind.  This helped me to focus my brain on happy, gentle thoughts as I tried to fall asleep.  For example, I would close my eyes and imagine a field of wildflowers.  Flying above the flowers were always butterflies.  And high in the sky was a rainbow.  I would imagine myself in the field walking slowly through the flowers as the butterflies fluttered their wings gently overhead.  And the sunshine illuminated the rainbow.  

In addition to this imagery, over the years I have learned other strategies to help me fall asleep.  I use various cell phone apps that have gentle calming sounds of rain, waves and lullabies to help relax my brain.  I have also tried meditation, yoga and tai chi before tucking myself into bed.    

When I crave sleep but my mind will not let me rest, these various techniques help keep me calm as I lay my head on my pillow.  The inability to fall asleep can be very discouraging.  Without sleep, the next day can be long.  However, every night I try to fill my mind with wildflowers, butterflies and rainbows.  

Love Note: With all my heart, I genuinely request that due to the content written, please seek the guidance of professional help should you feel you need it.

It Still Hurts, Part 2

I was recently asked, "When do you plan on going back to work?"  To which I replied, “My health reminds me that unfortunately I am not ready yet”.  Because, the truth is, it still hurts.  I am both mentally and physically still struggling with my health.  


In 2012, I was formally diagnosed with Bipolar Disorder.  I was initially told I had Major Depression, but manic episodes quickly changed the diagnosis.  Living my life with a combination of mania and depression has been extremely challenging.  Psychological stabilization has included multiple hospitalizations and numerous medication changes.  While I have survived some of the darkest days of my life, this is not the only health battle that I face.   

Since 2018, I have suffered from Chronic Migraines.  Every 3 months I undergo botox treatments, and I give myself a maintenance injection every 30 days.  And finally, at the onset of a migraine that starts quickly and suddenly, I take a medication.  This is because I can feel the excruciating pain behind my eyes moving into my head.  They are disruptive and debilitating.  

To further explain the current state of my health, I have lived with the effects of Long Covid since December of 2022.  A team of medical experts monitor and support me at a local Long Covid Clinic.  The main symptoms I now live with include chronic fatigue, anxiety and brain fog.  

So, am I working again?  No.  Due to multiple illnesses being addressed at once, I spend a large portion of my daily life going to various doctors appointments.  And when time allows, I take long naps because having chronic fatigue can make it unbearable to function without one.  

The support from my doctors helps to keep me stable.  And at the same time, I also practice various forms of self-care to support my healthcare journey.  For example, I make it a point to drink a lot of water and eat healthy foods.  I love to do paint-by-numbers, I read books and articles, and I take time to do as much physical activity as my health allows.  

However, It. All. Still Hurts.  Yet, I choose to not live my life with the pain defining the woman that I have become.  Instead, I push forward through every challenge that presents itself.  And when I am well enough, I slide my feet into my high heels and do the best I can with every day that I am blessed to have.

Love Note: With all my heart, I genuinely request that due to the content written, please seek the guidance of professional help should you feel you need it.

It Still Hurts, Part 1

I get teased for taking multiple trips to the grocery store each week.  I make up a lot of excuses as to why.  For example, needing fresh bread, forgetting to get milk or picking up fresh vegetables.  But the hidden truth is that I do all of this because my neck and arm still hurt.  


In March of 2024, I had my second major surgery at Johns Hopkins to sever one of the muscles causing excruciating pain down my left arm.  Thoracic Outlet Syndrome (TOS) is not for the faint of heart.  And even after 2 years of rehabilitation and recovery, I still feel the effects.


I will never forget sitting in my doctors office 4 months post-operation explaining to my doctor that my left arm was still causing me shooting and throbbing pain.  He explained that I will only ever become 80% healed.  The other 20% is nerve damage that I’ll suffer for the rest of my life.


So yes, I take multiple trips a week to the grocery store.  But mainly because pushing a heavy shopping cart and lifting grocery bags is still painful.  Also, I do not like long car rides because the position of sitting in the seat causes shooting pain down my arm.  And I sit on my couch in a straight forward upright position to watch television.  I do this because it is the only way I can tolerate the pain that twisting my neck sideways or upward causes.  

Am I grateful for the 80%?  With all my heart, yes.  But do I still suffer daily from the 20%?  Absolutely.


I try not to talk about the pain that TOS causes me anymore.  Instead, I tolerate it and I adjust my life accordingly to live and manage it.  When it hurts, I stretch my arm and shoulder like my physical therapist showed me.  I change pillows regularly to sleep with less pain.  And, I started taking private lessons for activities that help strengthen my arms to support my neck and shoulder.


Still, I remain encouraged and grateful for the good days and pain-free moments.  And, I add a little spice to my life by wearing my high heels to go buy bread!  Because, when it’s all said and done, I do my best to be present while still silently struggling with TOS 2 years later.

Love Note: With all my heart, I genuinely request that due to the content written, please seek the guidance of professional help should you feel you need it.

The Courage To "Roar"

 

One of my friends is passionate about saving the lives of innocent animals.  She has been working diligently on a project to help end animal poaching.  It is an honor for me to be a witness to her hard work and dedication.  

To me, this project is a huge undertaking.  At strictly face value, when I look at her, I see a beautiful petite young lady.  However, on the inside, she is strong, fierce and brave.  Through her hard work and dedication, I can see that helping animals transforms her into a leader.  

In one of our recent conversations, my friend said, "You'll never know if you have the courage to be a lion if you don't try to roar".  

She explained to me that being courageous is important for her.  Her mindset about who she is as a person is everything when it comes to facing and working through challenges.  For instance, if a cat only ever tries to "meow" then it will always be perceived as a soft, small and cuddly animal.  On the contrary, a cat who has the courage to "roar" is a reflection of a strong, fierce and brave lion.  Therefore, their outer-most self is now a seamless reflection of the courage they possess.  

At the end of our conversation, my friend said that, through her eyes, I am a lion.  She stated that high heeled shoes have given me the courage to "roar".  While some people may see them as a superficial means in which to be beautiful, I wear them to represent confidence and empowerment.  

As my friend and I reflect on ourselves, I encourage others to do the same.  Ask yourself, "Do I have the courage to "roar"?  What gives me motivation, boosts my confidence and transforms me into a lion?"  Some people I know are runners and as soon as they slide their feet into their sneakers, they are ready to face challenges with strength and purpose.  Other people love to travel the world because this gives them excitement and hope.  And yet for others, sitting behind the wheel of their dream sports car makes them feel serene and stress-free.  

This cat and lion metaphor was a powerful way for me to reflect on my courageous mentality.  For so many years, I refused to look at myself in the mirror, let alone try to speak positive truth into my daily life.  But I appreciate my friend's perspective and want to try and lean into my inner lion a little bit more.  And I hope today, that you will take a moment to remember that you too possess the courage to "roar".  

Love Note: With all my heart, I genuinely request that due to the content written, please seek the guidance of professional help should you feel you need it.

Why High Heels?

 

Arguably, I feel as if there should not be a limit on the amount of shoes I buy!  Much to my husbands dismay, I also think there should be a line item in our budget for “special shoes”!  Shall we call it an obsession?  No!  But it is definitely a fun hobby where my feet, outfits and mental well-being benefit.  Since companies make shoes in various styles, colors, shapes and sizes, I am never fearful of an inevitable end to my shoe collection.  


To me, what I wear on my feet does not represent just fun and beauty, it also hold a much deeper meaning.  This is because shoes are a symbol to remind me to put one foot in front of the other, even when life wants me to stand still and not move at all.  Being a bipolar disorder survivor, I face highs and lows associated with this mental illness.  And each time I slide my feet into my high heels, I am encouraged to take one step at a time to get through each moment of the day.  

But, you may ask yourself, "Why shoes"?  And my response is as follows:

The unhealthy lows of bipolar disorder tell my brain that it is best to stay in bed.  However, when I can overcome the depression and slide my feet out of bed and onto the floor, I immediately wear slippers.  I cover my feet to surround them with encouragement to begin my day.  On days that I am well enough, my slippers turn into a shoe that will take me outside.  And those shoes are usually high heels encouraging me to be confident as I step foot outside the confines of my comfort zone and into the world of many unknowns.  

Some days are easier than others to get out of bed.  Often times, my feet only make their way into slippers.  But on several occasions, I am able to slide my feet into high heels and make my way outside of my house.  If I simply get of bed and do stay-at-home self care, or I venture outside the comfort of my home, I remain encouraged.  I offer myself grace on the rough days and shoes add a confidence boost to the healthy days.  

For me, shoes are a reminder that with one foot in front of the other, I can always move forward no matter what life throws in my direction.  Whether it is with one simple pair of shoes or a different shoe for every occasion, I know that an illness cannot hold me back.  So with each step I take, I remain filled with hope.  And I place one foot in front of the other as I move through life one moment at a time in my high heels. 

 

Love Note: With all my heart, I genuinely request that due to the content written, please seek the guidance of professional help should you feel you need it.

Warriors Of Love

Warriors of Love

Written by my daughter

Age 10 years old

“Love is something you receive and give.  Love needs to be cared for.  Love can hurt, but if you push through all that tough pain, you’ll find all the good funny tingling wonderful sensations.


But, the "Warriors of Love" can do this best out of anyone.  You just don’t wake up a warrior, and it isn’t passed through generations.  Instead, Warriors of Love just simply love fully and care deeply.  They give to others even when it’s tough.


Maybe that warrior of love is you.  If you say “I’m a Warrior of Love” yet don’t act on it, then you probably aren’t.  This is because the warriors are the ones who don’t know that they themselves have this quality.  They have inner strength and they just love on others because it feels good.


The love warriors are the ones who make this world a better place.  There is no need to ask yourself if you are or are not this kind of person.  Because if you wish for it but don’t work for it, then maybe it’s not you.  Do not ask yourself about it. Don’t wish for love to happen.  Instead, just do it and act on it.”


After she wrote and read this to me, I said, “sweetheart, who is an example of a Warrior of Love in your life?”  With a thoughtful pause, she said, “Mommy, I think you are.  You love others with all your heart even when maybe they don’t love you back.  And you love with your whole heart and don’t ask for anything in return.”

The words of my daughter made me feel seen.  This is because I felt like she acknowledged my outward expression of love.  Maybe you don’t realize it, but someone else sees you as a Warrior of Love in their lives.  

My daughters words are a pertinent expression of how she feels, and how she relates to the love she witnesses in her life.  I am honored to be viewed as Warrior of Love.  And as we all slide our feet into our high heels, I hope you will be reminded of someone who made you feel seen and loved as well.  

Love Note: With all my heart, I genuinely request that due to the content written, please seek the guidance of professional help should you feel you need it.

The Life I Have Chosen To Create

 

Twenty years ago, my husband and I started dating.  In the midst of our celebration, I was asked, "If you could do it all over again, would you go back twenty years and still choose the same path?  Would you still spend twenty years with this same person?"  While I was certainly taken aback by the blunt questions, my response came without hesitation, "I would change nothing about my decision to date him.  The life we have created together is an honor.  And I am so glad that I get to live it with him by my side".  

If there is one thing that I know about myself, it is that I do not settle.  I have always been a strong-willed, independent person.  From a young age, I took the initiative to learn new things about life.  For any unanswered questions that lingered in my mind, I sought out the answers on my own.  I was never afraid to be myself even through adversity during my days at school.  And I grew up in a supportive family that gave me the freedom to discover life on my own terms. 

Have I been through a lot of unpleasant circumstances throughout my life?  Yes, of course.  But challenges never stopped me from pushing forward and unfolding the life I have chosen to create.  For me, difficulties provide experiences that cause me to persevere even more.  

I have had to push the "restart" button more than once in my life.  I have needed to pause, take a deep breath and reconvene with myself.  More times than I can remember, life has thrown me obstacles that have made me change the course of my desired outcomes.  And yet, I have refused to settle for a life I do not want.  

For me, I am grateful.  I have a husband who loves me fiercely, honestly and genuinely.  I have a daughter who exemplifies strength and resilience.  And I live a life that I was brave enough to create.  

So, to the person who questioned my decisions that I made twenty years ago, I say to you, "While I have had to hit the restart button more than once in my life, I will always be grateful for the one man who has stayed by my side through it all.  Also, I would never want to change the people in my life who have weaved their stories into my own.  And while situations in life may offer me sneakers, I will always choose to slide my feet into my high heels." 

Love Note: With all my heart, I genuinely request that due to the content written, please seek the guidance of professional help should you feel you need it.

An External Perspective

 

I am quick to be hard on myself and slow to offer myself grace.  I am quick to doubt myself and slow to be confident in my decisions.  I am quick to jump to negativity and slow to lean into positivity.  

Unfortunately, I do not readily allow myself to face the chaos that life tends to throw in my direction.  And I certainly do not offer myself any compassion when life does not go my way.  Rather than going with the flow of life, I try to control everything. 

It is easy for me to get wrapped up in what I am not doing and hard for me to see all the things that I am accomplishing.  Yet, when I recognize these unhealthy patterns, I am able to find hope to work through them.  And therefore, I am more gentle on myself as I relate to my own progress.  

When I look inward and see doubt, I am robbing myself of the hard work that I am actually doing to guide myself and my family through each day.  I am not allowing myself to see the beauty in my life, even through all the commotion.  Instead, I am leaning into all my failures and away from all the progress.  

However, in the midst of these thoughts, I am gently reminded that there just might be someone on the outside looking at my life from a very different perspective.  They see how hard I am working through my challenges, and they are admiring my perseverance.  While I am sometimes suffocating within the confines of my surroundings, someone else is quite possibly looking in on my life wondering how I am successfully doing it all.  

I wear high heels with a purpose since they are a gentle reminder that I am perfect, beautiful and special in my own ways.  When I slide my feet into my special shoes, I move forward with a perspective that a voice inside me feels doubtful but my high heels prove differently.  They show me that I exhibit confidence as I strive to stride gracefully through life.  

Love Note: With all my heart, I genuinely request that due to the content written, please seek the guidance of professional help should you feel you need it.

You Are "One Of One"

My best friend texted me the other day and said, “never forget that you are one of one”.  It was a beautiful reminder that there is only one of each person in this world.  And every single one of us is unique.  We are one of a kind.

When I was growing up, my parents always reminded me how unique I was.  They used to tell me that I was precious and special because there is only one of me.  No one will ever be me nor can they be me.  And no one can ever replace me.  These reminders have stuck with me throughout my life.  

As I live through each stepping stone of my journey, I am reminded that there is only one life to live and only one me to live it.  I am "one of one" in this vast universe.  No one can or will ever take my place.  And because of this, I hold a pertinent place in this world.

My story is an interwoven masterpiece of the people I have met, and the places that I have been.  It is a spectacular array of beauty that I am constantly living through.  And it is important because there is only me to live it.

As you slide your feet into your high heels today, I hope you will remember that there is only one of you, too.  You are unique beyond belief and so very special.  And may this reminder bring your heart joy and your life happiness.  Because this world is so perfect because "one of one" of you is in it, too.  


Love Note: With all my heart, I genuinely request that due to the content written, please seek the guidance of professional help should you feel you need it. 

Worrying Is Like A Rocking Chair...

 

I am very familiar with the feelings of both worry and anxiety.  And recently, I read an article that thoroughly explained the difference and similarities between the two.  The article explained that while they are very different from one another, both include the brain going through "what-if" scenarios. 

Growing up, a friend of mine said, "Worry is like a rocking chair.  It gives you something to do.  But it doesn't get you anywhere".  He explained that when I was worried, my brain would spiral into every single bad scenario that could happen in the future.  But he always told me to focus on the present moment and let the future unravel itself. 

When I worry about every single"what if" in the future, it causes my feelings of anxiety to heighten.  It allows space for my brain to spiral down a path of intangible uncertainty.  And creates a lot of space for future concern while I try to live in the present moment.  

The problem for me is that I feel a never-ending desire to control everything.  I want to make sure that my entire life unfolds according to the way in which I feel is best for myself and my family.  And by thinking through every future possibility, I tell myself that this will help me wrap my arms around every single present moment in life.  

Admittedly, my desire to control everything is comforting.  I allow myself to talk through all the future possibilities in order to fully prepare myself for anything that could transpire.  This way of processing the potential outcomes allows me to feel like I have a grasp on how life will turn out.  And this makes me feel less out of control knowing that I have tried to process what is yet to be.  

However, I know deep down that this approach is unhealthy.  I am fully aware that the future is unknown, and I fear what is yet to come since my past has been such a rollercoaster ride.  However, trying to process every single good and bad part of the future does not allow much room for solace in the present moments.  

My husband always says that he does not have to worry because I worry enough for both of us.  And he is right because I worry about everything.  Except more recently than not, I have been trying very hard to work on this, and take a vastly different approach to how I choose to live my life.  

For instance, when my mind tries to say, "what if", I remind myself of "what is" instead.  I tell myself to focus on what is here and what is real in this very moment.  I work through the feelings of control by allowing myself the space to remember everything that is within reach.  And by grounding my mind in what is transpiring now, I am less likely to drag myself through the murky unknown of the future. 

My truth is that my future will happen whether I try to control it or not.  Every day I make choices that guide the way in which my life will unfold.  And I try desperately to not wallow in what will be and rather, enjoy what is here and now.  

The universe unfolds in different ways for everyone.  But today, I hope you will slide your feet into your high heels and simply put one foot in front of the other.  Every single step takes us both towards and through each future moment.  And this is how our lives unravel into a beautiful unique story.  

Love Note: With all my heart, I genuinely request that due to the content written, please seek the guidance of professional help should you feel you need it. 

Don't Ask Permission To Fly

 

I have discovered more recently than not, I am paranoid about other people's perceptions of my intentions.  When I make a decision, it always feels like I have to justify my reasoning.  Day to day, it is very hard to process these feelings.  Due to my mental health and negative self-talk, I lack confidence, self esteem, and self-awareness.  My brain tells me that I should not make a simple choice.  Instead, it tells me to question my thoughts and motives.  


I usually feel compelled to explain to others the purpose behind my positive intentions.  Yet, I get mad at myself for letting my brain talk me in and out of a circle of justification for a simple decision in a given situation.  Is it helpful to have an explanation?  Sure.  But is it necessary to give a detailed analysis of my mental processes?  No, not always.  Therefore, I have to regularly remind myself that I do not need to explain my rationale that supports my choices.  My intentions are always pure and my reasons are genuine, real, and important.  


Recently, my friend told me that I should be more confident and less concerned with the opinions of others.  She said that my thoughts are relative to what I assume other people might be thinking.  So she gave me an analogy to put this into perspective:  

"If we were all birds, we would not ask permission to fly.  Instead, we would simply use our wings.  We would know full well that the sky belonged to no one in particular.  So therefore, we could just simply fly".  

This was a powerful reminder that I do not have to ask any other bird for permission to fly.  My wings belong to me and the sky is open to all of us when we are ready to take flight.  So, I will use my wings without feeling compelled to ask anyone else their thoughts on how, when and where I am flying.  

I know that this little bird is a work-in-progress.  It will take time for me to grow confident in myself, and even more time to be less worried about how others perceive me.  But, I am grateful for the sky that opens its beauty for all of us to take flight.  

Love Note: With all my heart, I genuinely request that due to the content written, please seek the guidance of professional help should you feel you need it. 

Healthy Boundaries

It has taken me a very long time to realize how important it is to set healthy boundaries.  Moreover, I have learned that I do not owe the other person an explanation of the boundaries which I have chosen to set in place.  And finally, implementing my decision to set boundaries has lifted multiple layers of unhealthy feelings that I have kept deep inside.  

I recently read a short story where a wise fox said to a little bird:  

"Observe, don't absorb.  Because a person's behavior is a mirror of their inner world.  It's about them, not you.  Protect your inner environment like sacred ground.  Observe the behavior.  Learn from it.  But don't absorb it."  

The fox reminded me that I do not need permission to protect my inner self from the environment of another person.  Pursuing a life with healthy boundaries means that I choose to observe the behavior of someone.  However, I do not have to absorb their thoughts and actions.  Because boundaries are for me, not for them.  

The hard truth is that the less I distance myself from an unhealthy relationship, the more absorbed I am into their world.  This leads me to care deeply about their feelings as it relates to me trying to set a boundary.  Yet, this poses a problem because I now feel obligated to care about the other person rather than genuinely loving them.  This makes me feel resentful towards them and unhappy with myself.  

Saying "no" or walking away creates a barrier towards other people in order to protect my mind, body and soul.  It allows me to stop being constantly available to others and be more present for myself.  It helps me be more fulfilled on a deeper level.  I find inner peace and less outer turmoil.  

In order to support a healthier version of myself, I have learned to look inward at the desires of my heart.  And the most genuine version of me, unapologetically sets healthy boundaries with others who try to steal my happiness.  Therefore, I refuse to let a negative person access my positive energy.

Vishakha Jain wrote:

They say, "She changed."  Well... yeah.  She stopped saying yes when she meant no.  Stopped shrinking just to be liked.  Stopped fixing what she didn't break.  She's softer now-but with boundaries.  Kinder- but unavailable to drama.  She didn't change.  She woke up.   

Love Note: With all my heart, I genuinely request that due to the content written, please seek the guidance of professional help should you feel you need it. 

Self-Isolation

 

It is not easy to have a mental illness when the bipolar and anxiety tell me to self-isolate.  Maybe that is called self-preservation.  Yet, talking about this makes me feel like I am losing a battle to my brain.  I also know that sometimes it is okay to not be okay.  And it is important to find a safe space to be alone.  

When my brain tells me to be alone, I always try to make sure I am with one "safe" person.  I might be in my bedroom by myself, but I am not in my home alone.  There is a loved one in the house with me even if they are not in the same room as me.  If I absolutely have to be alone, I have a "favorites" list of people on my phone who are close family and friends that I can immediately call if I am starting to feel less-than-okay.  

When I am ready to go out of the house, I find myself trying to find safe places and joyful people to be around.  I might go to lunch with my family, or meet my best friend at the library.  These are my people.  They love me for who I am, and they surround me with their unconditional support.

During times of despair, being alone feels sad and dark.  But when I am not okay, most of the time I find solace in my bed, and I take a nap.  This provides the extra sleep that my mind and body need in order to heal.  

A few days ago, I was in bed all morning while my husband worked from home.  I dragged myself out of bed to walk my dog around the block.  I thought, why not put on a pair of 2 inch heels to walk the dog?  I did this to remind myself that my morning was rough, but my evening was going to be better.  When I got home, ironically I had the biggest blister on my pinky toe!  Welp, I tried.  And sometimes, we still get blisters in our special shoes even with the best of intentions.  

Love Note: With all my heart, I genuinely request that due to the content written, please seek the guidance of professional help should you feel you need it.

Conquering The Darkness

 

Every time I think I am starting to do really well, I feel like life slaps me in the face.  I know that having health issues comes with ups and downs, and it seems that the highs are very bright and the lows are very dark.  This is bipolar disorder and this is my reality.  

While I was in the hospital, I was roughly 3 hours away from getting discharged.  My in-patient psychiatrist and I spoke with my husband to make sure I would be safe when I arrived at home.  We discussed all of my discharge needs as the staff prepared me to leave the hospital.  

Before I left, I looked at my healthcare team and I said:

"Thank you.  Thank you for everything.  I appreciate all your help, support and guidance.  And I am so grateful to be stable and well enough to go home".  

The psychiatrist looked at me with a gentle smile and said:

"While I appreciate and will gladly take the compliment, I want you to also be proud of yourself.  Because you did all the hard work.  We can guide you but you have to put in the effort.  And you did.  We are confident as we prepare to send you home".  

This was a reminder to me that being honest with my husband and telling him, "I am not okay.  I need help" was brave.  This is a reminder to me that putting in the work to get stable is also brave.  And finally, this is a reminder to me that even when my brain becomes dark, my confidence in my ability to heal is very brave.  

I believe that we will all face very hard times in life.  Some of these times may be very difficult.  But having the courage to ask for help and being able to conquer the darkness is something to be very proud of.  And as I slide my feet in my high heels, I am reminded of how brave I truly am.  

Love Note: With all my heart, I genuinely request that due to the content written, please seek the guidance of professional help should you feel you need it.

My Healing Journey Because I Refuse To Quit

 

Healing, I have decided, is a journey.  It is not a race.  Rather, it is baby steps in order to get from one moment to the next.  And these moments add up to a successful path towards mending my broken soul.  

When I see my grandmother, she welcomes me with a big hug.  At which point in time, she pulls back and looks me in the eyes.  She questions, "How are you doing?"  And I quietly answer, "I am fine".  She continues, "I know you are fine.  But tell me how you are really doing".  I state, "Grandma, I am struggling but I am trying desperately to heal".  After another hug, she looks at me again and goes, "You are an important woman.  We need you.  Take care of yourself".


Grandma's way of finding out how I am really feeling is beyond the superficial.  It digs deep into my heart and reminds me that I can be honest with her.  She loves me unconditionally and does not judge where I am in my life.  Instead, she encourages me to keep going beyond my momentary struggles, and look at the greater picture of taking care of myself.


Right now, healing to me is simply one moment at a time.  And when my brain tells me negative thoughts, I think about them for a moment without dwelling them.  Instead, I have found simple ways of healing as I refuse to quit during this long road to recovery.  


Recently, I have grown fond of doing puzzles.  I like to focus on the shapes and colors as I slowly and gradually put together each piece.  Finding its rightful place in the 750 or 1,000 piece puzzle helps me see the bigger picture.  And the end result of finishing it is very satisfying.  


I make time to rest and take naps.  Some days, I feel strong enough to walk around my neighborhood for about 15-20 minutes.  I also like to read books.  Sometimes, I have to re-read paragraphs in order to process the words on the page to make sense of the story.  However, these are all small steps in my journey towards recovery.  


And once in a while, I take a deep breath and I slide my feet into my high heel shoes.  Even if I am simply going to the grocery store, I feel a sense of comfort and confidence in my heels.  Before getting into the car, I look up at the sky, and I take in a deep breath of fresh air.  And with each step, I will continue to move forward.  This reminds me that I am growing stronger each day and that I refuse to quit as I continue my journey of healing.  

Love Note: With all my heart, I genuinely request that due to the content written, please seek the guidance of professional help should you feel you need it. 

Hospitalized To Become Stable Again

I know it’s been a while since I last wrote.  Truth be told, I have been really sick.  My psychiatrist and I needed to change my medications because my anxiety was worsening.  However, negative side effects of the new medications far outweighed the ability for the medication to help me.  Therefore, we needed to stop them immediately.  

Unfortunately, there became a huge chemical imbalance in my brain which lead to serious physical ramifications.  For more than 2 weeks, I lived with anxiety attacks that lasted anywhere from 30 minutes to 3 hours.  During which, I experienced severe heart palpitations that made it hard to catch my breath.  Included in this nightmare was non-stop extreme nausea, sleep deprivation and exhaustion.  Due to all the physical symptoms, the depression heightened and the tears felt like they would never end.  

The depression turned into unmanageable dark thoughts and after 2 Emergency Department visits, I was hospitalized.  It took 8 days to stabilize me such that I could be sent home.  In the hospital, they adjusted my medications which began my very slow road to recovery.  

In the hospital, I wrote a poem:

Floor 7 North
I am not alone.
The other patients have become my friends.
We heal together.
We talk in group sessions.

We walk the halls to remain active.  
We share our stories.
We have nurses and doctors.
All the staff takes care of us.
Sometimes we listen to music.
We are the psychiatric unit.
To those we love, we are family members and friends.  

We are sick but we are people, too.  
Our illnesses do not define us.

I spent 8 days in 7 North.  I got help.  I started healing.  I went home with hope.  I remain resilient and encouraged.


Outside of the hospital I have felt dazed and confused.  I feel lightheaded.  I still cry a lot.  However, the doctor said it would take 2-3 weeks for the medications to take full effect.  I am glad to be alive, stable and home.

Today, I went to the grocery store.  I wore my high heels.  I felt pretty and confident.  I am reminded that I persevere through hard times.  

Love Note: With all my heart, I genuinely request that due to the content written, please seek the guidance of professional help should you feel you need it. 

Self-Love

 

Self-love is a hard topic for me.  I struggle a lot with accepting where I am in my life.  Yet, in the midst of the chaos, there is a small twinkle of hope.  And that little light keeps me going forward.  

I have been struggling recently with living one moment at a time.  My thoughts are so far into the future that it overwhelms me.  I feel lost in the middle of a tornado of emotions, which leads me to never-ending anxiety.  Therefore, I tend to take simple things for granted and I forget to be grateful.  

Recently, one of my family members fractured their elbow.  It took her out of every sport that she loved, ended summer swimming with her friends, and stopped her from doing simple chores around the house.  She went from a high-functioning athlete to now needing help opening the toothpaste bottle to brush her teeth.  In the blink of an eye, her life flipped upside down.  

Not only did her physical health change but her mental health changed, too.  After lots of hugs and a "get well soon" balloon, we sat down and talked.  She looked me in the eyes and said, "I took my arm for granted.  I forgot how important it is to be grateful to be able to use every single part of my body.  Now that I can't, I am reminded that life can change very suddenly". 

Her wise words reminded me that I need to focus on one moment at a time.  Looking into the future can be daunting because I do not know what lies ahead.  I cannot control the moments that have yet to take place.  

It is so important to remember that every tiny moment in the present matters.  I can let anxiety, fear, panic and worry surround me.  Or, I can re-wire my brain to live with self-love and be patient with the person I am becoming.  

So today, as I slide my feet into my high heel shoes, I will remind myself to be grateful.  When I feel overwhelmed, I will remember to love myself.  And when in doubt, I will look for that little twinkle of hope to get me through the day.  

Love Note: With all my heart, I genuinely request that due to the content written, please seek the guidance of professional help should you feel you need it.